The Secret self centered life of Nigel Uno

[tigerred]

Nigel: Those are why the "secret missions" fill in the time.

Hoagie: So THAT'S THE REASON WHY YOU GO ON SECRET MISSIONS ALL THE TIME?!?!

Nigel: Yep!

Hoagie: Who else have you met?!

Nigel: I--

Hoagie: WAIT HOW DID YOU MEET MY MOM'S BOYFRIEND!?!

Nigel: On the schoolbus.

Hoagie: ... And WHY was it on a SCHOOLBUS?

Nigel: They were shooting a new episode of Numb3rs, duh!

Hoagie: TELLMETELLME!!!!

Nigel: Oh, all right!

-Flashback!-

Nigel: *on schoolbus, and notices that David Krumholtz sits next to him* *raises eyebrow*

David: *sitting there, blowing out air and banging his knees with the palms of his hands*

"AND ACTION!!!!"

David: *grabs Numbuh One forcefully* GET DOWN!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY CRUD, KID! YOU OKAY?!

Nigel: .... Uhh .... No, I'm not?

"CUT!!! WRONG LINE, KID!"

Nigel: WTF? Hey, aren't you that elf who plays in The Santa Claus?

David: Yep.

Nigel: Then why aren't you delivering gifts with Santa?

David: Not not, I'm acting as Charlie Mutz from Numb3rs!

Nigel: OMG NUMB3RS I LOVE THAT SHOW PICK ME AS THE KID TO RESCUE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!

David: ... Okay.

-end flashback!-

Nigel: ... And that's how we met.

Hoagie: Oh. But--how did he and my mom meet?

Nigel: They'll tell you at the wedding.

Hoagie: Wedding? What wedding?

Nigel: You didn't hear? We're attending your mum's wedding with David! It'll be in Paris tomorrow, soo...

"SHOPPING IN PARIS?!"

Hoagie: .... Wow, I had no idea that Elijah Wood could sit through Anastisia.

Nigel: He likes animation....

Elija: *taking Yvonne's hand, shooting his pointer finger into the sky* IT'S OFF TO PARIS, WHOOOO!!!!

~*~*~*~**
(meanwhile with 362, 5, and Lizzie...)

Lizzie: BUT I'M TELLING YOU IT'S THE GUYS!!!!

*three German band members are tied up and gagged while Lizzie has them in her grip*

362: And I thought I was a dumb blonde, lol.

Abby: FOOL! *swats Lizzie across the face with her hat* 'Dat's not 'da guys! That's 'da Italobrothers!

Lizzie: ............Then what are they doing here in Germany if they're from Italy?

362: I believe they're German.

Lizzie: And how do YOU know?

362: Go to Youtube, type in Italobrothers and--

Lizzie: BLAHDYBLAHBLAHBLAH they're Italians!

362: GERMANS!

Lizzie: ITALIANS!

362: GERMANS!

Lizzie: ITALIANS!!!!

362: ... ITALIANS!

Lizzie: BITCH THEY'RE FROM GERMANY, 'CAUSE I KNOW AND---WHY YOU SICK TWISTED DAUGHTER OF A TWISTED BITCH!!!!!!!!! *chokes Rachel*

[Celra]

-Back with Numbuh 2 and 1 and Elijah and his girl he brought-

Numbuh 2: Numbuh 1 who the hell is even watching the treehouse?

Numbuh 1: Well I'm running from Abby so Not here....your with me here....Maybe Wally and Kuki?

Numbuh 2: OHHHH GOOOOODDDDDD THE TREEHOUSE IS DOOMED!

Numbuh 1: Yeah so True....

Elijah: -Runs up to Numbuh 1 and 2- GUYS! GUYS! SHE LEFT ME -CRIES-

Numbuh 1: OMG! SHE LEFT YOU??? PAM LEFT YOU YAY!

Elihah: Not Pam! that bitch is still in my life....this girl I brought with me she left me! I was gonna leave Pam for her but now...No....

Numbuh 1: That's tough Man! I'm sorry

Elijah: I remember it like it was yesterday......Back whe---

Numbuh 2: IS THIS GOING TO TURN INTO ANOTHER FLASHBACK?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Finally on the plane with Father and Chad and the DC and the Toiletnator and Grandfather)

Father: You know Darling you really should let him out.....You have been holding him in that pillowcase for 3 hours I think he's going to suffocate.

Chad: Oops.....-Lets Numbuh 4 outta the Pillowcase- HELLO!

Numbuh 4: WHAT THE CRUD WHERE THE HELL AM I AND WHY WAS I SHOVED IN A PILLOWCASE FOR 3 HOURS! AND WHY ARE WE FLYING ON A PLANE? DID ANYONE ASK ME IF I WANTED TO GO???

[tigerred]

Father: We thought that you wouldn't care, Wallabee. Now hush. You're apart of this family now and--

Wally: WHAT DO YOU MEAN PART OF THIS FAMILY!?!? WITH YOU AND THE DELIGHTFUL CHILDREN AND GRANDFATHER!?!? NOOOO WAAAAAY!

Chad: Hey.

Wally: ?

Chad: You forgot about me.

Wally: WHY WOULD AH'!?!

[Celra]

LMAO I just died with the whole "Hey" thing.

Chad: Because I am part of this family too.....Hello!

Numbuh 4: Crud you sure as hell miss alot when everyone else goes on cool missions and shit! What happened to Numbuh's 2 and 5?

Chad: Oh they gave up on that mission for the sweater along time ago......They decided to do something else. Everyone did so we figure that this would be the perfect time to kidnap you and add you into the family!

Numbuh 4: C'mon! I feel so outta the loop!

Father: To sum it up....Chad and I are going to be married and your going to be part of this family......EVEN IF WE HAVE TO MAKE YOU!

Numbuh 4: WHY ME! WHY ME! WHY DOES ALL THIS RANDOM SHIT ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?! I WAS MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS AND NOW THIS!

[tigerred]

Father: *pats his head* Now, now Wallabee. Settle down. We'll be in Paris soon, as well as your friends Numbuhs One and Two!

Wally: But what the crud are THEY doin' there?!

Father: Hoagie's mother is getting married to the elf from The Santa Claus!

Wally: Ya mean that guy who's really good at math and stuff? Why'd he want to marry that voice-changing freak?

Chad: Because Hoagie's mom is one of the sweetest fat-chicks on Earth, not like another fat-chick that we all know of.......

Father: *looking on his I-pod's Internet* Wow, look at that shark!

Chad: *looks over* Holy, that's one of the ugliest sharks I've ever seen! DX

Wally: What the? That's not a shark ya cruddy Shielas! That's Pamela Racine with only FOUR rows of teeth....

Chad: But she has two rows.... but we call her Shark-Lady because her smile reminds us of a shark.

Father: She's a whopper! We should invite her to the wedding.

Chad: Um, I don't think Elijah Wood would like that...

Wally: Uh, no more chuck-chuck wood please!

Father: And why not, Chaddy-poo?

Chad: 'Cause Pam's hunting in the USA for Elijah right now while he's in Paris....

[Celra]

Numbuh 4: THIS IS STUPID! WHEN CAN I LEAVE?

Father: Never.

Numbuh 4: BUT I HAVE A FAMILY!

Chad: Now you have a new one.

Numbuh 4: I refuse....

Father: Not a choice....We will blackmail you..

Numbuh 4: With what?

Chad: He dosen't know....Look I'm gonna shoot you with a lazer if you don't shut up....I'm going to put a tracker on you too so you can't leave.

Numbuh 4: F**K I HATE YOU! OFFICALLY WORST KIDNAPPING ABDUCTED WEIRDO PARENTS EVER!

Father: Yeah yeah....Go talk to the DC

Numbuh 4: -Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh- I DON'T WANNA I'M BORED

[tigerred]

Chad: *throws a Nintendo DS in his face* There.

Wally: What in the crud am I supposed to do with THIS?

Chad: Easy. You play it.

Wally: Ah don't wanna play some cruddy videogame without Numbuh Two!!!

Chad: Would you like to play with me?

Father: *in response* I'd like to play with you.

Chad: Videogames, sweetheart. But Wallabee, please... I'll trade pokemon with you.

Wally: No! ><

Chad: ... Battle digimon in the digital world?

Wally: Uh-uh. *shakes head*

Chad: Breed Monster Rancher? Have a cook-off on Cooking-Momma? Pay for Little Pets? C'mon, there's got to be ONE DS game you and I can play~

Wally: NO NO NO...... Go play with Father's joy-stick, 'cause ah don't wanna play with anyone.

Chad: Well, alright... but if you need anything, just hollar. *stands up, he and Father go to the bathroom*

[Celra]

Numbuh 4: Screw that......I'm leaving!

DC: And just where do you suppose your going to go?

Numbuh 4: Anywhere but here!

DC: And how do you suppose to do that? Everyone knows you don't have any of the cool KND weapons to escape.....Hoagie Can easy fly himself out of here and Nigel Uno has jet boots and you have....Nothing Bahahahahahaha!

Numbuh 4: I'm trained to escape! I can easily do it!

DC: How? You coulden't even get out of a pillowcase next to Kuki your the worst operative ever! If you and Kuki diden't have Abigal and Hoagie and Nigel then you would be nothing. Father is doing you a favor so be grateful.....

Numbuh 4: I refuse to be delightfulized my team will rescue me way before you creeps can make me one of you!

DC: That would be true if it weren't for 2 things....first of all Father and Chad are NOT going to delightfulize you and quite frankly were glad we coulden't deal with your level of....Wisdom...

Numbuh 4: Are you calling me dumb?

DC: Our point Exactly....Second of all your friends won't bother to save you....

Numbuh 4: What make you so sure? Your just trying to trick me!

DC: We most certainly are not. Nigel Uno took off to live his secret life of weirdness somewhere and we don't know why but the girls seem to want him so they followed after him and Kuki....well she's just a moron and most likely forgot about you.

Numbuh 4: CRUD.....

DC: Oh and you better get used to living with Father and Chad....Because your not leaving there side...ever again.

[tigerred]

Wally: Yes Ah am.

DC: No, you're not.

Wally: Yes ah am.

DC: Yes, you are.

Wally: Crud, ah've told ya creeps a thousand times that ah'll never leave this family!!!! >< .... CRUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! D:

DC: *laugh dorkfully as they do it together*

Wally: Ah hate you guys...

DC: But we love you. <3

Wally: Yeah, right... so why are we gonna go to Paris? Couldn't we go to Canada or somethin'?

Papi: CANADA!!!!!!!! MAPLE LEAVES AND CANADIAN BACON!!!! YUM.

Wally: Isn't that like a ham or somethin'?

Papi: HAM!!!!! Let's have Thanksgiving during the reception, Benny!!!!!

Father: No, no Papi. We're having Beeftendorline.

Chad: <3 Yumyum.

~**

Nigel: Aww, cheer-up, Elijah... Look, here comes our food now! You must be fanished by a plate of delicious Potato Salad!

Elijah: .... *sobbing over the loss of his new-ex-girlfriend, still*

Nigel: *pats his back* Hey, look on the bright-side! You're in Paris with me and Numbuh Two, we'll be going to the musuem soon to hide in the paintings from the girls..

Hoagie: SPEAKING OF THE GIRLS--They're headed this way!

[Celra]

Numbuh 1: OH GOD NO! EVERYONE TAKE COVER!

Numbuh 362: There you are Nigel! why the hell would you just take off like that?

Numbuh 1: Because I dislike you all?

Lizzie: Well your not getting away this time Nigey!

Elijah: Oh yes you are Nigel Ol Pal! I'll help you! HERE! -Takes out a picture of the moonbase- YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO NIGEL!

Numbuh 1: RIGHTO! -Takes Picture- BLUE SKADOO WE CAN TOOOOOOO! -Nigel then jumped into a picture of the moonbase-

Elijah: YEAH GO NIGEL! -Rips picture up- HAHA! NOW YOU CAN'T GET HIM!

Numbuh 2: HOW THE HELL IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE? SERIOUSLY? HOW?

Elijah: Less talk more Skadooing!

Numbuh 2: That's not even a word!

Elijah: -Takes out Random Picture- BLUE SKADOO! ME AND NUMBUH 2 CAN TOO!

-Numbuh 2 and Elijah then Skadoo into a picture and the picture fades away-

Numbuh 5: That was weird....Where did they even go?

Numbuh 362: Well we know Nigel headed to the moonbase and without Elijah and Numbuh 2 he can't get away!

Numbuh 5: Does anyone think that there life is kinda boring compared to Numbuh 1's?

Lizzie&Rachel: Yeah!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
&Moonbase

NASA GUY 1: Oh My....This kid just teleported himself here....

Nasa Guy 2: Are you like...an alien?

Numbuh 1: This is NOT moonbase.....

Nasa Guy 1: Sure it is! Welcome to Nasa Moonbase number 221

Numbuh 1: GEE! THANKS ELIJAH FOR SENDING ME TO THE WRONG DAMN PLACE!

Nasa guy 3: Who now?

Numbuh 1: Elijah this guy who sent me here.....

Nasa Guy 2: Oh! your recruited? No problem we'll start your training first thing! welcome to NASA! You'll leave for Mars in 2 weeks!

Numbuh 1: Mars? oh well beats staying here....Where exactly are we located?

Nasa 3: Area 51 let us give you the grand tour.....

--------------------------------------------------------------------
-Meanwhile with Numbuh 2 and Elijah-

Elijah: Look on the brightside!

Numbuh 2: Which is?

Elijah: Were on a boat!

Numbuh 2: Yeah...a small row boat in the middle of the ocean! where the hell would you even get the idea to Skadoo? whatever the hell that means?

Elijah: From Blues Clues....I often Skadoo to escape Pam.

Numbuh 2: And what exactly can you skadoo in?

Elijah: Pictures! which is why I carry these Pamplets and Brochures (I know I spelled it wrong lol) that way I always have an escape!

Numbuh 2: So can you Un-Skadoo us? To not the ocean in a rowboat?

Elijah: No...

Numbuh 2: WHY NOT?

Elijah: Because all my Pamplets I had got wet and soggy and everyone knows you can't skadoo into soggy pictures......

Numbuh 2: IS THIS WHAT YOU AND NUMBUH 1 DO FOR FUN? HOW LONG HAS THIS SHIT BEEN GOING ON?

[tigerred]

Elijah: Oh, for a few months...

Hoagie: *not amused* Well, don't just sit there! ROW ALREADY!!!

Elijah: ...... *srs expression on his face* *rows powerfully* HOLD ON!!!! ... GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

*rows straight onto a beach*

Hoagie: Um... 'Lij, you can stop now...

Elijah: *stops* Look, an island!

Hoagie: ... We're on the island, you twit.

Elijah: Let's get some coconuts.

Hoagie: But we don't even know if this island has coconuts! ... But I could go for some milk right 'bout now. :3

Elijah: Crack'em open and make our own shelter and--

"Hello? Oh my, did someone crash on my Utopia island again?" *Katie appears out of the bushes looking concerned*

Hoagie: Hey, it's that chick from Numbuh One's dreamworld!

Elijah: Wait, how is she from Nigel's dreamworld if she doesn't exist in reality?

Hoagie: Uhh... insert-plothole-here?

Elijah: Works for me.

Hoagie: So, Dream-girl, what's shakin'?

Elijah: I prefer the song Control because Shake It is just overrated.

[Celra]

-Meanwhile at the treehouse-

Numbuh 3: Dodododododododododod dedededededededee! Lalalalalalalala! Was I supposed to be doing something for Wally? No No wait! Not Wally WAter I was supposed to Water the plants!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Back on the plane-

Numbuh 4: Dammit wheres Kuki! she should have been here hours ago to help me! Or at least called for help!

Father: Relax were going to be landing soon.

Numbuh 4: Yeah You say that now..... Wait until the KND come to my rescue!

Chad: We don't actually think that will be happening anytime soon......

Numbuh 4: And just why not!

Chad: Your friends are all idiots and most likely forgot about you.

Father: How true Darling! Either that or they don't even realize your missing yet! -Laughs-

Grandfather: ONE TIME I WAS MISSING AND THEN I FOUND MYSELF!

Chad: Do ya think you could go missing again?

DC: Yes Please do.

Numbuh 4: I HATE MY NEW FAMILY! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS! WERE SUPPOSED TO BE A TEAM! I THOUGHT WE WERE ALL SUPPOSED TO STICK TOGETHER!

---------------------------------------------------------
-Meanwhile back at the NASA BASE-

Numbuh 1 is settled in his room where he was assigned and there was a phone in his room

Numbuh 1: C'mon pick up! Someone has GOT to be at the treehouse! we have a phone in every room! someone answer this phone! I need someone to come and get me out!

Phone Message: Hi You reached the KND of Sector V were off fighting adult tyrany so leave us a message on here and we may get back to you! If not call our cellphone numbuhs! Don't have our Cellphone Numbuh's then we most likely don't wanna talk to you! Byeeee!

Numbuh 1: -Hangs up without leaving a message- WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYONE???

[tigerred]

Nigel: *sighs* I've got to get out of here and find Mr. "Oh I'm so compassionate, kind, and sincere" and Numbuh Two! *gets on disguise and rushes out the door and out of the base because that's a plothole and I don't want to explain it!*

~**

Elijah: *sitting on a throne in a castle with Hoagie doing the same, eating ice-cream*

Hoagie: OMG this ice-cream is so amazing... *burps* MORE PLEASE, KATIE.

Katie: But that's your third-helping already, Hoagie!

Elijah: Only one more.

Katie: *giggles* Anything for you, Mr. Wood. <3 :3 *skips off to get more ice-cream*

Hoagie: Man, I could live here forever and ever and ever and--

Elijah: We can't, Numbuh Two. As much as this place is Paradise and to Perfection, we need to leave immediately.

Katie: *hearing their conversation* ... NO NO NO!!!!!! *rushes up* Kings, you cannot leave! I forbid you!

Hoagie: Why is that, Katie?

Katie: We need leaders!!!! Oh please Kings, stay here forever and ever and ever and ever!!!!!!!

[Celra]

Elijah: Yeah as great as this sounds......We have responsibilities!

Numbuh 2: And School and well alot of other stuff that needs to be done so were gonna leave.

Elijah: Yeah icecream and that is great but I would much rather not be stuck on an island!

Numbuh 2: Hey Katie what's that a picture of on the wall? -Numbuh 2 Points to a wall Picture-

Katie: A picture of a small cottage?

Numbuh 2: Great! -Grabs Elijah's Hand- I'm ready!

Elijah: You got it! Thank's for everything girl.....

Katie: I don't understand what's going on!

Elijah: BLUE SKADOO ME AND NUMBUH 2 CAN TOO! -they Jump into forrest Cottage Picture-

Katie: What? How did they do that? I'm going to find you! BEST FRIEND FOREVER GUYS BEST FRIENDS FORVEERRRR! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!

---------------------------------------------------------------
-In the forrest Cottage-

Numbuh 2: Boy I'm sure glad I found that picture!

Elijah: I'm glad I learned how to Skadoo!

Numbuh 2: This world is nuts these days! I say we stay in the forrest cabin and hide from everyone!

Elijah: INCLUDING PAM?

Numbuh 2: EVERYONE we don't answer that door for anyone we don't know!

Elijah: I like this plan!

Numbuh 2: Me too! I just have this feeling someone we know will somehow find us....

Elijah: Most likely. How is it we can hide anywhere in the world and someone will find us?

Numbuh 2: I dunno I say we Stay here! I'll build the 2x4 tech!

Elijah: I'll work on building us transportation! in case we need to escape quickly!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Back with Numbuh 1 as he arrives in England-

Numbuh 1: God I can't believe these jet pack boots got me all the way to England in 3 hours! Man am I wiped! -Numbuh 1 approaches Building- Excuse me sir I had a long day do you think I could go in and talk to my friend? Maybe she'll have something more.....Disguise like for me?

Security: NO! NO TICKET NO SHOW!

Numbuh 1: But I know her! were friends! ask her yourself!

Security: Yeah you know her! You and the other 10,000 people behind you.....

-Numbuh 1 turns around and see's 10,000+ people-

Numbuh 1: OH C'MON! JUST ASK HER!

Security: No Ticket...No Gaga!

Numbuh 1: LOOK SHE INVITED ME TO THE DAMN MONSTER BALL! TELL HER NIG-NIG IS HERE!

Security: Fine let me just check.....-Pages Security- Ask Ms. Gaga if she knows a Nig-Nig? -Snickers at the nickname- Oh WHAT? she does? Oh Okay.....

Numbuh 1: I TOLD YOU!

Security: Ms. Gaga claims to know you so If You'll please put wear the yellow wristband -Puts it on him- Ms. Gaga is expecting you-

Numbuh 1: SEE I TOLD YOU! SHE UNDERSTAND THE HOTNESS OF NIGEL UNO! -He walks in and down some hallways-

-------------------------------------------------------------------
-At the airport-

Numbuh 4: FINALLY THAT PLANE RIDE SUCKED!

Father: -Grabs his hand- Come along Wallabee.

Numbuh 4: REALLY? WHY DO I HAVE TO HOLD YOUR HAND?

Chad: We don't exactly trust you not to take off.....But we have our ways of making you stay.

[tigerred]

Wally: BUT WHY? D:>

Chad: C'mon, we'll be late.

Wally: BUT AH DON'T WANNA--

DC: Yes, you do.

Wally: No, AH DON'T!

DC: No, you don't...

Wally: Yes, ah' do! And Ah'm goin' to that wedding whether you ass-jacks like it or not! >> .... D'OH!

Father: Look, we're at the hotel already!

Chad: Yay! .... GrandFather and Toilenator, you're the ones who are going to wear the dresses.

~*~*~*~**

Nigel: GAGA! OH, GAGA!!!! *hugs her*

Gaga: Well what do you know, it's my favorite lil' celeb-monster! What's shakin', Nig-Nig?

Nigel: Those big-meanie creeps were mean to me!!!!!!

Gaga: Oh, really? *narrows eyes into slits and glares at the security* Shoo away, boys! Nig-Nig and I have a performance to attend to!

Nigel: P-p-p-performance?!

Gaga: Why, of course lil' Nig-mon! LET'S SHOW'EM HOW MUCH PAPARAZZI WE CAN HANDLE! ;D

~*~*~*~**

Elijah: Wait--wait a minute! *slaps Hoagie's hand away from the last slice of cheese-pizza*

Hoagie: Yowch! Hey, what gives, E-Rock? I thought you said that I could have the last piece?

Elijah: Not in my music collection you don't.

Hoagie: OH, IS MR. FRODO ANGRY? D:<

Elijah: HOBBIT-PUNCH! *throws a punch at him*

Hoagie: UGH! *slammed onto the plate*

Elijah: HOBBIT-KICK! *slams against Hoagie's backside, kicking him hard*

Hoagie: *vomits all over the last of the pizza*

Elijah: JIM CASY DAMMIT LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!!!!!