Dawn of War Rough Draft(s)

[numbahlt]

Yes, I know there's already a DoW thread, but this one's for the actual rough draft(s). Here's the RD of Ch. 1. This is a crucial draft, because I want you guys to tell me if I should put it in script format or in normal story format.

Dawn of War

Lord Turbine

Chapter One: A Normal Day

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Chapter One, Part One:

Numbah 1's POV:

It was so quiet that day. My entire team was bored to death from waiting for a mission. I sat on the couch in dispair, trying to keep my team under control. Numbah 4 was ready to beat me up.

"Whoi the heck can't we go to the beach or som'n, Numbah 1?" He asked me.

Numbah 5 stood beside him and said, "Numbah 4's right. It's our last year as a team, and Numbah 5's not gonna waste it waiting for a mission that's never gonna come!"

Numbahs 2 and 3 nodded. They were sitting on the couch with Numbah 6.

"Bradley's bored too, Numbah 1!" Numbah 3 yelled.

"Guys, just relax!" I said, "Let's watch some TV or something, huh?"

There we were. Sitting there together as I turned on the TV. Just watching cartoons like we always do. Normal, 12 year old kids, sitting down hanging out. Discussing how stupid our parents were and how school was evil. Talking about comic books and cracking jokes and laughing at the television.

Who knew our lives would be dramatically changed very shortly?

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Transmission Interrupted

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Transmission Recieved

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Chapter One, Part Two

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*................There we were. Sitting there together as I turned on the TV. Just watching cartoons like we always do. Normal, 12 year old kids, sitting down hanging out. Discussing how stupid our parents were and how school was evil. Talking about comic books and cracking jokes and laughing at the television.........................*

Numbah One's PoV.

The cartoon began to get boring... I casually grabbed the controller and was ready to change the channel... and then came 4:05 PM... the Moment of Change...

End Numbah One's PoV.

And the TV spoke... a Special Bulletin interrupted the cartoon... and the whole world over, kids and adults alike glanced at their TV screens... this Moment of Change glared throughout the world's major centers... in Times Square, cars stopped and people halted as the message was broadcast... it was broadcast through the internet and through the radio... and the message was thus said by The Evil Patriarch, The Anti-Christ, The Devil Himself... Father... and the message said thus:

"People of Earth. Do not fear me. I am here with your own rulers, you have no reason to fear..."

The message began blasting through the air... a universal Message of Death...

"I am Father... very few of you out there don't know who I am... I am the Leader of the Adults... I have been and always will be... and that's why I'm very proud to make this announcement that will bring joy to all Adultkind..."

The message was recieved by Kids Next Door operatives the world over, and they prepared for the worst...

"I am proud to declare..."

The message was blasted through radio waves out of sattelites.... it was heard throughout the universe... aliens were now learning what was to become the possible death of mankind...

"that the United Adult Offensive..."

The message was finally intercepted by the KND Moon Base... the leaders of the KND watched on in fear...

"has met with the United Nations..."

Numbah One had a grim expression on his face... he knew that the fears of all kid-dom had finally come true...

"and has made an agreement with the world's leaders."

The camera zoomed out, revealing every leader from every corner of the world... all adults. They clapped for their new emperor...

"The adults of the world..."

The seconds began ticking down...

"have..."

Numbah One felt a tear forming in his eye...

"declared..."

His judgement day, as well as all other kids', was coming nearer...

"WAR..."

Nigel's blood ran frozen solid now. His nightmares were becoming reality.

"on..."

His thoughts raced... all those years of hiding from the thought of a war did nothing...

"all of child kind."

This was the true Moment of Change. At this Moment, the world went silent. Kids began to weep. Wet their pants. Faint. The shock of this announcement hit the entire world harder than anything...

But it wasn't over... not by a long shot... the message continued on like this...

"We are seperating the world into two: anyone 18 and older is to immediately transfer to the Eastern Hemisphere. Anyone under 18 is to be taken and immediately transferred to the Western Hemisphere by the government of the newly formed United Territories of the Adults, which encorporates the entire Eastern Hemisphere and the Eastern Side of The Great Boundary, the giant border between the two sides of the world which will be lifted out of the water tomorrow. All parents can now be free of the burden that is their kids... we know you all wanted it. Thank you... the transfers will start tomorrow. Please begin packing and prepare for relocation.

Also, I have one thing to say to you children that are watching: say goodbye to your mommies and daddies, kids. This war has been a long time coming. And to the Kids Next Door, I say this: Prepare for the death of your organization, as well as the kids you protect.

Thank you for watching and/or listening this bulletin. All television networks are shutting down, as well as all radio stations, internet carriers, and electricity companies... all gas stations are closed, and this is an International Day Off, so anyone going to work or at work can go home... we don't want anything to distract you from packing for tomorrow's great relocation... good day to you all."

The message ended... as World War III began...

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That's it for chapter one... as soon as I get some light feedback, I'll be able to edit it and post it officially on FF.net and here for reviews.

Thanks!

--Lord Turbine

[boxieroxie]

Write in normal story format plz. Script format is hard to figure out what actually going on since its mainly dialog. I like details lots of details.

[forcedtowritethis]

WOW! That's awesome for a first draft. As to your concern over it being in script or story format, stick with story format (I heard that script formats on FF.net will be deleted). Anyway, as for your story, there's only one very teeny tiny detail I'd change:

The message was recieved by Kids Next Door operatives the world over, and they prepared for the worst...

"I am proud to declare..."

The message was blasted through radio waves out of sattelites.... it was heard throughout the universe... aliens were now learning what was to become the possible death of mankind...

"that the United Adult Offensive..."

The message was finally intercepted by the KND Moon Base... the leaders of the KND watched on in fear...

"has met with the United Nations..."

Numbah One had a grim expression on his face... he knew that the fears of all kid-dom had finally come true...

"and has made an agreement with the world's leaders."

The camera zoomed out, revealing every leader from every corner of the world... all adults. They clapped for their new emperor...

"The adults of the world..."

The seconds began ticking down...

"have..."

Numbah One felt a tear forming in his eye...

"declared..."

His judgement day, as well as all other kids', was coming nearer...

"WAR..."

Nigel's blood ran frozen solid now. His nightmares were becoming reality.

"on..."

His thoughts raced... all those years of hiding from the thought of a war did nothing...

"all of child kind."

That's a finely written climactic scene, but if you want to capture the spontaneity and suspense of the moment, I'd omit those one-word quotations like "WAR..." (interception here) "on..." (interception) "all of child kind..."

Perhaps just keep the interceptions at one or two minimum and let the announcer finish the rest of the message. In action/suspense scenes, it usually works best when the "wordy phrases" are omitted or kept at bay. Other then that, PURE PERFECTION, my friend! ;D

[numbuheightbitstar]

The only problem I had with that was the POV-switching. Usually it is a good idea to stick to one POV throughout the entire story. But other than that, this is looking good.

[tako]

Here's my criticism:

1. The narration style - if you need to announce a POV change, then evidently the transition wasn't clear enough. A lot of fanfic writers use POV changes way too often, always accompanied by a "____'s POV" notice so you don't get confused. However, the use of that note is kind of unprofessional, so I would suggest that you edit the first part so that it's in the 3rd person narration mode. If you're worried about wanting to express Numbuh 1's personal thoughts, you can actually do that in 3rd person narration, and you actually did, later in the story: "His thoughts raced... all those years of hiding from the thought of a war did nothing."

Or you can take out the notices and instead make it clear from the narration style that it's Numbuh 1 telling the story. But you'd have to make the change to the 3rd person narrator clear too.


2. Seperation -> separation

3. Encorporated -> incorporated

4. Recieved -> received

5. "Moment of Change" doesn't sound as dramatic as I thought it would be. I don't think "change" has a very negative connotation to it. Maybe something like "the Moment of Despair" or "the moment everything changed" or "the beginning of it all" or "the Really Really Bad Thing that Happened II" or something.

6. I think that the story would work better as one part. The big quote at the beginning of the second part isn't necessary because people reading your story just read that a few seconds ago. It's good for achieving the effect of peaceful times coming right before a disaster, but I think that the same effect could be achieved instead by making part one an introduction and then making part two the story, so it would look like this:

[part one]

[story title]

[chapter title]

[part two]

The quote at the beginning of part two could be instead something that says some of the same ideas but in a different way.

If you split the story in two because you wanted it to be more like a KND episode, then ignore all of what I said above, but I would suggest that you expand the first part so that it's longer.


Other than that, it's a really good start. I'm already hooked.

[numbahlt]

Hey, thanks! ;D Well, I am gonna use your advice to write the final draft... but first, here's some comments I have to say:

Radiohead: Yeah, I am gonna wind up changing where I'm putting the interceptions. Thanks though!

JamesEightBitStar: There's a BIG reason I can't keep one POV throughout the story, James... *hint hint*

Tako: You've done this advice thing before I see? Thanks.

[boxieroxie]

If you have to switch POVs maybe find a more decievious way to switch them where its clear and so it wouldn't disrupt your story like when the reader sees Numbuh 1 POV(very disruptive). I think its a extremely bad transition in any story.

[pockets]

Great storie finsh it up soon