Post by numbuheightbitstar on Apr 15, 2007 5:23:24 GMT
Special thanks to Ren, who is not Stimpy.
Chapter Nine: A conspiracy unmade!
You should've seen Mushi's taped-up form. She was kinda cute. But somehow--whether due to Sanban tenacity, convenience of the plot, or my cat, she managed to escape. And so, the inevitable happened... the authorities were called in.
And so it was: The interrogation, the gathering of evidence, the investigation. Kuki and all the others even re-entered the fanfic, just so they could testify. The media crowded around, and everyone gathered within the Biggest Courtroom in the County.
The parents, of course, never got involved with the proceedings. That would've made things too complicated.
The judge banged his gavel, and called the court to order. The prosecution, led by Mr. Hamilton Burger, made his opening case. The defense, led by Mr. Perry Mason, made his opening statement. Then the proceedings began.
The first witness called to the stand was Mr. Wallabee Beatles.
"Mr. Beatles," Mr. Burger questioned, "At what time did Miss Sanban arrive home?"
"Five paragraphs after the three asterisks in the first chapter."
"Amd what condition was she in?"
"She had tape all over, and she was very distraught." Wallabee answered, pulling the word "distraught" out at random and coincidentally happening to use it correctly.
"Thank you," Burger said, and turned to Mason. "Your witness."
Burger sat down and Perry Mason stood and walked to the stand. "Mr. Beatles, you claimed Miss Sanban arrived 'five paragraphs after the three asterisks'. What the heck does that mean?"
"It means... ummm... well... Abby could explain it better."
"How do you know this? Did you ask her?"
"Well... yeah actually. The author never stated a specific time, you see..."
"So," Mason observed with some hostility, "Your testimony was based on hearsay, and in fact you do not know what time Miss Sanban came home!"
"Well..."
"As a matter of fact, she didn't come 'home' at all, because she was on her way to Nigel Uno's treehouse where she and her friends--including you--hang out. Am I correct?"
"Objection!" Burger called (much to Wally's relief), "The defense is nitpicking! 'Home' is understood in this case to refer to the Kids Next Door treehouse! It's literary shorthand!"
"Fine then," Mason said calmly, "I withdraw the question." Mason walked away, as if he was done with the witness, then suddenly turned and said "Oh, one more thing: Are you romantically attached to Miss Sanban?"
"Objection!" Burger called out, "On the grounds that it is irrelevent!"
"Your honor," Mason argued, "The fanfic being parodied did in fact have its defense attorney asking this question. The scene was badly-inserted and irrelevent but it really pleased the fans and won over many hardcore critics."
"Be that as it may," the judge decided, "Being a parody does not mean you have to follow the source fic to the letter. Also, this story is far more intelligent than that one and James actually knows something about the legal system. Objection sustained."
"No further questions," Mason said as he sat back down.
The calling of the witnesses went on, each giving so and so testimony which I'm too bored to recount.
Finally, the defense called upon Cheryl Delightful.
"State your name for the record," Mason asked.
"Cheryl Delightful."
"What is your relationship with the defendant?"
"Mostly antagonistic."
"Explain."
"We fought alot."
"Over what?"
"Nothing in particular. Just my dad wants to take over the world and the defendant and his friends won't let him."
"Despite this conflict, would you rate the defendant as one who would, errm, brutally apply duct-tape to a five-year-old girl?"
"No sir. That struck me as desperation."
"Desperation?"
"A desperate attempt to have a twist ending."
"In fact, isn't it true that the defendant wasn't even the original tapist?"
"That's entirely true!" Cheryl blurted out, angrily.
"Why the emotion, Miss Delightful?"
"Because the real tapist is right there!!" She exclaimed, and pointed.
All the pens dropped, all the jaws fell, and any crickets that had been chirping went silent as she pointed her accusing finger not at Nigel Uno, but rather at...
... Me.
"Donovan's been narrating this story since the beginning of this chapter!" Cheryl declared, quite against my will, "And while he was clear to say that all the 'others' had come back, referring to characters previously in this story, nowhere does he say that the original author returned, hoping to fool us by conveniently leaving out all notice of a POV change, and he nicely refused to mention Nigel so that we'd all think the story was being told from Nigel's perspective, deepening the illusion! Donovan has, in fact, become the author, and he has been manipulating us in order to get Nigel convicted so he can go out and continue taping girls! But it ends here!"
Oh quack, my evil scheme has been uncovered! But I'll get you yet Cheryl.
"No you won't!" Cheryl declared, and began chanting "Darkness beyond twilight..." again.
But I vetoed that! With a wave of my hand and the power of my keyboard, I caused the spell to fizzle before it could disrupt my own personal continuity! In fact, why end it there? I removed all the lame crossovers, all the courtroom stuff, and anything I didn't like. I shot all the male characters out of the fanfic except myself, leaving me, Donovan, alone with the girlies!
I laughed evilly, and pulledo out my roll of duct-tape as I began approaching the girls.
I laughed.
I cackled.
I stopped suddenly.
I realized that all the girls--Abby, Mushi, Kuki, Cheryl, and Melissa--were giving me hard glares.
They weren't scared of me at all.
It wasn't until after the pounding that I found out what happened. Unfortunately, authorship can not change mid-chapter, so I'll have to let someone with more knowledge of the writing process explain it.
To be continued!
Chapter Nine: A conspiracy unmade!
You should've seen Mushi's taped-up form. She was kinda cute. But somehow--whether due to Sanban tenacity, convenience of the plot, or my cat, she managed to escape. And so, the inevitable happened... the authorities were called in.
And so it was: The interrogation, the gathering of evidence, the investigation. Kuki and all the others even re-entered the fanfic, just so they could testify. The media crowded around, and everyone gathered within the Biggest Courtroom in the County.
The parents, of course, never got involved with the proceedings. That would've made things too complicated.
The judge banged his gavel, and called the court to order. The prosecution, led by Mr. Hamilton Burger, made his opening case. The defense, led by Mr. Perry Mason, made his opening statement. Then the proceedings began.
The first witness called to the stand was Mr. Wallabee Beatles.
"Mr. Beatles," Mr. Burger questioned, "At what time did Miss Sanban arrive home?"
"Five paragraphs after the three asterisks in the first chapter."
"Amd what condition was she in?"
"She had tape all over, and she was very distraught." Wallabee answered, pulling the word "distraught" out at random and coincidentally happening to use it correctly.
"Thank you," Burger said, and turned to Mason. "Your witness."
Burger sat down and Perry Mason stood and walked to the stand. "Mr. Beatles, you claimed Miss Sanban arrived 'five paragraphs after the three asterisks'. What the heck does that mean?"
"It means... ummm... well... Abby could explain it better."
"How do you know this? Did you ask her?"
"Well... yeah actually. The author never stated a specific time, you see..."
"So," Mason observed with some hostility, "Your testimony was based on hearsay, and in fact you do not know what time Miss Sanban came home!"
"Well..."
"As a matter of fact, she didn't come 'home' at all, because she was on her way to Nigel Uno's treehouse where she and her friends--including you--hang out. Am I correct?"
"Objection!" Burger called (much to Wally's relief), "The defense is nitpicking! 'Home' is understood in this case to refer to the Kids Next Door treehouse! It's literary shorthand!"
"Fine then," Mason said calmly, "I withdraw the question." Mason walked away, as if he was done with the witness, then suddenly turned and said "Oh, one more thing: Are you romantically attached to Miss Sanban?"
"Objection!" Burger called out, "On the grounds that it is irrelevent!"
"Your honor," Mason argued, "The fanfic being parodied did in fact have its defense attorney asking this question. The scene was badly-inserted and irrelevent but it really pleased the fans and won over many hardcore critics."
"Be that as it may," the judge decided, "Being a parody does not mean you have to follow the source fic to the letter. Also, this story is far more intelligent than that one and James actually knows something about the legal system. Objection sustained."
"No further questions," Mason said as he sat back down.
The calling of the witnesses went on, each giving so and so testimony which I'm too bored to recount.
Finally, the defense called upon Cheryl Delightful.
"State your name for the record," Mason asked.
"Cheryl Delightful."
"What is your relationship with the defendant?"
"Mostly antagonistic."
"Explain."
"We fought alot."
"Over what?"
"Nothing in particular. Just my dad wants to take over the world and the defendant and his friends won't let him."
"Despite this conflict, would you rate the defendant as one who would, errm, brutally apply duct-tape to a five-year-old girl?"
"No sir. That struck me as desperation."
"Desperation?"
"A desperate attempt to have a twist ending."
"In fact, isn't it true that the defendant wasn't even the original tapist?"
"That's entirely true!" Cheryl blurted out, angrily.
"Why the emotion, Miss Delightful?"
"Because the real tapist is right there!!" She exclaimed, and pointed.
All the pens dropped, all the jaws fell, and any crickets that had been chirping went silent as she pointed her accusing finger not at Nigel Uno, but rather at...
... Me.
"Donovan's been narrating this story since the beginning of this chapter!" Cheryl declared, quite against my will, "And while he was clear to say that all the 'others' had come back, referring to characters previously in this story, nowhere does he say that the original author returned, hoping to fool us by conveniently leaving out all notice of a POV change, and he nicely refused to mention Nigel so that we'd all think the story was being told from Nigel's perspective, deepening the illusion! Donovan has, in fact, become the author, and he has been manipulating us in order to get Nigel convicted so he can go out and continue taping girls! But it ends here!"
Oh quack, my evil scheme has been uncovered! But I'll get you yet Cheryl.
"No you won't!" Cheryl declared, and began chanting "Darkness beyond twilight..." again.
But I vetoed that! With a wave of my hand and the power of my keyboard, I caused the spell to fizzle before it could disrupt my own personal continuity! In fact, why end it there? I removed all the lame crossovers, all the courtroom stuff, and anything I didn't like. I shot all the male characters out of the fanfic except myself, leaving me, Donovan, alone with the girlies!
I laughed evilly, and pulledo out my roll of duct-tape as I began approaching the girls.
I laughed.
I cackled.
I stopped suddenly.
I realized that all the girls--Abby, Mushi, Kuki, Cheryl, and Melissa--were giving me hard glares.
They weren't scared of me at all.
It wasn't until after the pounding that I found out what happened. Unfortunately, authorship can not change mid-chapter, so I'll have to let someone with more knowledge of the writing process explain it.
To be continued!