Nigel Talks About Romance Fics

[numbuheightbitstar]

The lights dimmed, and then the stage lights lit. Behind the podium was the be-sunspectacled leader of Sector V, Nigel Uno. He coughed, and tapped the microphone. Then, he gave his speech.

"People of the fanfiction community," he began, "I know our show is very popular with you. I know you love sending us on wild new adventures and speculating on what the future holds in store for us. But please, I beg of you, please stop writing romance stories!

"I know it seems silly, but trust me, romance fiction is the absolute worst experience I have ever been put through." Even as Nigel said this, Kuki and Abby walked on the stage and stood upon either side of him. "Ever since reading some of them, the two female operatives of my team," Nigel continued, "have taken to using every opportunity to embarrass me in public."

That this very moment, both Kuki and Abby kissed him on the cheeks. Then their eyes fell on each other, and Kuki said "Back off, he's mine!"

"Nuh-uh! Numbuh Five saw 'im first!"

The two girls walked in front of the podium and stared each other down.

"Hussie!" Kuki continued.

"Homewrecker!" Abby answered.

"That's it, we're settling this for good! I challenge you to a duel!" Kuki challenged.

"You're on!" Abby answered as both girls pulled out their Gameboys, linked them up, and played a game of Yu-Gi-Oh.

"The event you are all witnessing," Nigel said once the girls had stopped fighting, "Has been part of my everyday existence for the last week. ever since both Numbuh Two and Numbuh Four came down with a 'mysterious illness' and went home.

"But the point is, all this romance has wrecked the team and been nothing but a detriment to our mission! I mean sure, I love getting a free burger every couple of days, and the attention is kind of cool too, and all that... but seriously! I'm a man of action, not a romeo! I need to be out in the field, stopping evil adult plots! I mean, I'm sure that while we're at home, getting loved up and coming down with 'mysterious illnesses', that the adults are out there thinking of the perfect way to wipe us off the map once and for all! We're wasting valuable time! I mean come on guys, what would you rather me do, get lovey dovey with one of the girls, or kick adult butt?"

"Kick adult butt!" Was the unanimous cry.

"Thank you!" Numbuh One cried out. "There, since we're all agreed..."

"Though I personally think Nigel and Abby would make a cute couple," said one of the fangirls in the audience, causing Numbuh One to pause with surprise.

Another fangirl chimed up, "No way! He's got Lizzie, and Lizzie's the best there is!"

"Heck no!" Came a distinctly male voice, "He should get together with that cute Numbuh Three!"

"He can't! He has to dump Lizzie and then get together with my original character!"

"Forget original characters, Nigel needs to get together with me!."

"Hey! No self-insertion couplings!"

"Yea! Stick to canon, and that means he sticks to Lizzie!"

"But he could always break up later!"

"No he won't!"

"YES HE WILL!"

And at this point, the audience of KND fans got into a bitter, bloody brawl.

Numbuh One smacked his forehead, and then screamed into the microphone, "EXCUSE ME? Did anyone hear what I just said? I don't want to be coupled! Neither do Numbuhs Two and Four! And the girls... well, okay, I don't know about them. But still! Look, if you guys want to see romance so badly, GET A DATE!"

And with that, Numbuh One left the podium and walked off the stage, closely followed by the two girls.

When they were behind the curtain, Abby said "You know, that was a rather rude way of ending the speech."

"I don't care!" Nigel answered. "I just wanna go home."

"But I was gonna buy you a burger!" Kuki complained. Suddenly a tone came from her game, and she said "Awww, now look! I lost cuz I was distracted!"

Abby smirked. "Looks like I'm buying that burger."

"No you're not! I wanna rematch! We're gonna play fair this time!"

Numbuh One looked at them with extreme irritation, anger, annoyance... and then finally said, "I give up. Let's have a burger."

Later, at the treehouse, Abby and Kuki made preparations to return home.

"Sorry about your mysterious illness, Numbuh One," Abby said to Nigel as he lay in the sofa, covered by a blanket, wearing an ice pack on his head, and with a thermometer in his mouth.

"Hope you get better soon!" Kuki agreed.

"Thanks. I'll see you both next week. Enjoy your vacation," Nigel responded in a weak, gasping voice.

"You sure you don't want us to stick around?" Abby asked.

"I'll be fine, Numbuh Five." Nigel answered.

"Okay, if you say so. See ya later Numbuh One!" Abby said.

"Byeeeeeee!" Kuki concluded as she closed the door on her way out.

Numbuh One waited five minutes to be certain, then picked up a telephone and called a number. Upon recieving an answer, Numbuh One said, in a voice that was no longer gasping, "Hey Numbuh Four, want to get Numbuh Two and hang out? No no, the girls went home. Okay, see you at six!"

The End

[cedric75]

Hilarious. I don't support any couples anyway.

[Shwoo]

That was funny. I especially liked the fight between the KND fans.

[dragonmasterhawk]

*Applauds.*

Quality work.

[heleen]

Great! Especially the end. I so had to laugh, it was just hilarious.

[thuhjesheekuh]

Well-stated. I personally don't have a problem with decent romance fiction, but there is too much OOC within the general community.

Okay, you're gonna be my guinea pig as I practice with the Fanfiction Review Service.

Plot: 4/10- It's more of a rant than a fiction. Yes, you included the characters, and, yes, they were all the ones speaking, but it was clear that they were only voicing your own opinions. I gave a 4 because there is some semblance of a plot in that Nigel was clearly trying to accomplish a goal (getting his life back).
Spelling/Grammar: 6/10- You have the basic handle on it, but there were many usage and punctuation rules, especially in the transition between quotation and narration. In the future, proofread and use spellcheck. Either one could have saved you from a good deal fo grammar mistakes.
Characterization: 10/10- I give you a 10 only because it's clear that Abby and Kuki aren't supposed to be in character, as it's a satire. Nigel was in perfect character, I thought, with the business-like manner and the exasperation at human stupidity. Keep him up.
Genre: 8/10- I'm not positive as to what genre you were going for, but I'm going to go with humor/satire. As a satire, you covered all bases: it makes fun of a common group of people by parodying those people in a way to bring remedy. As a humor, you could have done better. It's funny because many of the readers can relate to the problem of bad fanfiction, but there just wasn't quite enough comedy to rate a full 10.
Technique: 8/10- The technique was good. You set out to get a point across, and you did so in a humorous manner. However, there is not enough action: the story is based too much on dialogue, albeit good dialogue/monologue.

Overall: 72/100- Overall, a pretty good piece, but it could stand improvement in the aforementioned areas.

[dragonmasterhawk]

Spelling/Grammar: 6/10- You have the basic handle on it, but there were many usage and punctuation rules, especially in the transition between quotation and narration. In the future, proofread and use spellcheck. Either one could have saved you from a good deal fo grammar mistakes.

Would you mind listing some examples of this? I consider myself something of a grammar/spelling aficionado, and I don't remember seeing a single error, other than perhaps...

Numbuh One looked at them with extreme irritation, anger, annoyance... and then finally said "I give up. Let's have a burger."

He didn't include a comma after "said", though he did in other parts of the rant. This is really a minor, minor complaint though, so I'm intensely curious as to what you found wrong with it.

[numbuheightbitstar]

Thank you all ^__^

To ThuhJesheekuh: I appreciate the "Fanfiction Review Service," but you're correct in that the fanfic was more of a commentary than anything, so I wasn't really thinking about things like plot and technique.

I thought Kuki and Abby were perfectly in-character though. What about them did you find OOC?

EDIT: This story is now available on Fanfiction.net, under the title "Numbuh One on Romance." I fixed the punctuation error DragonMasterHawk pointed out while I was at it.

[thuhjesheekuh]

Then, he gave his speech.

No comma after "then."

He coughed, and tapped the microphone.

No comma after "cough."

Even as Nigel said this, Kuki and Abby walked on the stage and stood upon either side of him.

"Upon" should be simply "on."

That this very moment, both Kuki and Abby kissed him on the cheeks.

I think "that" is supposed to be "at." In addition, "this" should be "that" because of the past tense. Finally, "cheeks" should be singular, unless you meant both girls kissed him on both cheeks.

Then their eyes fell on each other, and Kuki said "Back off, he's mine!"

There should be a comma after "said."

"You're on!" Abby answered as both girls pulled out their Gameboys, linked them up, and played a game of Yu-Gi-Oh.

There should be a comma after "answered."

"The event you are all witnessing," Nigel said once the girls had stopped fighting, "Has been part of my everyday existence for the last week.

The problem here is that "has" is capitalized. This is not usually a problem because it is really a matter of preference. However, you need to be consistent throughout the piece, but in the third paragraph you lowercased:

"Ever since reading some of them, the two female operatives of my team," Nigel continued, "have taken to using every opportunity to embarrass me in public."

ever since both Numbuh Two and Numbuh Four came down with a 'mysterious illness' and went home.

"Ever" should be capitalized. There should be a comma after "since." Insert a "have" after "Four" and change "came" to "come." Change "went" to "gone."

I mean sure, I love getting a free burger every couple of days, and the attention is kind of cool too, and all that... but seriously!

Add a comma after "mean."

I'm a man of action, not a romeo!

"Romeo" should be capitalized.

I mean, I'm sure that while we're at home, getting loved up and coming down with 'mysterious illnesses', that the adults are out there thinking of the perfect way to wipe us off the map once and for all!

The comma after "illnesses" should be inside the quotation mark. The "that" after illnesses should be gone because there is already a "that" serving its purpose in the beginning of the sentence.

I mean come on guys, what would you rather me do, get lovey dovey with one of the girls, or kick adult butt?"

There should be a comma after "mean" and "on." The comma after "guys" should be a period, making "what" the beginning of a whole new sentence. The comma after "do" should be a colon instead. "Lovey" and "dovey" should have a hyphen instead of a space in between them. There should be no comma after "girls."

"Kick adult butt!" Was the unanimous cry.

"Was" should be lower-cased.

"Heck no!" Came a distinctly male voice, "He should get together with that cute Numbuh Three!"

"Came" should be lower-cased. Depending on what you decided about your preference earlier, "he" may need to be lower-cased as well.

"Yea! Stick to canon, and that means he sticks to Lizzie!"

"Yea" is properly spelled "yeah." "Yea" is pronounced the same as "yay."

"No he won't!"

"YES HE WILL!"

There should be a comma after both "no" and "yes."

And at this point, the audience of KND fans got into a bitter, bloody brawl.

NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER start a sentence with "and!"

Numbuh One smacked his forehead, and then screamed into the microphone, "EXCUSE ME? Did anyone hear what I just said?

No comma is needed after "forehead."

And the girls... well, okay, I don't know about them. But still!

Again, NEVER start a sentence with "and." The two sentences should also be combined by replacing the period after "them" with a comma and lower-casing the "but."

And with that, Numbuh One left the podium and walked off the stage, closely followed by the two girls.

Once again, NEVER start a sentence with "and."

When they were behind the curtain, Abby said "You know, that was a rather rude way of ending the speech."

Add a comma after "said."

Suddenly a tone came from her game, and she said "Awww, now look! I lost cuz I was distracted!"

There should be a comma after "said." "Awww" only needs one "w," making it "aw." "Cuz" should be "'cause."

"No you're not!

You need a comma after "no."

"Sorry about your mysterious illness, Numbuh One," Abby said to Nigel as he lay in the sofa, covered by a blanket, wearing an ice pack on his head, and with a thermometer in his mouth.

There should be a comma after "Nigel." "In" should be "on." The final item in the list, "with a thermometer in his mouth," should probably be changed so that it starts with a verb like the other items in the list ("lay," "covered," and "wearing). Use a verb like "hold" or "clamp" instead of "with."

"Thanks. I'll see you both next week. Enjoy your vacation," Nigel responded in a weak, gasping voice.

"Vacation" should be plural, "vacations."

"I'll be fine, Numbuh Five." Nigel answered.

The period after "Five" should be a comma.

See ya later Numbuh One!

There should be a comma after "later."

"Byeeeeeee!" Kuki concluded as she closed the door on her way out.

"Byeeeeeee," while I realize is trying to characterize Kuki, only needs two to three "e"s to get the point across, making it "byeee." You need a comma after "concluded."

No no, the girls went home.

There should be another comma after the first "no."

You could be a published work, and I could still find your grammar errors. In the 13 hours it took me to read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, I found many (albeit, inconsequential) mistakes. It comes with the territory of being the rising editor-in-chief of The Cougar Express

Kuki and Abby I thought were significantly OOC. Hello? They were obsessing over Nigel, not to mention, I can't imagine Kuki calling anyone, let alone one of teammates, a hussie. In addition, they were playing Yu-Gi-Oh to settle their differences, when Abby has showed an express dislike for trading card games (Yipper, specifically). They were considerably more in character for the latter part of the story, but I still thought Abby was too concerned for Nigel.

I still thought it was a good piece, but the FRS thread is right, the best way to help someone is to be nit-picky. Trustt me: I know from experience, and I have seen work that was much worse than yours.

...My post is longer than your story...

edit: I have an idea for you to get back at me and help me at the same time. Could you read my story and nit-pick it??? ;D I've posted Op: S.I.D.E.L.I.N.E.S. on both ff.net and here at the forum, and no one has responded to it... I really need to know if it actually came out as crap.

[numbuheightbitstar]

thuhjesheekuh said:

No comma after "cough."

This I'm pretty sure you're mistaken about, because IIRC you're supposed to always use a comma before "and."

Your critique is noted, but there's at least five times where you corrected my punctuation when it was already correct.

Kuki and Abby I thought were significantly OOC. Hello? They were obsessing over Nigel, not to mention, I can't imagine Kuki calling anyone, let alone one of teammates, a hussie.

This was in-character, as they weren't seriously attracted to him, they were just teasing.

In addition, they were playing Yu-Gi-Oh to settle their differences, when Abby has showed an express dislike for trading card games (Yipper, specifically).

I didn't specify which Yu-Gi-Oh they were playing, so they could easily have been playing Dungeon Dice Monsters (which isn't a card game) ^__^. Yea, I know this is a cheap excuse. Sowwy ^^"

In all seriousness though, I've never imagined Abby being adverse to card games (except maybe Yipper in particular), but then, I haven't seen most of Seasons Four and Five, so...

They were considerably more in character for the latter part of the story, but I still thought Abby was too concerned for Nigel.

I don't think so. Abby, after all, worries when Nigel doesn't get enough sleep (Op. QUIET) so I figure it's not a far leap for her to worry when he's sick.

edit: I have an idea for you to get back at me and help me at the same time. Could you read my story and nit-pick it??? ;D I've posted Op: S.I.D.E.L.I.N.E.S. on both ff.net and here at the forum, and no one has responded to it... I really need to know if it actually came out as crap.

I don't believe in revenge ^__^

But sure, I don't got anything to do right now anyway. I'm not a very good nit-picker though--I tend to care more about the substance (characters, plot, etc) than stuff like grammar and spelling.

[thuhjesheekuh]

numbuheightbitstar said:

thuhjesheekuh said:

No comma after "cough."

This I'm pretty sure you're mistaken about, because IIRC you're supposed to always use a comma before "and."

I'm not sure what IIRC is, but the and after a comma is only when the and is being used to make a compound sentence, which the example given is not.

Quote:Kuki and Abby I thought were significantly OOC. Hello? They were obsessing over Nigel, not to mention, I can't imagine Kuki calling anyone, let alone one of teammates, a hussie.



This was in-character, as they weren't seriously attracted to him, they were just teasing.

Okay, well, that could have been clearer then, because I thought they were being serious...

In all seriousness though, I've never imagined Abby being adverse to card games (except maybe Yipper in particular), but then, I haven't seen most of Seasons Four and Five, so...

During Op: U.N.C.O.O.L., I'm pretty sure she doesn't say it's Yipper specifically that she thinks is geeky, but I'd say after that episode is over, she would probably have an aversion to any card game.

Quote:They were considerably more in character for the latter part of the story, but I still thought Abby was too concerned for Nigel.



I don't think so. Abby, after all, worries when Nigel doesn't get enough sleep (Op. QUIET) so I figure it's not a far leap for her to worry when he's sick.

This is true, and I wrestled with myself before I typed that, but I still think that, well... I dunno, I guess I haven't seen Op: Q.U.I.E.T. in a long time, so I'm just gonna drop that one...

In other news, I hope I don't seem exceedingly nit-picky or argumentative either, but I'm upset b/c it's 4AM and I'm still not tired, and I'm trying to re-regulate my sleep schedule for an important pilgrimage in about a week... so... [/unnecessary whininess]

[dragonmasterhawk]

Well played! However, I do need to bring up a few points...

No comma after "cough."

Technically, yes. You're never supposed to separate a dependent clause with a comma like that. However, this is informal writing. Commas are often used like that to give an informal "pause" of sorts. It would have been more technically correct to use an ellipsis, but those things REALLY begin to clutter up a writing like this.

"Upon" should be simply "on."

Writer's discretion. Most of the time, "upon" IS just a fancy way of saying "on", but that's also its greatest strength. (Am I right in believing you subscribe to Strunk's and White's rule of "Omit Needless Words!"?)

There should be a comma after "answered."

Not necessarily, I think. Even if it is technically correct, I would never do it. It breaks up the sentence in an unforgivable way. But I still think you can legitimately do it.

There should be a comma after "since."

WHAT!? That makes absolutely no sense, and totally messes up the sentence. You're saying that, instead of writing, "Ever since I started missing the bus, I had to walk to school," you should write, "Ever since, I started missing the bus, I had to walk to school."? Please, explain. (That there's one o' those "informal commas".)

Insert a "have" after "Four" and change "came" to "come." Change "went" to "gone."

No. No, no, no. See, Nigel is speaking. Dialogue is SUPPOSED to be riddled with errors. If everyone spoke perfectly, we'd have some pretty dry dialogue. Most people use "good" when they should use "well". Most people speak in fragments. Most people slur words or cut parts off entirely. In essence: the words of dialogue are without rules, only guidelines.

Add a comma after "mean."

This is exactly the opposite. An informal LACK of comma. The words "I mean sure" were being said in quick succession, not "I mean, sure". The second suggests that the speaker is being more open toward a certain subject. The first is mostly filler, almost a vocalized pause.

"Romeo" should be capitalized.

Writer's discretion. He's treating "Romeo" as a common noun, not as a name. One of my characters in an RP I frequent is a lothario. He's not Lothario. There are not many Lotharios, of which he is one. He is a lothario.

The comma after "illnesses" should be inside the quotation mark.

ONLY if you subscribe to the American way. The British put punctuation NOT ASSOCIATED with the actual quote OUTSIDE the quote. I prefer this, myself. I think placing punctuation where it doesn't belong is...well, icky. All that matters is that he's CONSISTENT.

The "that" after illnesses should be gone because there is already a "that" serving its purpose in the beginning of the sentence.

Dialogue; no rules. (Hey, a fragment!) (That was, too!)

There should be a comma after both "no" and "yes."

Writer's discretion. Once again, that comma can be foregone to make it faster.

NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER start a sentence with "and!"

WRONG! That is a lie told to young writers in order to stop them from writing lines upon lines of, "And then he...", "And after that he...". Same with "because" and "but". THEY ARE ALL USABLE! Because of these lies, we've lost many a good sentence. And another thing, they often add a common, general, informal flair to writing. But, if people won't use them, they won't use them.

The two sentences should also be combined by replacing the period after "them" with a comma and lower-casing the "but."

Writer's discretion.

"Awww" only needs one "w," making it "aw." "Cuz" should be "'cause."

Onomatopoeia really doesn't have rules. "Awww" is longer than "Aw". Simple enough.

The second part, though, I think is blatantly wrong. To put it bluntly, words that have letters omitted like that CONSTANTLY often find new forms which don't require apostrophes at all. Take "until", for example. To shorten it, you write "'til" (hard to see the apostrophe, I know). However, the word "till" has become widely used, which means the same thing, but is, in itself, a new word. This is also the case with "cuz". It's dialogue; it's slang. You want slang to LOOK like slang. Would I write it as "'cause"? Probably. But that's my choice.

There should be a comma after "Nigel."

Once again, whaaaa...? I'm still not seeing it.

"Vacation" should be plural, "vacations."

Dialogue. Nigel can say whatever he wants. Besides, if they're both taking a vacation at the same time, for the same reason, then it could, feasably, be singular.

"Byeeeeeee," while I realize is trying to characterize Kuki, only needs two to three "e"s to get the point across, making it "byeee."

I disagree. "Byeee!" isn't nearly as efficient as "Byeeeeeee!" in conveying the whiny nature of Kuki's voice.


Whew. It's impressive that you're an editor for a newspaper, but I think you may need to be a bit more lax when it comes to fiction. Newspapers are supposed to tell the truth and, on occasion, opinions. It's therefore good that they follow a set of strict, no-nonsense rules like that. But newspapers aren't supposed to be emotionally moving like fiction is. And, sometimes, in order to get the point across, you need to bend the rules.

Grammar's all about knowing the rules, because, once you know them, you can break them.

[numbuheightbitstar]

thuhjesheekuh said:

Okay, well, that could have been clearer then, because I thought they were being serious...

... So, you know a lot of girls who resolve their claim to a man using a Gameboy game? ^__^

[Shwoo]

It sounds like something an OOC parody would do to me.

[●•Sannish●•]

I like it, it was funny!