|
|
Post by knd861724 on May 26, 2004 0:31:33 GMT
Okey... Im pretty sure that most of u have already raed chapter 1. But I can't figure out how to post chapter 2... so im just going to post the ENTIRE story here. Sry if repeatedly seeing this name over and over is annoying u. On with the fic!
It’s a late night and the KND just got back to the tree house after successfully accomplishing another mission. They got back and immediately the boys started playing video games.
“’Ey Numbuh 3, wanna be on meh team?” Numbuh 3 just shook her head. “No, I might later though!”
She gave him a smile and bounced to Numbuh 5s’ room. Numbuh 4, who was disappointed, continued playing his video game vs. Numbuh 2.
Numbuh 3 immediately sat down on Numbuh 5s’ couch and they started talking.
“So Numbuh 5, as we were saying...?” Numbuh 5 made them both a milkshake and took a seat in a butterfly chair near the couch.
“Yeah, Numbuh 5s’ mom said that you can spend the night tomorrow.” Numbuh 3 was so excited that she let out a squeal of joy.
“Yay! Par-ty, Ice-cream Par-ty!” Numbuh 5 only shook her head. She and Numbuh 3 weren’t very close friends until a few months ago...
~*~*~*~*~*FLASHBACK
It was late one night a few months ago, and Numbuh 3 couldn’t sleep.
Why? She was scared. She had awoken in the middle of the night to find a small pool of blood in her bed.
She didn’t want to move for 2 reasons. 1.-She was scared. 2.-Her stomach hurt really badly.
But she did get up and even though she wanted to go into Numbuh 4’s room, she decided to go into Numbuh 5’s room.
She hesitantly knocked on the door. Numbuh 5 had opened the door to a fear-stricken Numbuh 3.
“What’s wrong withchoo girl?” They sat down on the couch and she told Numbuh 5 what happened, she let out a small giggle.
“What’s funny?”
Numbuh 5 then realized that Numbuh 3 was totally clueless as to what was going on.
“Girl, you’re just on your period.” Numbuh 3 cocked her head at the unfamiliar word.
“Let Numbuh 5 explain...”
Ever since then, Numbuh 3 and 5 had become close friends.
~*~*~*~*~*END FLASHBACK
Numbuh 3 headed into her room to pack. A ½ hour later, she was ready.
“Bye Numbuh 4!” She gave Numbuh 4 a hug...she didn’t mean to. She just did. So to cover up her embarrassment, she gave 1 and 2 a short hug as well.
Numbuh 1 had no clue what was going on.
“And where do you think you guys are going?”
Numbuh 5 slapped her forehead. She forgot to let the others know of their plans...again.
“Were going to spend the night at Numbuh 5’s house!”
Piped in a perky Numbuh 3. But since Numbuh 1 was too tired to fight, he just nodded.
“Well, ill see you later Numbuh 5.” She blushed.
“See-ya Boss.” And with that, they headed to her house.
As soon as the door shut, the boys grinned
“PARTY!!!”
Since Numbuh 5 didn’t let anyone in her room, (except for Numbuh 3 that is...) so the boys decided to take advantage of the fact that she left her room unlocked.....
~*~*3 hours later...~*~*
The boys were having a food fight in Numbuh 5s’ room. There were chip crumbs everywhere. Numbuh 1 sighed.
“We should probably clean up, then head to bed.”
The other boys groaned.
“Numbuh 4, you get the vacuum, Numbuh 2, you clean the walls, and I’ll wash the bed."
He began to take the comforter off. “Man, you guys really pounded crumbs into her bed!”
He was getting out the sheets when he let out a scream and almost fainted.
Numbuhs’ 2 and 4 came into his room and looked down at the bed.
They all saw blood stains. After they had cleaned up Numbuh 5’s bedroom, Numbuh 4 decided to check everyone’s rooms.
None in 1’s, none in 2’s, then he checked Numbuh 3’s room. Sure enough, he found blood stains.
He didn’t want to think that Numbuh 3 was getting hurt by someone. He couldn’t sleep that night.
~*~*~*~*~*~
The next day Numbuh 3 and Numbuh 5 got back from their sleep over. Numbuh 3 had fun, but was happy to be back
She instantly greeted everyone, but was concerned when she saw that Numbuh 4 didn’t sleep well last night.
His hair was messed up, his eyes looked baggy, and his face in deep thought...She was genuinely worried for him.
“Numbuh 4...what’s wrong?”
He got shaken from his thoughts.
“Uh, erm...no-nothing. I’m fine.”
He tried to put a smile on his face, but it didn’t wok. The next thing he knows, Numnuh 3 was dragging him to her room. She shut the door and sat next to him.
"Now tell me what’s wrong Numbuh 4.” What to do?
|
|
|
|
Post by knd861724 on May 26, 2004 0:33:08 GMT
[glow=rainbow,2,300]Chapter 2[/glow]
Numbuh 3 was beginning to get irritated. Numbuh 4 could be SO hard headed at times… “Now relax…and tell me what’s going on!”
Numbuh 4 pulled the blankets down somewhat. “What’s this?”
Numbuh 3 didn’t know what to say… “Juice…?”
Numbuh 4 gravely shook his head. “It can’t be. We stopped buying red drinks ever since the doctor thought that Numbuh 2 was loosing blood.”
Her face was still stunned. Numbuh 4 pressed the subject. “Its blood…isn’t it? Who has been hurting you? Just tell me an’ ah’ll beat ‘em up!”
Numbuh 3 didn’t know how she was gong to get out of this one… “Erm… It’s not what you think!!!”
And in an unbelievably calm, and somewhat challenging voice, he responded. “Then what is it?”
Numbuh 3 gulped…hard. This was NOT going to be easy…
“I’ve gatta go talk to Numbuh 5. I’ll talk to you later!” And before Numbuh 4 could respond, she was halfway to Numbuh 5s’ room, leaving Numbuh 4 even more bewildered and confused.
“Well, that could ‘ave gone betteh’.”
The more he thought, the worse the situation got for Numbuhs’ 3 and 5. “Ah’ll bet someone is threatening them!!! They told them not ta’ tell!!!”
He got up, went to his room, laid down on his wrestling mat, and fell asleep. Meanwhile…
“And then I invited him into my room because he looked like something was wrong. His eyes were all baggy; he kept get distracted into thoughts, all of that sort of stuff!”
Numbuh 3 explained to Numbuh 5. “Okay, then what ‘appened?”
Numbuh 3 took in a deep breath. “Then he saw the ‘red’ stains on my bed! He asked me what they were from, I said that it was juice, but he knew that I was lying! Now I’m here, not knowing what to do!”
Numbuh 5 sat for a few seconds to think about what to tell Numbuh 3.
“Well, Numbuh 5 knows that we can’t tell ‘em ‘The Truth’, I told you about what happened when Numbuh 1 and 2 learned about bras!”
The two girls looked at each other, and then burst out laughing. After a few minutes, they settled down and Numbuh 3 started up their conversation again.
“They sound really protective over you, don’t they?”
Numbuh 5 thought about this for a minute.
“I guess they do. Her best buds won’t let anything ‘appen to Numbuh 5.” She paused.
“Ya know… you’ve got Numbuh 4 keeping his eye out for you.”
Numbuh 3 blushed. She always did when Numbuh 4 gets into the conversation. “Well… what are we gunna do now?”
“Numbuh 5 dunno. She just dun’ know.”
After another hour or so of talking, Numhuh 3 realized that she had left her bag at Numbuh 5s’ house.
“Well, Numbuh 5’s mom said that yo mom was ova’ at my house.” Numbuh 3 let out a sigh.
“Okey, then lets go!” She grabbed Numbuh 5’s arm and practically dragged her all the way to her house.
They had started a race once they got to Abby’s street.
Mrs. Sanban and Mrs. Lincoln were sitting the porch, sipping homemade lemonade when they saw the girls running up to the house.
Mrs. Lincoln were having a conversation about their children growing older. They both gasped when they saw the girls running around the corner.
“Hey mom!” “Hi-ya mom.” They both greeted their parents. The two mothers gave each other a quick glance, then nodded. Mrs. Lincoln began.
“Do you girls run much?” Numbuh 5 assumed that her mom was concerned about her not getting enough exercise, so she responded so.
“Sho’ mamma, all da time” Then Mrs. Sanban continued their little “conversation”.
“Do you play with those little boys from down the street?”
Both girls were holding back their glares.
Both hated it when they were referred to as “little” or “play”, but both just nodded. “Then, come with us.” Both girls followed their parents into the house.
“Here. We think that you might need these.” Each girl was handed a small package. Inside, was none other… then the invincible bra!
Numbuh five looked over at Numbuh 3. “Man, and I thought things couldn’t get ANY worse…”
|
|
|
|
Post by maxk on May 26, 2004 13:00:30 GMT
If you're having trouble uploading chapter two, I can tell you how.
|
|
|
|
Post by cybra on May 26, 2004 16:24:40 GMT
Yay! First review for Chapter 2!  Also, how you post chapters on Fanfiction.Net (is that where you're going?) is that you use the Edit Story/Add Chapters button on the side. Okay, I'm going to be objective about this. Please don't think I'm being mean or hateful. I swear I'm trying to help. Plot: 9/10 Not quite a perfect ten but close. I can definitely relate to Numbuhs 3 and 5's situation. Most women I know don't exactly announce to the world it's that time of month. The whole misunderstanding is funny though I'm not exactly sure how long you can drag it out for. Spelling: 10/10 No obvious misspellings as far as I could see. Nice work on that! But, for the record, "hard headed" is spelled "hard-headed." Grammar: 4/10 I'm sorry, but my internal grammar wizard had fits in several places. You sometimes threw in (or forgot) commas. There's also the cardinal rule of dialogue: New paragraph for when someone else is speaking. Also referring to dialogue, when someone speaks and then it turns to focus on someone else, you would start a new paragraph there. For instance, Numbuh 5 talks and then Numbuh 3 does something, the first paragraph would end when Numbuh 5 stops speaking and doing her thing. (The entire paragraph would center around Numbuh 5.) When you switch focus to Numbuh 3, it's an entirely new paragraph. And, as I mentioned to someone else, when you spell out someone's number as their name like you did with Numbuh 5, it's "Numbuh Five" not "Numbuh five" since you make the number part of their name. Characterization: 8/10 Pretty well done. Numbuh 3 seemed a bit too serious though. Genre: 9/10 I'm assuming this is a humor fic. It fits well in that genre. If it's listed as something else, please enlighten me since I didn't see a genre listing here. Overall total: 40/50 You definitely improved since the first chapter. ~Cybra |
|
|
|
Post by pinkdenim on May 26, 2004 18:03:45 GMT
OMG! (Sorry, I had to put that ^^;;.). I loved to second chapter and the first, great job. Plot: 9/10Very original but I'll say it again: 'it's cringe-worthy', but *Shrug* it's the facts of life ^^;;. Spelling: 9/10Not really a spelling error but I noticed a typo, I'll tell you the exact paragraph to help ya fix it ^^. " After another hour or so of talking, Numhuh 3 realized that she had left her bag at Numbuh 5s’ house." Sorry for being nit-picky since I'm not much better  . Grammar: 6/10It wasn't un-readable (Like some fanfics I could mention) but Cybra pointed out the mistakes. Characterization: 8/10Kuki was the tiniest bit OOC. Genre: 8/10At times it gets a little too serious to be a comedy but then again so do most sitcoms I watch. Overall total: 80/100Keep writing! ^____^. |
|
|
|
Post by knd861724 on May 26, 2004 19:22:12 GMT
Thank you to all! **glomps everyone** No. I will definatly NOT be hurt by what u guys are saying. I do respect and agree with all tat u guys are saying. I will make minor adjustments on the chapters here, then let me know when it's okey. I plan on adding some more of Numbuh 3's naivitity (SP) into it and a little bit more straight out humor. keep letting me know. And thanks again!!! |
|
|
|
Post by cybra on May 26, 2004 19:31:20 GMT
Glad to help. And glomp! :::glomps back::: ;D
~Cybra
|
|
|
|
Post by otto789 on Jun 3, 2004 10:52:47 GMT
when the next chapter plz looking forward to reading it
|
|
|
|
Post by knd861724 on Jun 13, 2004 18:22:37 GMT
Right now ;D
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Numbuh 5 stared emotionlessly at the object before her.
“Do you REALLY want us ta wear these…?”
The parents shared a glance and nodded. Mrs. Sanban looked at Numbuh 3.
“I have to work late again, so can you please go pick up Mushichan? Maybe you can take her to play in that tree house of yours…?”
Numbuh 3 nodded. “Sure mommy.”
“Thanks Kukichan, now u better get going!”
Numbuh 5 and Numbuh 3 shared a glance, and then ran back to the tree house before their parents could make things any worse…
The girls didn’t stop running until they reached the Sanban residence. Numbuh 3 turned to Numbuh 5.
“I’ll be right back! Don’t leave without me!”
Before Numbuh 5 could reply, Numbuh 3 was already inside the house.
She skipped through the hall until she reached her sisters room.
“Mushichan, mamma wants you to come with me to the tree house!”
She heard a slight crash in the other room, followed by a gasp.
“I’m coming!!!”
Numbuh 3 amused herself by humming the “Rainbow Monkeys” theme song.
A few minutes later, Mushi came out and shut the door. “Hi-ya Kukichan! Did mommy give u the bra yet?”
Numbuh 3 stopped dead in her tracks. “How did… Why… How come…?”
Mushi took a step forward and grinned. “I went with her when she went to get them. Oh yeah, Mom wanted me to remind you to grab some more Maxi’s from the bathroom before you leave.”
Numbuh 3 was speechless. “Well… Um… We better get going…”
Mushi ran to the door as Numbuh 3 headed to the bathroom, grabbed a maxi or two and stuffed them into her pocket.
She locked up the house and headed outside and found a shocked Numbuh 5, and a grinning Mushi
“Well, Numbuh 5 thinks we better get going…”
And with that, she headed down the street, the others close behind.
Numbuh 3 caught up to 5 and they started whispering among themselves.
“Numbuh 5, what did she say?”
Numbuh 5 nodded solemnly.
“That girl knows too much. We can’t let her around the boys. Especially not 1 or 2, now that we are wearing… well, u know.”
Numbuh 3 cocked her head. “Why not?”
Numbuh 5 slapped her forehead.
“Because! They can’t know! They can’t handle it, that’s why!”
Numbuh 3 had to keep herself from cowering in fear… “Okay Numbuh 5.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
About 15 minutes later, the three of them had reached the tree house.
Numbuh 5 headed up the ladder, then Mushi, and followed by 3.
On the way up, Numbuh 3 dropped one of her *packages* from her pocket. Unfortunately for her… she didn’t notice.
They entered the tree house and faced the quizzical expression of Numbuh 1.
“Where have you all been?” He then saw Mushi. “And what is she doing here!?! Numbuh 3, you know enough that you’re not supposed to bring your baby sister here! We got in big trouble the last time she came!”
Numbuh 4 reached his hand out and helped 3 up the rest of the way
“But Numbuh 1, Mom’s gatta work late again… and I need to watch her! I’ve gatta keep her with me!”
Numbuh 1 sighed and massaged his temples.
“Fine, just keep her out of trouble…”
Numbuh 3 and Mushi cried out their delight and hugged.
“Yay! We can have a sleepover with Rainbow Monkeys, and streamers, and-“
“Will ya’ll just shut it?!?”
Mushi was interrupted by Numbuh 5.
“Numbuh 5 can’t stand it when ya’ll are all… crazy.”
She began to head for her room. Everyone was silent until Mushi broke the silence.
“What’s her problem? Is she PMS’ing?”
Numbuh 3 covered her sisters’ mouth and tried to laugh. Numbuh 5 stopped dead in her tracks and cringed. Mushi just stood there smiling. 2 just stood still, unsure of what to do. Numbuh 1 quirked an eyebrow, and 4 tried to process what he’s hearing.
‘So… this “PMS” thing affects peoples attitudes…?’
Numbuh 1 was the one who broke the silence.
“PMS? Mushi…please explain…”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
What do yall think?
|
|
|
|
Post by pinkdenim on Jun 13, 2004 18:42:19 GMT
Mwhahahahaha! Evil Mushi! You gotta love her! *Glomps Mushi*.
Hmmm... Maybe the L.U.N.C.H.B.O.C.K.S can try to find a meaning for PMS... *Giggles*.
|
|
|
|
Post by kawaiilildevil on Jun 13, 2004 18:50:11 GMT
I might as well do the "Review service" thing. And it's for the entire story, not just Chapter Three.
Plot: 9/10
It has an original concept that just points out something girls have to go through when growing up.
Spelling: 9/10
The only spelling errors I found were in Chapter Three. Instead of typing "you" you just used "u" (I don't know if that counts as a spelling error, but aw well).
Grammar: 6/10
I caught the same things as Cybra and Sam.
Characterization: 8/10
Everybody seemed pretty in-character. And I must acknowledge (oooh! big word!) the fact you characterized Mushi perfectly! Or so I thought. ^^ But I minused a point because you have Abby talk in third person all the time, where in reality, she switches back and forth.
And Kuki did seem a little serious at times...but seeing that she's going through that "time of the month," it's OK (I've always found it perfectly natural to be a little out-of-character during that time, so...yeah...)
Genre: 9/10
I pretty much agree with Cybra and Sam's comments on genre. You listed this as a humor fic on FF.net, right? Well, it fits under that genre rather well. However, it did get serious at times.
Overall: 82/100
I really enjoy this fic! And for your first one, it's really good. Keep up the great work, Katie! *sticks a gold star on Katie's forehead* ^_^
|
|
|
|
Post by otto789 on Jun 13, 2004 19:24:42 GMT
Great story, but it would have been nice if mushi told them.
And a other idea is the delightful are having the same problem
|
|
|
|
Post by pinkdenim on Jun 13, 2004 19:54:01 GMT
I couldn't imagine the female delightfuls with PMS, they just seem... Emotionless....
And I'd hate to imagine what Numbuh EightySix would be like with PMS 0_0.
|
|
|
|
Post by knd861724 on Jun 13, 2004 20:44:11 GMT
The night is long ^_~
**laughs like a villian**
I was also thinking of Wally freaking out when Kuki gets nicks ^_^
|
|
|
|
Post by coco on Jun 13, 2004 21:51:04 GMT
*laughs* Your story is so funny, but in a really good way  I love it! I love the way Mushi acts all smart and evil! Evilness is good though! She is such a little angel! *takes quote* “What’s her problem? Is she PMS’ing?” Lmao! That is a classic line right there! *takes another quote* “PMS? Mushi…please explain…” O gosh thats a cliff hanger! I can't wait to see the next chapter, and I can't wait to see what Mushi says ^_^ Poor clueless boys... ;D |
|
.
I love it!