|
Post by destinyinevitable on Mar 21, 2007 23:23:29 GMT
Great...ooh, random appearance by the Soatomes...I read through the first 2 chapters of the story this is parodying....
I rather like this story. Great sense of humor, James. ^_^
|
|
|
Post by numbuheightbitstar on Mar 24, 2007 11:57:36 GMT
Chapter Six: and the universe crumbled before me
*~Numbuh 3's POV~*
I still had nightmares every night, I still heard voices in the dark. There were places no man could reach that stretched into the depths of my soul. A blackness stirred in that untold chamber, a chamber where all my secret fears were locked away. Yet I could hear them, trying to torment me, trying to drive me to insanity and rage. Revenge was the only thing I could think of, revenge against those who had forever scarred my inner child.
And I looked up and cried to the heavens:
"Curse you, Home Depot! Cuuuuuuuuuuuurse yooooooouuuuuuu!"
"Chill out, Numbuh Three!" Nigel said, "You know, that's not the only place you can buy duct tape."
"You're right!" I said coyly. "But that's not why I'm cursing them."
"Then why?"
"Because every time I want to go to the video store, my dad wants to go to Home Depot afterwards, because its right next door. And I hate it! I mean, Home Depot is boring! All they have there is like, wood and stuff! I want toys! I want video games! I hate going places with my dad!"
"Well, then I've got good news."
"What?" I asked excitedly.
"I've shot your dad."
....
"Just fooling! The real news is..."
"Yes yes?" I was anxious now.
"Wally shot your dad!"
....
"Just fooling again!"
I growled.
"Okay okay! The real good news, is that we're going to the fair!"
"Yay!" I cheered and danced.
"And then Hoagie will shoot your dad!"
I ignored him this time and continued prancing happily around.
Minutes later, we were at the fair. It wasn't a big, professional fair with tons of rides, rather it was a fair dedicated to the Followers of the Old Ones. Despite this, there was no sign of Cthulhu on any of the rides, in fact they were all bigger and shinier and lovelier and funner-looking than anything at Six Flags. Don't you wish you were here?
I wanted to go on the spinning teacup things, Wally wanted to on the Speed Racer ride (Go Speed Racer Go!) Hoagie wanted to get on the whirly airplanes, Numbuh One wanted to go on the bumper cars, and Numbuh Five wanted to go on one of those boats that swings back and forth.
No one ever disagrees with Numbuh Five so we all swung.
Then Wally wanted me to go on the Ferris Wheel. This was one of those types with caged seats where it was possible to go upside-down, and I was terrified of those. I never liked hanging upside down. Even when I came out of my mom I demanded she be doing a handstand while I came out. I was a head-first kinda girl.
"I don't wanna go." I told Wally.
"Awww, please?" He pleaded.
"But but I'm scared!"
"Oh don't worry, I'm scared too!"
"Really?"
"Yeah, which is precisely why we must do this together, because if two people with equal fear confront that fear together then it becomes an unstoppable courage!"
Made sense to me!
So we got on the thing together, both as jittery as James after having too many sweets while listening to Waka Laka for the fourteenth time in one hour.
The thing lurched foreward. I hugged Wally and he hugged me.
Then, shakily as we went up, he began to explain, "Don't worry Kuki. See, there's all sorts of support cables and safety nets in case we fall or something, and this thing has the ability to sprout wings and fly! And if for some reason all these safety precautions don't work, well, my psychic powers tell me Spider-Man is right over yonder and he'll save us!"
The thing lurched again, I got scared, and so did Wally.
I looked at him and said, "Don't worry Wally, this thing can't come loose! It's bolted too tightly and we're not in that episode of the Simpsons where Willy forgot to oil the thing... I hope. And even if we are, my palm reader told me that if anything happened today I would be conveniently abducted by aliens and get to meet Budd Hopkins!"
We looked at each other, and for the first time realized that we were some seriously flipped-up ten-year-olds.
Somehow that was very reassuring.
Finally we came back down. The nightmare was over, the scarring in my soul had healed into a chasm of wondrous light. Gravity was doing its job at a time when doing so didn't mean making Kuki pancakes.
Then we saw them!
Them! Theeeeeeem! We ran in fear of the giant--
Oh, wrong Them!
I meant, we had seen the Delightful Children. And they had seen us. And they were coming closer to us, Donovan was smiling ever so evilly.
"Well well," he said, "If it isn't--"
"Back off, Donald Duck!" I said, thinking of the best insult I could. The Delightful Children didn't even bother to laugh at that one.
Cheryl glared at me, then at Donovan, and said "Come on, Donny... we've got better pets to stroke."
"No way Cher!" Donovan said, "I'm not done tormenting this one yet!" He grinned evilly, then pulled out the one object I feared most: A new roll of heavy-duty Scotch...
"You stay away from me!" I said, pulling a gun on him (don't ask me where I got it--I don't wanna know).
Donovan was so shocked he dropped the tape, and holding up his hands said "Wait, you can't shoot me!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm not your father!"
Made sense to me! Suddenly the gun disappeared and Donovan, regathering his bravery, got the roll of tape and measured a length around my waste. I was so petrified that I began making a series of "Eep" noises to the tune of The Beach Boys' Barbara Ann.
And then suddenly Donovan fell unconscious from a judo chop, and I found myself being whisked away over hedges and under gates, ducking for cover as me and my unknown rescuer brilliantly dodged machinegun fire. Finally we managed to hide out in a bomb shelter.
He put me down, and I immediately recognized my rescuer as none other than James Bond!
"Hello!" He said in his delightful british accent.
"Wow, I never thought I'd get to meet an actual British secret agent!" I exclaimed.
"Yes, well I happened to be in the neighborhood and I saw that boy taping you and decided to take some action. Taping is a very horrible thing to do to a girl."
"Well yeah... but it has its benefits," I giggled. "And I bet you know the right way to treat a girl, don't you?"
"You know I do. But that's not a subject to discuss to one as young as yourself."
I sighed. So, I was just a kid in the great James Bond's eyes. Oh well. So I decided to ask something practical. "So... what should a girl like me do when she's being... stalked by a tapist?"
"Personally, I'd pray to a patron saint."
"You believe in that stuff?"
"Only when its life or death."
I thought about it, and said "So... whose the patron saint of taping?"
"There isn't one. But there is a patron saint of Sticky Stuff."
"Who is it?"
"Spider-Man."
I smiled. "Then who is the patron saint of getting rid of pests?"
"That would be The Hulk."
Right on the spot, I prayed for the Hulk to smash Spider-Man into pudding.
Then I suddenly had an inspiration, and said "Hey, who is the patron saint of Romance?"
"That would be me."
"Okay, then who is the Patron Saint of Love?"
"Sailor Moon."
I wrote all this down and said "Cool! Thanks Mister Bond!"
"You're welcome!" He said, "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to stop a train carrying a deadly missile, and then shoot your father."
....
"Just fooling about that father part. But I really must be going. See you around, Kooks."
I blushed. He called me Kooks! The elation I felt from that lasted me my entire life.
To be continued! For all I know, the next chapter could involve black holes and feature a cameo appearance by Zira and Cornelius, but I doubt it.
|
|
|
Post by Cap'n Veg on Mar 24, 2007 14:22:53 GMT
Kooks! You said Kooks! You have no idea how many times I wanted to shoot something when someone called Kuki "Kooks". I want to know who the hell came up with that name(if you can call it a name)
|
|
|
Post by faircod1965 on Mar 24, 2007 19:50:22 GMT
That was a great chapter. Looking at some other KND fanfics on FanFiction Net, there have been a number of times that the word "Kooks" was mentioned as Kuki's nickname or something. In a few KND fanfics, kuki's other nickname "Kuki Chan" was also mentioned, but is actually "Kuki Dear" in Japanese.
|
|
|
Post by destinyinevitable on Mar 24, 2007 22:21:20 GMT
...I don't get the 'kooks' thing..I mean, typically you only shorten long names...that lengthened a 4 letter name. Plus it reminds me of 'kooky' or 'cook'. ...Maybe she was a fry cook in a past life? *is shot for stupid explanation*
Anyways, really funny. ^_^ I'm really enjoying this!
|
|
|
Post by numbuheightbitstar on Mar 24, 2007 23:02:02 GMT
Often people come up with dopey nicknames for anyone they think is cute.
Like my cat--her name is Yoyo, but she's been called Yoyers, the Chiblet (don't ask), Luigi, and all sorts of funny nicknames.
As for who came up with "Kooks"... apparently James Bond did ^__^.
|
|
|
Post by numbuheightbitstar on Mar 27, 2007 12:28:44 GMT
Chapter Seven: The quitting of the lambs
*~Numbuh 3's POV~*
It wasn't soon after we got home that everyone wanted to wait on me hand and foot for my traumatizing experience. So I sat down in the sofa and sighed, being patient as Wally put a footstool under my feet and removed my shoes and socks for me, Hoagie handed me a Rainbow Monkey to hug, and Numbuh One made me dinner. Numbuh Five was the only one who left me alone. I liked that about her. Boys are either mean or nice, either way they overdo it. I don't know whether its just that boys are naturally incapable of emotion without example or simply that they need more time to learn.
I have no idea when I started being so philosophical either. The way I'm talking I must be the Plato of ten-year-olds.
Wally sat next to me and said "So, umm, want me to read you a book or somethin'?"
"No thanks," I said. Wally reads about as well as he writes, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. So I put my arm around him and said "Let's just watch some TV instead."
Numbuh One handed us the remote. Wally said I could pick the program, it didn't matter what. I thought of picking something Wally would like, but you know... nothing good ever plays in the KND Universe. We have to import all the good stuff from the so-called Real World (trust me, its more real to you than it is to us. I could never understand those big bodies and small hands you people in the three-dimensional world have. We get along just fine with our stick-figure builds and our mouths that are always located directly on our left cheek).
Wally would argue if I didn't pick something for myself though, so I chose some Rainbow Monkey stuff.
I sat through three episodes. Wally tried to hide his revulsion, and eventually he fell asleep on my shoulder. I suppose that's a pretty Wally-ish thing to do.
I yawned.
The afternoon wore on, and I wanted it to end. I was sure something interesting must happen sometime today. Something interesting always happens eventually! Right? But time wore on, dragging like a limp leg. The world turned without any of us moving an inch to do anything about it.
I thought about something, and woke Wally (and the rest of the team, while I was at it).
As he came to and rubbed his eye, he said "What's up?"
"I'm quitting," I suddenly announced.
This sparked him to alertness and he looked at me in horror. "You're quitting?!" He asked.
"Yeah. I'm bored of this fanfic. I mean, it was supposed to be a parody or something, but there hasn't been any real parodying for like five or six paragraphs! James writes like he's beginning to, you know, take this stuff seriously!."
"But you can't quit, Kuki! We don't have a story without you!"
"I'm sorry Wally," I stood up, "But you'll just have to continue the fanfic without me."
And I walked out of the fanfic.
*~Numbuh 4's POV~*
So eye wachd az Kookee walked owt ov the fanfik. A teer kaym 2 my I. I showted "NOOOOOOO! This kant b hapining! If she kwitz, I kwit 2!"
"But u kant kwit!" Numba Wun sayd. "Wally, pleeze tawlk sum sins in 2 that gurl!"
"Numba Wun," I sayd, "U no that if Kookee haz mayd up her mynd abowt sumthing, she wont chaynj it! Thers no point! Man, this sux. I want owt!"
*~Numbuh 5's POV~*
Man, Numbuh Four's narration was a headache! Numbuh Five's taken over this show!
So yeah, Drama Queen and Short Stuff walked right off the fanfic without another word, leavin' me and Numbuh One and Numbuh Two all alone. I wondered how we were gonna get this junk heap goin' again.
"So, you got a plan?" I asked our fearless leader.
"Well, I've... never had to deal with a situation like this before!" Numbuh One stated the obvious.
"Man, Numbuh Five thinks this fanfic is pretty much messed up. Ain't no way to make it work now."
"Well," Hoagie said, "Maybe if we change the premise."
"Like how?" I asked, raising my eyebrow.
"Let's say, for example, that we have you fill Kuki's role as the victim."
"Nuh uh man! I ain't lettin' myself be taped!"
"You'll get a starring role in a fanfic!" Hoagie offered with all the sleazy confidence of one of those underhanded agents you sometimes see on TV.
I thought it over. A starring role for Numbuh Five wouldn't be too bad. And for once I wouldn't be angstin' over romance or some crazy junk like that. "Well... I'll try it."
"All right!" Hoagie said happily.
"On one condition." Numbuh Five said, holdin' up my hand. "Don't try no kissy stuff on me. Either of you."
"Errr, right." Hoagie said. I couldn't tell if he was disappointed or not.
"I guess now all we have to do is... ummm... get Numbuh Five duct-taped," I said, suddenly feeling a weird feelin' in my stomach.
"Yeah..." Hoagie sounded as uncomfortable as I felt. "I guess we better go meet Donovan."
Within minutes we were at the Delightful Children's house.
"What do you want?" They all said at once, as they usually do.
"Look, the plot just got changed." I answered. "Kuki and Wally walked out of the fanfic."
"What?" The Delightful Children said, shocked. They rarely ever thought of leaving each other, much less reality.
Donovan, alone, added "Impossible! What will we do with this bad excuse for a fanfic now?"
"Well, we were thinking of retconning the story." I said, thinking, "And, ummm... I'm your victim."
Donovan's eyes widened, then narrowed and he smiled like an evil punk brat. "Well... this could be interesting." He said. Then he became more businesslike and said "Well, I'm gonna have to give you a crash course in being a victim. I understand you don't have much experience with that."
"Sure don't."
"Well, the basics are that you're traumatized for life."
"That all?"
"Yeah, but it's hard to act traumatized. Unless you're that kid from Them!" He looked up thoughtfully. "She was probably the most convincing child actress like, ever. Why don't they come like that anymore? Oh well." He looked back at me. "Anyway, to make this work you're going to have to imagine the scene as it played out. Everyone, please stand back. I have to walk Abby through this."
He grabbed my hand and we walked a bit out onto the grass. He pointed and said, "Here's how the scene in chapter one played out: I was coming home from the store with a new roll of duct tape," he started miming the motion of carrying something, "and I passed the alley, where I looked and saw Ku--I mean, you--laying unconscious. Lay down."
I shrugged, and did so, layin' flat on my back.
"It wasn't like that. You were collapsed from having drunk the last bottle of New Coke. Try to look collapsed. And she was face-down."
So I turned over, put my arms n' legs n' stuff in more awkward positions. Donovan then came and moved my arms and legs a bit, and I felt a li'l weird about that but he kept sayin' it was just for accuracy. Then he got it perfectly right.
"So I happened upon you in this position, and my natural urges took over. I pulled out my duct tape and wrapped you up. But not completely--you could still move. I didn't want to use the whole roll on you. As I was doing so, I turned you on your back, like so. I think I wrapped up your left arm and your right leg. And then I..."
His glance darted towards Cheryl, then back at me, and I could tell he was scared o' sumthin'.
He leaned closer to me and said "I... kissed you."
"What?!" I sat up. "You... while I was... ewww! Yuck!" I stood, completely disgusted, spitting as if I could still taste his lips. "Nuh uh, Numbuh Five is not doin' this anymore!"
And I quit the fanfic.
*~Numbuh 2's POV~*
Donovan kept waving his hands like he didn't want Numbuh Five to say something that might compromise him, but it was clear enough to everyone what he had just said. Numbuh Five was always kinda anti-romantic (except for the occasional crush) and everyone knew it.
Donovan kinda slowly walked back to the mansion as the girl left, and I could tell how nervous he was. I wanted to tell him I knew what he was feeling, girls can be a pain sometimes. But I didn't have a chance.
Cheryl looked at him with total anger and said "You. KISSED. Her?"
Donovan twiddled his fingers and made a look like a kindergartener who is begging not to be spanked.
Cheryl put her hands together, a glowing ball formed and she started chanting "Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows."
The other Delightful Dorks began running for the borders of the fanfic, but not Donovan. He twiddled his fingers, but he was too panic-struck to do anything else. I wanted to help him, I really did, but it was too late.
"Cheryl STYLE!" A big explosion erupted, charring the front door of the mansion. "Cheryl GRACE!" An even bigger explosion erupted, blowing out all the windows. "Cheryl POWER puts you in your place!" She finished the incantation with an explosion so big it destroyed the entire mansion.
Then, in a huff, Cheryl too walked off the edge of the fanfic.
I walked over to Donovan, who was charred but living, and let him lean on me. I, too, was walking to the edge of the fanfic. If I got there fast enough, Donovan would be all right.
It's all yours, James.
*~Jimmy's POV~*
As Hoagie walked towards the edge of the fanfic, Numbuh One called "Wait, you can't leave too!"
"Sorry Numbuh One, but I can't just let him die!" Hoagie retorted. "Besides, all the girls have left, and who has ever heard of a good fanfic without girls?" So he shrugged and continued on his merry journey.
At this point, I decided that Kuki was right... this story has gotten lame. Heck, why am I even here? Who cares? I mean, I've got better things to do. You know what? I quit too.
Good day.
*~Numbuh One's POV~*
No, James! Not you too!
That... leaves me... all alone.
I'm scared right now. Very scared. I've never been all alone in such an immense fanfic before. I mean, I've moped in my room a few times, I've even been dead before. But those are comfortable, when you know your friends are within the reach of a paragraph and the familiar world is just right there.
It's so very cold now. So cold and chilly. I can almost feel the absolute lack of everything touching me, wanting to make me disappear. The last remaining character in a story with no author.
No!
I have never been a quitter and I don't intend to start now! And frankly, I've never met a tougher challenge. And that's just the way I like it! Fine then, if James won't continue this story, I will. I'll bring it to a satisfactory conclusion! I will find a way!
Just give me time to think.
To be continued! Just give me time...
|
|
|
Post by faircod1965 on Mar 27, 2007 17:01:04 GMT
Another great chapter, the story's getting even more exciting.
|
|
|
Post by thesuki on Mar 27, 2007 20:18:09 GMT
Oh, snap. What's Nigel gonna do? Tape himself?
|
|
|
Post by NumbuhInfinity on Mar 27, 2007 21:09:39 GMT
I don't know if you were mocking Wally's terrible spelling or mocking how writters overexaggerate his accent, but if it's the latter, thank you! That's a big pet peeve of mine.
I think I recognize "STYLE, GRACE, POWER..." Tokyo Mew Mew, right? Or at least the dub? But what about the "darkness twilight" thing? I don't recognize that... Cardcaptor Sakura?
|
|
|
Post by hypergirl20 on Mar 27, 2007 22:25:16 GMT
That was so funny. Nigel...nigel...nigel....this is gonnabe interesting
|
|
|
Post by numbuheightbitstar on Mar 28, 2007 1:52:05 GMT
I think I recognize "STYLE, GRACE, POWER..." Tokyo Mew Mew, right? Or at least the dub? But what about the "darkness twilight" thing? I don't recognize that... Cardcaptor Sakura? The style/grace/power thing is indeed Mew Mew Power. "Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows" comes from this (and judging from that clip, either I flubbed the quote, or they translated it differently each time that chant was used).
|
|
|
Post by numbuheightbitstar on Apr 7, 2007 3:24:00 GMT
Chapter Eight: A matter of peeling onions
*~Numbuh One's POV~*
I know I've been gone a long time, and most of you probably thought I would never be coming back. It was a long and difficult struggle, but once again Numbuh One triumphs!
And now, the big reveal.
Mushi was all alone in her room, hugging her rainbow monkey in fear, fear that the evil sticky duct-tape would come back to haunt her in her dreams.
Suddenly, the door creaked open, and in stepped a shadow. Mushi quivered with fear. Was this her evil tormentor, come to put her through the nightmare all over again?
The light came on, and there stood me.
"What's up?" I asked, trying to be as calm and soothing as possible as I sat beside her.
"It's... nothing," Mushi said, but I could tell she was lying. I stroked her hair, and she continued. "I'm just scared. I mean, there's a wild tapist on the loose. He might come back for me."
"Well if he does, I'll protect you!" I offered heroically.
She sniffed, wiped a tear from her eye, and said "Thanks." Then she hugged me.
My mind raced as I stroked her hair some more. Here, within reach, was the girl I loved. How to say it, though? And at her most vulnerable moment? Would my words be soothing and comforting or would I end up pushing her away, breaking such news to her at such a moment? It was not an easy decision.
I gulped.
I grabbed her shoulder, a little harder than I should've but enough to let Mushi know something was about to happen.
Then, I choked it out.
"Mushi... I... love you."
She looked at me with surprise, and I caught her gaze. Somehow I found myself just dropping the words out of my mouth. "I love you. I've loved you ever since we first met! And now... well, I just couldn't hold it in any longer!"
She stared into my eyes, and I into hers.
Then she smirked and said "No offense, but this whole romance angle kinda ruins the moment."
"Yeah, and really its... kind of creepy. I mean I first met you five years ago, and you were a baby!"
Mushi giggled. "Yeah. So what's up with the mushy stuff anyway? I thought you boys didn't like that?"
"Oh, I asked James for suggestions and he said that a completely disturbing romance angle is always a good addition to any story. I don't know what he's thinking half the time." I sighed, then said, "You know, us sitting here talking like film critics kinda ruins the moment too."
"Maybe. But little kids can have an onion too."
"Onion?"
"Yeah, onion."
"Don't you mean, 'can have an opinion?"
"No, I mean onion!"
"What's an onion got to do with this? Why do you want an onion?"
"Because... because.... Because it's my onion!"
And then Mushi flew into a Sanban Rage.
"All my life, people have been trying to seperate me from my onion! It's so unfair! Why can't me and my onion be together? Why? What does society have against us? Are we so bad? All you meanieheads just leave me and my onion alone!"
And she ran out of the room.
The next day, I awoke to find the entire city plastered with propoganda. Propoganda which read something like "I reserve the right to hug my onion!" and "Onions and Little Girls forever!" Pro-Onion rallies were being held in the streets. The six o'clock news ran a special called "the History of Onion Companionship."
It really got out of hand.
The next time I saw Mushi, I said "Look, I know how you feel, but this onion nonsense has to end!"
"No!" She declared defiantly. "Not until the world gives me the right to hug my onion!"
"Just hug it already!" I said.
She stared at me, then said "Aww, but hugging it without a revolution is no fun!"
I sighed, and said "Mushi Mushi Mushi... I knew I should've left you in the alley."
"What?" She said with a slanted eye, and then receeded in fear when I advanced, brandishing my duct tape. Finally, she understood.
Donovan couldn't be the tapist. He was no longer in this fanfic. In fact, nobody was in this fanfic except me and her, so she had to fulfill all the female roles and I had to fulfill all the male roles.
I was the tapist.
To be continued!
And seriously, someone should make a banner out of "I reserve the right to hug an onion."
|
|
|
Post by thesuki on Apr 7, 2007 3:30:35 GMT
This thing has reach such a level of weird that it's making sense.
Welcome... to the EightStar Zone. *doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo*
|
|
|
Post by faircod1965 on Apr 7, 2007 19:21:42 GMT
Another fantastic chapter of this story.
|
|