Elijah in Wonderland

[tigerred]

Lizzie: NIGEL UNOOO!!!!!!! GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW 'CAUSE I'M GOING TO DATE YOU WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!!!!

Nigel: Numbuh Two, speed-it up! E-Rock's already sprinting ahead of us!

Hoagie: But I can't! D: I can't run as fast as you guys!

Nigel: HOAGIE! >< *grabs his arm and rushes away from Lizzie as he can, taking Elijah along with him!*

Elijah: TREE TREE TREE THERE TREE!

Nigel: You got it, Mr. Wood!

*Nigel throws both of them into a secret tree and the door slides open! He then jumps inside with Elijah Wood and Numbuh Two*

Lizzie: NIGEYNIGEYNIGEY COME DO MY FINGERNAILS MY FINGERNAILS NEED TOENAIL SEX....... Nigey? NOOO, YOU ESCAPED MY CLUTCHES AGAIN! D:>

[Celra]

They fall and fall deeper into the darkess as they spin and spin and spin!

Numbuh 2: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WE NEVER SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THIS JOB!

Numbuh 1: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT PAYS BETTER THEN THE KND WORK THAT WE NORMMMAAALLLYYY DDDDOOOOOO!!!

Numbuh 2: YOOUUUU GETTT PAIIDDD FOR DOING KND WORK? AHHHHHHHHHHH

Elijah: WHY DOESSSSS ALLL THIS SHIT HAPPEPPENNNNEEDDDDD TOOOOO MEE? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

-THUD-

Numbuh 1: Ouch! Thanks for breaking my fall guys!

Elijah: Your my body guards shoulden't you have broken my fall?

Numbuh 2: Back it up....You get paid for doing KND missions?

Numbuh 1: YesIdoit'spartofbeingleaduh.......Couch...Cough...Cough....

Numbuh 2: Did u throw couch in that sentence?

Numbuh 1: Uh...Maybe....anyway I'm going to call KND headquaters and try to get a signal -Fails to do so- Shit...No signal....

Elijah: We could walk down this path in the woods maybe there is a house?

Numbuh 2: Or creepy weirdos....

Numbuh 1: Rachel?

Elijah: Pam?

Numbuh 2: Stop being so literal.....lets just go take a look....

[tigerred]

Nigel&Elijah: *look at each other and shrug*

(LOGO zooms here...!)

Smoking catapiller: And I was like, PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT.

Madhatter: HOLY SHIT THAT'S THE BEST STORY EVER LOLOLOLOL. *wriggles around* More tea?

Smoking catapiller: COUGHCAAACOUGHCAAAAAAA. No thanks, I'm already dying from lung cancer anyway. But thank you for the offer.

Madhatter: SMASHING!

Catapiller: No, not really... Cancer isn't a good thing. And furthermore, I--

"Hello! Is anyone here? HELLOOOO..."

"I LIKE BAGELS THEY RULE THE SCHOOL!"

"Shut up, Numbuh One..."

Catapiller: COUGHHHHCAAAAHACKKKKK... *grunts* WTF is that? It's not Alice, that's for sure...

Madhatter: OMG OR IT COULD BE 9!!!! He's come from The Emptiness to hang out with us!

Catapiller: True... let'em in and his friends, too!

Madhatter: *opens front door of their gay, awesome house* HELLO, 9!!~ Welcome home--WAIT YOU'RE NOT 9 YOU'RE FRODO! WELCOME! =D

Elijah: *krickets chirp* ... The things that I do to act. T_T

Catapiller: THAT MAY BE FRODO, BUT HIS NAME IS ELIJAH. ELIJAH WOOD. *HAAAAAAAAAACK*

Elijah: That's right. And these are my two body guards, Numbuhs One and Two.

[Celra]

Mad Hatter: They call me the Mad Hatter around here mostly because I sit and act as mad as a Hatter but please call me Gaga.

Numbuh 1: OMG YOUR LADY GAGA!

Gaga: I'm a free bitch baby......Would you like to stay for tea and sex?

Numbuh 2: Sex? were underage......

Gaga: Urm....I said Snacks.....

Catapillar: Sure she did *Hacks*

Elijah Wood: So where are we?

Catapiller: Your in wonderland and it's not so nice around here anymore.......

Numbuh 1: How do we get home? PLEASE TELL ME I DON'T HAVE TO CLICK MY HEELS AGAIN!

Numbuh 2/Elijah: Again?

Numbuh 1: Another story for another day.....It was about my Ex Dorothy what a hurricane magnet!

Gaga: Sounds like your bitter about that......

Numbuh 1: SHE LEFT ME FOR A SCARECROW!

Numbuh 2: Sooooooo What's with the lack of people here?

Gaga: Oh were in the middle of a war....Literally this house is build in between to lines of war....

Elijah: So what's going on?

Catapiller: *Hacks* Well their is leadership issues with a nasty divorce of a king and queen......

Numbuh 1: Ohhhhhh Juicy Gossip! Yum!

Numbuh 2: Divorce?

Gaga: Yes long ago they ruled together and now he lives on one side and she the other.....She's the White Queen and he's the Dark King but both are truely evil.....

Elijah: and how does this concern us?

Catapiller: They are the only ones who can get you home.....

Numbuh 2: Great and just who are they?

Gaga: Father the Red King and Rachel the White hairy Queen

Numbuh 1: Hairy?

Gaga: You'll see.......

Numbuh 2: Sadly I think we already know.....

Gaga: Well then Maybe I should take you to see them!

[tigerred]

Elijah: ... Uhh... I'm not a fan of hairy women. Oo

Gaga: It's fine, 'Lijah! She isn't THAT hairy.

Elijah: Whatever you say, Gaga...

~**

Rachel: DELIGHTFUL CHILDREN, GET BACK HERE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO YOUR FATHER'S THIS WEEKEND.

DC: *already at the side of Father's gate* But... D:

Rachel: GET YOUR ASSES BACK IN HERE OR FEEL THE RAPE OF MY AMAZING 'STACHE!

DC: *already in the castle* But Mother Rachel, you said that we COULD go to Father's this weekend...

Rachel: I do not care of your needs, DC. Your Father and I have been in this war and it's too dangerous today for you to go to his castle. Besides, ours is white.

DC: ...

Rachel: ...

DC: ....... So?

Rachel: SO!? What do you mean 'so', Delightful Children!?

DC: Father's is red. Red is more colorful than white!

Rachel: White is much more sophfisticated!

DC: Red is better. It even has a musican named after it. Two of them, to be exact.

Rachel: What about winter? Dogwoods?

DC: Uhhh...

Rachel: HAHA! In your faces! WHITE IS BETTER, WHITE IS POWERFUL!!!!

DC: O:

*Nigel, Hoagie, Elijah, and Gaga make it to the Red King's castle*

Nigel: So what does Father look like?

Elijah: Does he have a beard and act like that King in the Zelda CD-ROM games?

Gaga: No, no, monsters! He's much more powerful than that!

Hoagie: So he doesn't like gay-sex.

Gaga: Exactly!

Hoagie: And he doesn't end up having gay-sex with every man or boy that walks into the room? He isn't a whore?

Gaga: YES!

[Celra]

-They knock on the doors to his throne room-

Father: ENTER!

Gaga: Papa Gaga these people came all the way here to see you in the time of war......

Father: Excellent now if you'll excuse us....GET OUT GAGA!

Gaga: Okay Okay! Gaga is out babe!

Father: Well well well what brings you to my----Nigel? Hoagie?.....Elijah wood?

Numbuh 1: FATHER? YOUR RULER OF WONDERLAND? SINCE WHEN?

Father: Well you see it's really a part time hobby of mine....I take Rule the land on the weekdays from 7am-3pm and then my rotten ex hairy beast of an ex wife rules from 3pm-12am

Elijah: Then who rules from 12am-7am?

Father: SILENCE! AROUND HERE I'M THE KING!

Elijah: -Mumbles- whatever...I just asked a question and blah blah then I get ignored and silenced if I wanted that I could have stayed home with Pam...

Numbuh 1: Dear god does everyone know about this place other then us?

Father: So what can I do ya for?

Numbuh 2: We have come here asking you for help to leave actually......

[tigerred]

Father: Then why didn't you just say so, cockadoodie?

Elijah: ... Oo'

Father: But... there's a catch.

Nigel: A CATCH!? But WHY?!

Father: Since the war has been going on, I cannot send you home after it is finished.

*groaning*

Elijah: Fantastic. What're we supposed to do now, Your Highness?

Father: You can always visit Harriet Tubman's Abigail Lincoln's "kingdom" in your spare time. She has nothing to do with the war.

Hoagie: Sounds good, King! Let's go, guys. Maybe there's some hot chicks there we can meet.

Nigel: Then it's settled. We'll just have to make do for what we can for a while. Hopefully this war won't be *too* long.

*they walk downstairs, but then they run into the mailcarrier*

Amer: HI TOM!!!!! ;D

Elijah: Um.... Mr. Warburton isn't here, friend. But there is a giant picture of him in the Great Hall.

Amer: I WANNA SHARE SONGS ON MY IPOD!!!

Elijah: SOUNDS GREAT! I--

*NIgel and Hoagie drag him off*

Elijah: Guuuys! D:> I wanna listen to his Ipod!

Hoagie: Not right now, 'Lij. That kid's awfully suspicious. We shouldn't have him tag along at anytime soon....

Gaga: *walks in* HEY, MONSTERS! WHAT'S UP?

Nigel: We're going to Abby Lincoln's kingdom, Gaga. Could you please show us the way?

Gaga: Sure thing! But why would you wanna go there while you can have all the tea and sex you need over at my place!

Hoagie: Just to hang-out and stuff and look at all the girls...

Gaga: Okay! Follow me!

~**

Abby: Does anyone have any plans?

Steve: Like how about we get some Taco's?

Abby: WE LIVE IN A TENT THAT CAN'T EVEN PROTECT US FROM THE RAIN! WE CAN'T AFFORD TACOS!

Steve: .... Sorry babe, I was only askin'. I-I'll just go over there into the corner and-and think 'bout what I've done. YEAH! *walks over to it and starts to cut himself and cry*

Maurice: Abby...

Abby: What? He deserves ta' be yelled at, Maurice. I mean look at'em! He came home to the tent last night all drunk from that stupid celebration of Queen Hairy Rachel beating Crash Bandicoot 2!

[Celra]

Maurice: Well I heard it was an amazing celebration.......It took her her forever to beat that!

Abby: That's not the point! Were all supposed to work together! Meaning were not going to parties for either side!

Maurice: I suppose your right.....It's better to just stay away from everyone involved in this war!

-Just then Tommy walked in with Numbuh 1-Love-

Numbuh 5: And where the hell have you been? Wheres all the clothes?

Numbuh 1-love: Mon! I was washing our clothes at the stream mon! I was actually doing work unlike others at this "Kingdom"

Tommy: GIVE ME A BREAK! OKAY!

Maurice: where did you go?

Tommy: I JUST WANTED TO LISTEN TO THAT MAILMANS IPOD OKAY! GEESSSH!

Numbuh 5: URG! Tommy what the hell did I tell you about talking to strangers........

Tommy: But I know him.....

Maurice: But he's still strange......we discussed this he leaves the mail and we don't talk to him!

Tommy: Okay fine! whatever.....

-Gaga then Brought them to the "Kingdom"-

Gaga: Like Abby! I've brought some monsters that could totally use your help!

Numbuh 5: Oh god...Not you again! I already told you we aint monsters! OMG Numbuh 1?

Numbuh 1: Abby? you live here too? WHO'S WATCHING THE BLASTED TREEHOUSE!

Numbuh 5: Who's attacking it?

Elijah: Touch'e

Gaga: Like guys I'm going back to the tea party please join me later?

Elijah: CAN WE STOP AND SEE THE GUYS IPOD LATER?

Numbuh 2: Anyone wanna tell me what happened to steve?

Maurice: He went to Rachel's Party....

Numbuh 5: WHICH IS AGAINST THE RULES!

Numbuh 1: Yeah yeah I suppose I'll be forced to go there soon right? -Sigh-

[tigerred]

Gaga: Anyway, I've gotta run! I'll see you all later! *walks away*

Nigel: Anyway....

Hoagie: You call this a KINGDOM? More like a Kingdump.

*SMACK!*

Hoagie: Oww... What'd YOU hit me for?

Maurice: Nothing. >>

Hoagie: Tommy! What are you doing here?

Elijah: And why are there tents all over the place? And so many rivers and trees?

Abby: Welcome 'ta our Kingdom, Mr. Wood! Hopefully 'dat 'dis war will be over soon.

Elijah: Thank Gandolf the Great!

*stomache rumbles*

Elijah: Erm...

Tommy: I think somebody's hungry!

Elijah: If you don't mind me asking, what is there to eat?

Steve: TACOS EVERYONE LOVES TACOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Abby: No. No tacos today. But we fish and fry them, and have daily bread to deliver our tresspasses. If those tresspasses are against us to leave us all into temptation, and deliver us from evil--

Nigel: You're stating from God's Prayer?

Maurice: Fish and bread, that's all we have.

Nigel: Wait, but didn't Jesus also deliver those only goods to people around him? Two pieces of fish and a loaf of bread?

Elijah: I remember that. *sign of cross*

Tommy: Are you Catholic?

Elijah: Yes, and proud.

Tommy: We have a Muslim mailcarrier. It's funny, because I'm always paranoid if he's secretly going to bomb both of the castles and that way, our queen can take over!

Elijah: That sounds intense, Tommy. Who will be king?

Steve: WELL DUH IT'S GONNA BE ME.

Abby: NO IT'S GONNA BE MAURICE WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT YOU'RE NOT RESPONSIBLE TO BE KING, STEVE.

Steve: yes, Ms. Lincoln.......

[Celra]

Steve: I get that....But what happened to my kinglyness?

Numbuh 2: Kinglyness?

Steve: YES! I AM THE LEADER OF THE TEENS AFTER ALL!

Numbuh 1: Then why are you here and not doing your job? WHY IS EVERYONE HERE? AS LEADER OF SECTOR V I AM COMMANDING YOU NUMBUH 5 TO GET BACK TO THE TREEHOUSE RIGHT NOW AND TAKE US ALL BACK WITH YOU!

Numbuh 5: Sorry, My people need me here....Besides around here I'm queen.

Numbuh 1: I'M YOUR LEADER I AM GIVING YOU A DIRECT ORDER!

Numbuh 5: Numbuh 362 is the supreme leader and she's here not doing her job and she's higher up then me so if she don't have to work neither does Abby. Besides you shoulden't be talking your walking around in a weird and twisted place with Elijah wood!

Numbuh 1: WHAT I WAS TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM LIZZIE! NOW I DEMAND YOU COME BACK WITH ME NOW! THAT'S AN ORDER!

Numbuh 5: Yeah? well heres an order for you....Nigel Uno,Hoagie Gilligan and Elijah Wood you are banished from my kingdom!

Maurice: You heard her....OUT NOW!

Tommy: Oh yeah! I told ya one of these days I'll have a super cool treehouse and I woulden't let you in hoagie today is the day!

-All 3 get beat up and thrown out-

Numbuh 2: GREAT NUMBUH 1 YOU JUST HAD TO GET US KICKED OUT OF THE ONE "KINGDOM" THAT WOULD HELP!

Numbuh 1: And she said she was peaceful....LIES!

Elijah and Hoagie Glare

Numbuh 1: Is that.....

Numbuh 2: It is.....

Numbuh 1: Kuki? in a field of flowers.....

Elijah: IT'S A GIRL I DON'T KNOW PICKING FLOWERS! HEHEHEHE!

[tigerred]

Nigel: Hey, where is Numbuh Four anyway?

Hoagie: *scratches his head* I'm not sure...

Elijah: Hey, look! It's Amer the Mailcarrier!

Amer: HI KUKI HIHIHIHIHIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!! Here's your mail. *hands it to her*

Kuki: Awww, thanks Amer! Wanna stay and pick some flowers with me? ^-^

Amer: WOW, REALLY? I wish I could but I gotta meet Mr. Warburton at Father's castle, I can't wait!!!!!!!!

Kuki: Oh? Well you better hurry up and don't wanna miss him like you do every day!

Amer: I know, right? I'LL SEE YOU LATER KUKI! I LOVE YOU! *takes off*

Kuki: Um... thanks? ^^' See you, too!

Nigel: ... Okay what the bloody hell just happened?

Elijah: You tell me, this is the second time we've seen the mailcarrier today. I have the feeling that we'll be meeting up with him much soon enough.

Hoagie: Likewise, Elijah. Hey, Numbuh Three!

Kuki: *turns and gasps* NUMBUHS ONE AND TWOOO! I didn't know you guys were here, and Elijah Wood too! Hi, Mr. Wood! *waves* What's going on?

Hoagie: Well, we'd like for you to tell us. And where's Numbuh Four?

Kuki: Oh, him? Pfft, he's off living in a cave somewhere in the forest.

[Celra]

Numbuh 1: And why is that?

Numbuh 3: Well I don't know Silly! That's something you would have to ask him! ^_^

Numbuh 1: Kuki listen do you have any idea how the hell to get outta here?

Numbuh 3: Nope! Sorry! Why would you wanna leave this place is amaaaazzzing!

Elijah: Even in a time of war?

Numbuh 3: War? theres no war! This is just a pretend game!

Numbuh 2: A game?

Numbuh 3: Yeah! I mean it's not like this is real......

Numbuh 1: Riigghhhtttt so how did you get here anyway?

Numbuh 3: Well I was picking flowers and then I saw a Rabbit and I climbed down this hole and then I realized how pretty these Castles are and how friendly everyone here is! They even have this mailman who always brings me the mail!

Numbuh 1: Rigghhhht so where do you live?

Numbuh 3: Here silly! and when it rains I go under the giant flowers for protection!

Numbuh 1: So lets figure out how to LEAVE we have 4 great minds we can think of something!

Numbuh 3: OOHHHHH OHHHHH WE CAN PICK FLOWERS AND NICELY PASS THEM OUT TO EVERYONE!

Numbuh 1: Then there were 3 brains that work.....

Numbuh 2: We could always make our own kingdom and just hide their......

Numbuh 1: 2 people with Brains.....Elijah?

Elijah: We could always go to the big white castle......It's sparkles.....

Numbuh 2: Oh god please tell me Prince Edward Cullen dosen't live in the sparkly castle.....

Numbuh 3: No silly! the white queen lives there! You can always ask her for help!

Numbuh 1: How the hell will we get in?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-About an hour long Walk later-

Numbuh 1: We walked all the way here and now we have no plan to get in.....

Elijah: We could always knock on the door? -Elijah knocks on Door of Castle-

[tigerred]

"DC GET THE DOOR!"

*grumble, grumble...*

Elijah: *stares, then blinks once*

DC: *open the door* Yes?

Elijah: Uh... hello! I'm Elijah Wood, and I was wondering if your stepmother is available?

DC: ... Hold on a moment. "RACHELLLL! MR. WOOD IS HERE TO SEE YOU..."

Rachel: ELIJAH WOOD!? *Cree&Chad are carrying her on the toilet from the bathroom*

Cree: Ughhh... so... heavy--

Rachel: PIPE DOWN I'M THE QUEEN.

Chad: *mutters* You're one of the bitchest yet.

Rachel: WHAT WAS THAT DICK... SON?

Chad: Nothing.

Rachel: Elijah Wood, will you marry me and rule Wonderland with me!? *bashes eyelashes, wriggling her bleached white stache*

Elijah: Uhh.. no thanks. I already have one fan that I may marry in the future. (lol Me *shot*)

Rachel: WHAT?! BUT I'M YOUR ALMIGHTY FAN!!! YOU'RE GONNA MARRY ME UNLESS YOU WANNA DUEL.

Elijah: How 'bout a round of Sonic the Hedgehog 4 on the X-Box360 instead?

Rachel: Wrong.

Elijah:

Rachel: WE SHALL HAVE A WEDDING TOMORROW YEAHHHHHHHH.... (fart)

Nigel: ....... *sniff, sniff*

Hoagie: ... *vomits into a nearby plant*

Chad&Cree: *wearing cloth pins* T_T

Elijah: *breathing in a bag*

Rachel: (finishing her fart) .... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. ^_______________^

[Celra]

Cree: -Sigh- You can't your still married to Father and until one of you wins this war you cannot marry him

Elijah: THANK GOD

Rachel: Crud....I'm going to play video games then!

Numbuh 1: Listen will you just send me home please?

Rachel: No.

Numbuh 1: No?

Rachel: Stay and make yourselves at home!

Elijah: So does this mean I don't have to get married?

Rachel: *Growls* Sadly yes.....Now if you don't mind I am going to take a dump....CREE AND CHAD SHOW OUR GUESTS AROUND!

[tigerred]

Chad: Yes, ma'am...

Rachel: DC GET ME TO THE BATHROOM NOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.

DC: Right away, stepmother! *grabs her toilet and shove off*

*sounds of farting is not too far behind*

Cree: Phew... all that stank. >>;

Chad: *sigh*

Elijah: Why do you listen to Rachel?

Chad: A group must have a leader.

Cree: *nod*

Elijah: But what if she's wrong?

Cree&Chad: ...

Elijah: Come with us. We can't do it alone.

Chad: WE CAN'T.

Cree: SHE'LL SLIT OUR THROATS!

Elijah: ... Well then, that quote didn't work out the way it should have. *crosses arms*

Nigel: It's from a movie. Duh.

Hoagie: Not to mention CGI-animated... and fictional.

Elijah: Fictional? Some fictional animated films have a lot of meaning than you think.

Cree: Anyway... we'll get you to your rooms.

~**

Elijah: It looks like a convo than a usual hotel room... very nice. *pats his hand on the soft yet squishy bedsheets*

Chad: All for the best.

Hoagie: And there's a PS3 and WII and BIG-SCREEN TV, too! =D

Nigel: Not right now, Hoagie.

Elijah: We've got to find a way to rid away this fat-ass queen once in for all.