The Seal *New Story!!!*

[numbuheightbitstar]

Hey guys. Believe it or not, I actually found the inspiration to do a new fanfic. It's called "The Seal" and it's a lighthearted comedy. I decided to post a preview chapter to see what ya'll think so far.

www.angelfire.com/comics/nes_star/KND/TheSealPreview.html

Please leave comments.... LOTS of comments... ^__^

[parron]

Well, then, here's my comments:


I didn't, quite frankly, enjoy this story. Maybe it's because I haven't read any of your earlier ones, but I was bored stiff with hearing about two Origional Characters (and the seal) for such a long period of time, especially with the seemingly OOC Numbahs Four, Three, and Five.

Furthermore, I failed to find any humor in the story at all, although I do admit to loosing complete interest half-way through and clicking the back button. That has not much to do with anything, I suppose, but perhaps you miss-labled the genre...?

I would note, however, that your assurances in the author's notes in the begining of the story are false... It seems very much that you would have to read your earlier stories to understand this one, because -- while I was able to fill in a few blanks, sine I know of your preferences for KND -- otherwise the story is quite boring, and I kept thinking how Mary-Sueish the OCs seemed.

I'm afraid I don't have time to go into more details, I have a hair appointment. Please don't take this review personally, as I'm just trying to be as truthful as I can.

[numbuheightbitstar]

parron said:

Well, then, here's my comments:

They're appreciated, but I wanted to get elaborate on some points.

for such a long period of time, especially with the seemingly OOC Numbahs Four, Three, and Five.

Can I have some details please? That way I can either explain the inconsistencies, or try to get them back on track in future chapters.

[wayc cant login]

Personally, I enjoyed it very much. Once more you used your sensationalistic ability to have two things going on at once, then merging them into one enjoyable story direction.

I'm not someone who usually enjoys original characters either, and I really disliked Joey whether or not she was one or not, but Frog and Bob I really thought were cool.

It's cute how Bob made friends with Frog, and called him the only human that ever liked him for him. I thought that the whole plot sequence and character introduction was setup nicely, and I can't wait to see your subsequent advancements to this story.

Keep up the good work! ;D

[numbuheightbitstar]

Thanks, both of you. I'm already working on a second chapter (though perhaps I should wait until Parron replies or I get more comments, but with this post getting buried like this...)

[NumbuhInfinity]

It was okay. But I don't think it was too humorous either. Though I did chuckle a bit when you-know-who insulted and complimented the other character at the same time. Maybe it's 'cause it's just the first chapter.

But I have to agree with Parron that it looks like some things would be understood better if certain other previous stories were read; the readers would have questions in their heads going "Wait, what are they talking about?" or "How/when did that happen?" I can't say exactly what without spoiling but you probably know what I'm talking about.

I just hope you spend time with the operatives, too, if it's only going to be about those three OC's, I don't think I can enjoy it as much. So don't forget the core characters, m'kay?


P.S. This feels more like a first chapter rather than a "preview," because often previews are much shorter...

[numbuheightbitstar]

NumbuhInfinity said:

I just hope you spend time with the operatives, too, if it's only going to be about those three OC's, I don't think I can enjoy it as much. So don't forget the core characters, m'kay?

Oh, you don't have to worry about that... Joey was only in the story for one reason, and that function's already been fulfilled.

As for the other two... upon thinking about it, I do believe they may have had a little too much screen time, particularly considering that one of Frog's strengths the first time I tried to have him in a KND story was specifically that he was NOT a camera hog.

It's probably lucky that I put this preview in "Fanfiction Drafts", because already I'm thinking I'll have to scrap and re-write most of it.... but then again, I may be able to just plain salvage the story in later chapters.

P.S. This feels more like a first chapter rather than a "preview," because often previews are much shorter...

Well, to be truthful, this IS the first chapter of the story...

[secretsquirrel]

Remember I said to ya I'd read this thread and then couldn't find it again once it was buried? Well, when I closed my e-mail window after mailing you, it was displayed right in front of me. Which means it must be magical destiny for me to comment (some more). LOL

Personally I think the amount of exposure Frog got was probably appropriate in order to give readers unfamiliar with him a proper sense of who he was. Though some might also argue that he should be more slowly expositioned over subsequent chapters. It's a toughie. Maybe the secret is to create just enough intrique in him to pique the reader's interest while having enough going on in the storyline involving the main KND membuhs to make the reader want to press on whether they warm to him or not.

I missed the supposed contradictions, but you usually manage to iron such things out before the final draft if they do appear.

[numbuheightbitstar]

Okay, I know it's kind of lame that I've responded to every review in this thread, but one more point to cover:

This is Frog's introduction story, you're not SUPPOSED to be familiar with him.

[secretsquirrel]

Okay then, but somewhere in the story you'll need to come up with an explanation for why Kuki's later encounter with Frog in Best-Worse Scenario 2 is portrayed as though it is their first meeting (certainly Kuki seems to have no recollection of Frog). Amnesia? Alternate universe?

[numbuheightbitstar]

SecretSquirrel said:

Okay then, but somewhere in the story you'll need to come up with an explanation for why Kuki's later encounter with Frog in Best-Worse Scenario 2 is portrayed as though it is their first meeting (certainly Kuki seems to have no recollection of Frog). Amnesia? Alternate universe?

Try this: Look through the "Secret Files" section of my website, and tell me if you see a "Best-Worst Scenario *2*" listed there.

You won't. Because I decided that BWS2 sucked too much to be allowed to stay up in any form... unless, of course, someone decides to do a MiSTing of it (if anyone wants to give it a whack, I'll hand over a copy of the story).

This, effectively translates into "BWS2 Never Happened."

Kinda unfortunate too, because I think I portrayed Frog better in that story than he's coming off here, even though in BWS2 he was infinitely more Mary Sue-ish.

[secretsquirrel]

Yeah, I remember you took it down. I didn't know you were disavowing it completely though. I personally thought it was a superb piece of writing, up there with your very best work, though I can understand I guess if you removed it because you didn't like the events in the storyline rather than on the basis of technical literary merit (of which it had a huuuuge amount).

[numbuheightbitstar]

SecretSquirrel said:

Yeah, I remember you took it down. I didn't know you were disavowing it completely though.

You kinda-sorta have to when you make a fanfic unavailable to the general public. I mean it would be lame to make a fanfic not available, and then turn around and say it's required reading, ya know?

I personally thought it was a superb piece of writing, up there with your very best work, though I can understand I guess if you removed it because you didn't like the events in the storyline rather than on the basis of technical literary merit (of which it had a huuuuge amount).

I could argue Best-Worst Two's technical literary merit. At least half the reason I took it down was because of that. The other half being, yea, the events in the storyline. Needless to say, I'm still wondering what demon possessed me and made me write that fanfic.

And I'd still like to see it MiSTed (anyone wanna call dibs? Anyone?)

EDIT: In other news, right now The Seal is on hiatus because I'm working on trying to convert all my previous fanfics into HTML, which is both smaller and easier to read than those .DOC files I've got up right now (and also more universal). Hopefully the glance-backs at my previous KND Fanfiction will help inspire me to do something good.

Also, I'm going to completely revise the first chapter of The Seal later. Some parts will remain similar to how they are now, but the entire first chapter (if I ever get around to it) will be re-written from scratch. More focus on the KND, in fact Bob and Frog won't even appear until the tail end of the first chapter. Hopefully they'll seem less Mary Sue-ish (to be honest though, I fail to see how they're Mary Sue-ish as is, but perhaps I'm not as critical as Parron).

... You know, I can't help but notice that while I'm typing this, I sound like a newbie fanfic writer even though I've been writing for about a year now. I guess my fanfic skills really HAVE gone down the drain...