Someones After Rachel (Another Fic)

[numberunknown]

Rachel was known at school as "Rachel". Nobody at her school, who wasn't in KND, knew that she was the Supreme Commander. Rachel felt that she could be much more herself at school, and she sort of enjoyed that. Exept for a couple of operatives, no one in KND knew about her... personally. She was very different at school, not at all the Rachel who sits on moonbase ordering people around all day. She went to school one cold day in October, walking with her friends. The best friends she had, were named Cura, James and Delilah. The four of them were always glued together. She timidly walked to school with her friends. Cura seemed sicked on the topic of which boys she would go out with. Delilah was agreeably going along with the conversation. James was standing against the fence, trying to block their conversation out. Rachel was in the middle. She would sometimes jump in with comments like, "Are you nuts?" or "Maybe..." but she wasn't really paying attention.

Like everyone in school, Rachel had an enemy. Being Numbuh 362 of the Kids Next Door, she knew a lot about enemies, but Sophia and Jackson were her least favorite. Sophia and Jackson were twins, who taunted her every second they got the chance, and Rachel was sure that they would do anything to hurt her. Jackson walked up behind Rachel, ripping her backpack off of her back. She turned timidly, almost the opposite of her KND self. She picked up her bookbag, and put it back on. Jackson wouldn't leave it at that, he followed her.

"Hey, common, leave her alone," said James, glaring at Jackson. Jackson ignored him, and kept picking on Rachel. What happened next, was the last thing she wanted.

All of the KND members from her school, ganged up on him, chasing him away. Rachel kept walking, she could have sworn that she saw Jackson pin Numbuh 13 up against a tree, but she couldn't give up her identity to help him.

To Be Continued

[scone]

timid 362 makes baby jesus cry T_T

[kukinwally4eva]

i think its good so far you should write more

[tako]

I'm sorry, but I have to agree with Scone. Timid Rachel? I mean, her entire character is against that. Sure, Rachel is at times unsure, but not timid. Why would she put on an entire act while at school, other than for, perhaps, plot purposes?

[numberunknown]

everyone is mean to her at her school

[scone]

and again, canon Rachel doesn't seem like the type to tolerate that nonsense. self assured, confident kids usually aren't massively hated, because kids prey on weakness.

besides, even if all the kids were mean to her, she's made of stronger stuff than that. every supervillain in the show is mean to her, and she deals with it fine.

overall, poor characterization in general.

[eveluvswally]

numberunknown said:

Exept for a couple of operatives, no one in KND knew about her

Wait..what? How can no one in KND know about her? She talked to them all in I.T. Not to mention, as supreme leader, she must have met them all.

numberunknown said:

Being Numbuh 362 of the Kids Next Door, she knew a lot about enemies, but Sophia and Jackson were her least favorite

And why would she dislike people that just teased her more than she dislikes people that try to take freedom from kids everywhere? That doesn't seem like her.

This confused me.

[Nella (Numbuh 310)]

Poor characterization makes me sad. I basically second scone and eve's comments.

[hoagiegal1970]

What's with all the OOC fics? OOC makes for a sh*tty!fic.

No one likes reading about characters they don't recognize.

[aims]

im with you there Madame...sorry hun, but go back to square one and examine characters before writing them too OOC, k?

not being mean, but i just think you need a lot more author study. meaning go to the books, internet or whatever, and study styles of authoring. im sure if you take this tiny bit of advice, you'll get better. prectice makes perfect.

so remember this and maybe for the next chapter or fanfic, use the advice

[numbuheightbitstar]

Everyone else has commented on the characterization, and I agree with them. Now to throw something new on the table:

I'm glad you switched to full prose. See? Isn't writing this way MUCH better than script format?

I'm also glad I get to be Rachel's friend and be the guy who sticks up for her ^__^.

[Celra]

numberunknown said:

She was very different at school, not at all the Rachel who sits on moonbase ordering people around all day.

That dosent make sense if she is the supreme leader and orders people around on the moonbase why would she be any different at school? (Well Minus the ordering people around part)

Sorry but that makes no sense,True she wouldent be ordering them around but...She would have more friends than that and wouldent let people push her around

As for her being numbuh 262 why would she hide that? they call eachother by numbuhs in school.