Lonely

[chixiedixie]

It's the first complete fic I've ever made.......

have you ever read it?
and do you like it???

here's the link

www.fanfiction.net/s/2472493/1/

So do you like it?

[Numbuh 1024]

I don't know why but that sounded a little too stereotypical angsty 3/4 fic. And something tells me 4 might be a little too OOC.

[NumbuhInfinity]

numbuh1024 said:

I don't know why but that sounded a little too stereotypical angsty 3/4 fic. And something tells me 4 might be a little too OOC.

It's not just you. Read Sailor Venus's review. Ouch.

[chixiedixie]

I'm not happy with sailro venus' review,
espicaily when i saw her/ his/ it profile
that she/ he/ it diddn't make any stories OR
pu any favorite authors, stories, and she/ he/ it diddn't join any C2 communities

EDIT: just wondering did anyone read zigguratank's reveiw?

[k34]

That was sort of uhh, a different kind of 3/4 fanfic.

[chixiedixie]

yep,
i know!
A lot tragic but it was meant to be a one-shot, songifc
but it was the first story I ever completed so I'm happy with it ;D

[k34]

Maybe for your next story no one does not commit suicide.

[chixiedixie]

k34 said:

Maybe for your next story no one does not commit suicide.

Okay,
Kind of rude

anywayz
but I'm working on Future Changes
Which I'm trying to make longer
and it has 5 chapters- so far

[k34]

I just cant believe that Numbah 4 would kill himself over that.

[tako]

Well, I guess I'll use the Fanfic Review Service style of reviewing for this.

Plot: 3
The plot was kind of weak. The story relies a bit too much on the song that it's written around. The climax of the story (where Numbuh 4 sees other guys hitting on Numbuh 3) is kind of glossed over and not emphasized.


Spelling/Grammar: 3
Numerous spelling/grammar mistakes:

Wally had the ice cold knife in his hand, “Do I really want to do this?”

"Had" should probably be "held" and it'd be better to have a period after "hand."

He had token Kuki to the fair, not the rainbow monkey fair, Just a normal fair. With the first moment was when he and Kuki were on the carousel and they sitting next to you and Wally was having a pretend race trying to catch up to Kuki.

These two sentences are difficult to understand. "Token" should be "taken", "just" should not be capitalized, the "with" beginning the second sentence should be omitted, the phrase "and they sitting next to you" is very confusing and is unnnecessary.

The next was when the night time sky had appeared, in its black deep less wonders, Kuki and Wally were sitting next to each in the Ferris Wheel watching the up lighting fireworks fill the sky and Kuki leaning on his shoulder.

"Black deep less wonders"? I'm confused what you're trying to say here. A new sentence should begin with "Kuki and Wally were..." There should be an "other" after "each". The words "up lighting" later in the sentence should be omitted. "Kuki leaning on his shoulder" should probably be made a separate sentence and be changed to "Kuki leaned on his shoulder" unless Wally and Kuki were watching Kuki lean on Wally's shoulder.

Back to reality Wally had tears strolling down his cheek, feeling as if his world was leaning on his shoulders and one slip could quickly make his life fall into the abyss of broken hearts.

"Back to reality" should be "Back in reality,". "Strolling" should probably be "rolling". The simile in the second half of the sentence is convoluted and doesn't make much sense.

Wally reKND Faned him winging the biggest rainbow monkey in those hammer games at the fairs and he gave the biggest orange rainbow monkey to Kuki. Than when entering the house of mirrors and joking while entering in there, than suddenly loosing her.

"Winging" should be "winning". The two "than"s in the second sentence should be "then"s. Also, it would probably be better to omit the second "entering" in that sentence. "Loosing" should be "losing".

In the end he found her in a crowd of buys being worshiped (flirted upoun) and being kissed, and Kuki seemed to being enjoying it all.

Comma after "end", "buys" should be "boys", "upoun" should be "upon", the last "being" should be "be".

Suddenly coming back to reality, There is a sudden big slash and a Wally on the floor on his back surrounded by a puddle of blood with a knife sticking out of his chest where his heart is.

You suddenly switched to present tense here. You need a comma after "suddenly", "there" should not be capitalized, and you have no independent clause. You should probably replace "a Wally" with "Wally lay" and then add a comma after "back".


Characterization: 4
Numbuh 3 seemed to be in character. Numbuh 4 was not. You never explained why he was so happy to be with her at a fair or why he seemed to have no problem with rainbow monkeys, when KND episodes have shown otherwise (like HUGS & OFFICE). Wally has also never shown anything resembling suicidal tendencies (unless you consider his calling rainbow monkeys stupid in front of Numbuh 3 as suicidal).


Genre: 10
Very angsty/tragic. It was quite a bit on the melodramatic side, though.


Technique: 3
As I said before, you relied too much on the song. The entire fanfic (with the song cut out) was only ten sentences. More detailed description and your own writing would have made the story much better. See, the fic was basically like this:

*song talks about carousels*

Wally and Kuki rode on a carousel.

*song talks about ferris wheels*

Wally and Kuki rode on a ferris wheel.

etc., etc.


Summary: 23/50 = 46%

I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but I agree with Sailor Venus on a few points, mainly your characterization of Numbuh 4. He was way over-the-top melodramatic and angsting for no reason. People don't kill themselves because the girl they like enjoys the attention of other boys. That's just silly. Also, there are a lot of things that need to be explained, like the changes in Numbuh 4's attitude toward fairs, rainbow monkeys, and lovey-dovey stuff, and why Numbuh 4 is so darn depressed in the first place when he's part of a great team that would risk their lives to save him.

[Shwoo]

Sailor Venus is right, but they're being a bit harsh. Also, songfics are banned from fanfiction.net


Wally had the ice cold knife in his hand, “Do I really want to do this?” Wallabee Beatles closed his eyes and looked back to the past 24 hours of his life.

Dialouge needs a new line. It's spelled Beetles, not Beatles. Kind of an abrupt beginning.

He had token Kuki to the fair, not the rainbow monkey fair, Just a normal fair. With the first moment was when he and Kuki were on the carousel and they sitting next to you and Wally was having a pretend race trying to catch up to Kuki.

The first sentence is okay, except for a few speling and capitaisation errors, but the sentence after makes no sense whatsoever. The only thing I got was the carousel.

The next was when the night time sky had appeared, in its black deep less wonders, Kuki and Wally were sitting next to each in the Ferris Wheel watching the up lighting fireworks fill the sky and Kuki leaning on his shoulder.

This sounds like Kuki is male and leaning on her own shoulder. The next what? The grammar is still a bit off.

Back to reality Wally had tears strolling down his cheek, feeling as if his world was leaning on his shoulders and one slip could quickly make his life fall into the abyss of broken hearts.

...No. Just no. Wally would never be this flowery, and Numbuh Three is his crush, not his entire life.

Wally remembered him winging the biggest rainbow monkey in those hammer games at the fairs and he gave the biggest orange rainbow monkey to Kuki. Than when entering the house of mirrors and joking while entering in there, than suddenly loosing her.

Numbuh three wouldn't run off to flirt with people. She mihgt get distracted, but she wouldn't leave without telling her friend, specifically to flirt.

In the end he found her in a crowd of buys being worshiped (flirted upoun) and being kissed, and Kuki seemed to being enjoying it all.

I think she'd be a little freaked out by being kissed by total strangers. Unless she thought it was a game, like in BEACH.

Suddenly coming back to reality, There is a sudden big slash and a Wally on the floor on his back surrounded by a puddle of blood with a knife sticking out of his chest where his heart is.

This should be in the past tense. Numbuh Four would never comit suicide because someone else was flirting with his crush. Otherwise he'd've been dead a long time ago. Besides, he'd be more likely to kill the guys he found Numbuh Three with.

EDIT: Yeah, what Tako said... That's a coincidence.

[Numbuh 1024]

I also noticed some spelling mistakes. Some?
Suggestion - Be a little more careful with the grammar and spelling (it's TAKEN and not TOKEN, or at least so I thought) and try and ask yourself. "Would he/she really do that?". And listen to flames. Some may be totally i--otic with no backing proof but some may be right.