Post by cybra on May 27, 2004 18:29:55 GMT
I like the story, but I guess I'm going to have to feel like a total jerk and be the "Evil Editor Cybra." In other words, I'm going to use the form thing that Tako and the other geniuses of this forum gave us and score you out of a hundred. Please don't think I'm being mean! I want to help! I swear! 
Plot: 9
Pretty good thus far. Not a perfect ten since - due to this being the first part - you don't get a real idea of what the plot's going to be. Though you definitely get the idea that there's going to be lovely, lovely tension. Definitely not a "love at first sight" fic which would clash with episodes like "FUGITIVE" and "REPORT."
Spelling: 7
You have definite spelling mistakes on the trickier words like "defenceless" instead of "defenseless" and "disided" instead of "decided." You may want to run spell check again or grab a dictionary next time.
Also, Stardrifter 8 already pointed out the "Common vs. Come on" thing.
Grammar: 4
I'm sorry, but my internal grammar wizard went into orbit.
You sprinkle capital letters in odd places. You may want to double-check the appropriateness of a capital letter before you place it somewhere.
There are also comma splices. In other words, you connect two complete sentences together with a comma. Try one of the "FANBOYS;" next time: "for," "and," "nor," "but," "or," "yet," "so," or a semicolon. If that doesn't work for you, then just separate the two sentences.
On dialogue, when you come to the end of a phrase which would ordinarily end in a period and you are going to put something like "he said," end it with a period. Then the phrase like "he said" or "said he" would begin with a lowercase letter.
Also, when you switch the focus onto someone else, it's a good idea to switch paragraphs. Otherwise, it looks a little cluttered.
For example, this:
"No one attacks any Kids Next Door member." She said, Nigel smiled, maybe she wasn't so bad after all. "..No matter how stupid and pathetic they are." She added only to receive a death glare from Nigel.
Would be edited like this:
"No one attacks any Kids Next Door member," she said.
Nigel smiled. Maybe she wasn't so bad after all.
"..No matter how stupid and pathetic they are," she added only to receive a death glare from Nigel.
Characterization: 6
Believe it or not, I'm giving you a little leeway considering that this is the first chapter. Numbuhs 2, 3, 4, and 5's easy acceptance that Numbuh 86 could do what they couldn't left me a little uneasy. It didn't seem like them.
Also, the ease of the defeats of both the Kids Next Door and then the Delightful Children left me with the feeling that you rushed. It didn't seem like either side would have been beaten like that unless they had been taken completely offguard. The Delightful Children probably would have seen Numbuh 1 contacting someone and tried to stop him, or the Kids Next Door would have at least tried to dodge. (See what I meant when I said that I was the Evil Editor earlier?)
But you hit Numbuhs 1 and 86 right on the dot. You could light a match with the amount of friction between the two.
Genre: 9
Assuming that this is romance, I withhold full judgement on how well it fits the genre until I read more of it. Obviously, no romance in this chapter. However, this chapter sets up for a possible bumpy ride for Numbuh 1 and Numbuh 86, which is guaranteed to be fun for the reader.
Overall Score: 69/100
It was a pretty good story, Numbuh 17, but it's your bad luck that I'm a total grammar nerd. Sorry.
I hope that I helped. I am looking forward to the next chapter. The concept intrigues me.
~Cybra
Plot: 9
Pretty good thus far. Not a perfect ten since - due to this being the first part - you don't get a real idea of what the plot's going to be. Though you definitely get the idea that there's going to be lovely, lovely tension. Definitely not a "love at first sight" fic which would clash with episodes like "FUGITIVE" and "REPORT."
Spelling: 7
You have definite spelling mistakes on the trickier words like "defenceless" instead of "defenseless" and "disided" instead of "decided." You may want to run spell check again or grab a dictionary next time.
Also, Stardrifter 8 already pointed out the "Common vs. Come on" thing.
Grammar: 4
I'm sorry, but my internal grammar wizard went into orbit.
You sprinkle capital letters in odd places. You may want to double-check the appropriateness of a capital letter before you place it somewhere.
There are also comma splices. In other words, you connect two complete sentences together with a comma. Try one of the "FANBOYS;" next time: "for," "and," "nor," "but," "or," "yet," "so," or a semicolon. If that doesn't work for you, then just separate the two sentences.
On dialogue, when you come to the end of a phrase which would ordinarily end in a period and you are going to put something like "he said," end it with a period. Then the phrase like "he said" or "said he" would begin with a lowercase letter.
Also, when you switch the focus onto someone else, it's a good idea to switch paragraphs. Otherwise, it looks a little cluttered.
For example, this:
"No one attacks any Kids Next Door member." She said, Nigel smiled, maybe she wasn't so bad after all. "..No matter how stupid and pathetic they are." She added only to receive a death glare from Nigel.
Would be edited like this:
"No one attacks any Kids Next Door member," she said.
Nigel smiled. Maybe she wasn't so bad after all.
"..No matter how stupid and pathetic they are," she added only to receive a death glare from Nigel.
Characterization: 6
Believe it or not, I'm giving you a little leeway considering that this is the first chapter. Numbuhs 2, 3, 4, and 5's easy acceptance that Numbuh 86 could do what they couldn't left me a little uneasy. It didn't seem like them.
Also, the ease of the defeats of both the Kids Next Door and then the Delightful Children left me with the feeling that you rushed. It didn't seem like either side would have been beaten like that unless they had been taken completely offguard. The Delightful Children probably would have seen Numbuh 1 contacting someone and tried to stop him, or the Kids Next Door would have at least tried to dodge. (See what I meant when I said that I was the Evil Editor earlier?)
But you hit Numbuhs 1 and 86 right on the dot. You could light a match with the amount of friction between the two.
Genre: 9
Assuming that this is romance, I withhold full judgement on how well it fits the genre until I read more of it. Obviously, no romance in this chapter. However, this chapter sets up for a possible bumpy ride for Numbuh 1 and Numbuh 86, which is guaranteed to be fun for the reader.
Overall Score: 69/100
It was a pretty good story, Numbuh 17, but it's your bad luck that I'm a total grammar nerd.
Sorry.I hope that I helped. I am looking forward to the next chapter. The concept intrigues me.
~Cybra
Anyways, it's probably too late to make the break-up longer or give more reasons, so I'll just say make your chapters longer and more than one scene. I hope I wasn't too harsh.