"New World". Please read it and review it

[numbuh1337]

Actualy this story is a crossover from Anarchy Online and Kids Next Door. (You know i am AO addict ;D)
I already wrote five chapters (episodes).


Please read and review it.


www.fanfiction.net/s/2391079/1/

[numbuh1337]

Hey guys i upadted the story. I made the third chapter and posted it on fanfiction. Ill post a brief synopsys for you what will be on it. PLS ADD A COMMENT PLS PLS.


Ok in the new chapter 4 tells the others what he saw at Chapter 2 and everyone knows who sabbotaged their plan. Eventualy a Leet by the name of Ray saves their lives since they get attacked by three gunships and leaving their ship into thousands of pieces. They found an temporal hiding place where they hide with Ray and eventualy listens to the fight going outside for justice. Now they have to join the Clan and eventualy change their name.


i think the third chapter might get out soon on FF. Just check out the site. Ill notify you all when it comes out.

[boxieroxie]

I'll check it out tomorrow.

[numbuh1337]

5th chapter is made. Ok now this one freaked me out. This is the summary for it.

4 is still wounded and carried back to a Clan outpost. Then they learn a very shocking news about Wally. Eventualy Wally has a after shock of the wound that he got on his leg and he might not survive this night. The chances of him to survive are 45% to 55%. However for good news his chances of surviving were increasing but there comes other problems. Eventualy the real appearence of Ray was discovered as being a fellow KND Agent.

Wait for the story to come out on Fanfiction. Oh and also alot of 3/4ness on this one.

And guys PLEASE COMMENT. No one comments on this story. I only receaved 3 reviews. Cmon guys i am trying my best to make this story best and no one shows any respect.

[boxieroxie]

Looks good from first chapter except that its in script format and ff.net doesn't allow story that way. At least its a easy thing to fix.

[numbuh1337]

But if they didnt allowed they wuld have deleted it by now. ?

[Shwoo]

No, they don't check fics personally. Someone reports it and it gets deleted. I've heard the ff.net mods don't check the fics before deleting them to see if they really did break a rule.

[Shwoo]

Here's the review you asked for:

Plot: 7/10

The plot's not bad. The start was a bit weak though. So there's a dimensional portal, and Sector V was sent to investigate it? Why?
I don't know what to say about the plot after that. It made sense, anyway.

Spelling/Grammar: 6/10

Your spelling is very good, but your grammar could use a lot of work.

Characterization: 3/10

The characters are very bland. They act vaguely like their canon counterparts, but diluted by about a factor of twenty. Some of Sector V seem to exist as props whose only purpose is to further the plot. Also, Ray stops referring to himself in the third person after about a chapter. Wouldn't that give him away just a bit?
And how would Numbuh Four know what STFU means? He isn't really an internet freak.

Genre: 5/10

For being Action/Adventure, there's a lot more talking than action. Numbuh Four getting shot and later attacked, and the Leets attacking the villians the only bits of action that I can recall. I think it should be classed as Drama/Sci-Fi instead.

Technique: 4/10

Firstly, the Q and As at the end were not a good idea. I know you have things you want to explain at the end of each chapter, but couldn't you explain them in the story instead?
Nextly, the script format. Reguardless of the fact that script format isn't allowed at ff.net anymore, it doesn't really work when it's not accompanied by description. The main reason that Numbuh Four's dream was confusing was because there was no description.
Numbuh 156 was an interesting addition, but it would have been better if he was a canon character. Ending the chapter just before Numbuh One gives his numbuh implies that giving his numbuh would give something away. But it doesn't because we've never heard of him before. I also don't think operatives get decommissioned at eleven. And how did Numbuh One recognise him, and why he just say "Yea that's me"?

Overall: 50%

[numbuh1337]

Thnx for the review Clanker. Ill give you some answers to teh questions you asked/

Plot:
They wanted to learn more about the other part of the portal so that is why they were sent.

Spelling/Grammar:
Yea I SUCK at grammar but spelling is something i have mastered long time ago.

Characterization:
Well i havent really mastered the characterization good so that is why they are like that. However this is my first fan fic for 3 years. I did one for Allo Allo on my own site. People liked it but i decided to stop it. Untill then this year is the first time i started with fan fiction writing.
"Wouldn't that give him away just a bit?" This was another part that gave him away. Probably he wanted the others to learn about him so he slowly gives up himself.
"And how would Numbuh Four know what STFU means? " Probably he learend something in Leet before.

Genre:
Yea the first parts are more drama but later everything will turn into actions

Technique:
Well i decided not to add Q and A anymore. Ill try to explain more through the story in future chapters.

Also i have seen some other fan fics write in script format. Ill continiue posting the stories there but if they delete it ill continiue them on my own site and post the link there to it.

156 was 12 just before making 13. Maybe i have added a wrong part saying that he is 11 dunno. 1 recoginzes him because 156 (in this fic) worked alot with them before. He probably changed alittle (Instead of his voice) when he grew up and also he might have recognized him also by his altutide. 156 in KND was same but with more happy personality. In the new world after all the year he is turned cold and without any sense of humor while the others preserve theirs. And also for the "Yea thats me" part he said that more like "You found out now" or soemthing like that in this style.

Thanks for reviewing the story.

[numbuh1337]

Ok guys soon Chapter 6 will be up. I still havent change the chat/script format but please read the story even if it is like that. If they decide to "destroy" my story at FF.net i plan to make a web site with this story.

Ok this is what happens in Chapter 6:
Ok this one is more peacefull one. Wally recovers after he got shot but he starts to see things. He sees an apparition of a man who is telling him always to remember something and stuff. Later he learns more about these dreams and they still come to him. More happens to Wally in this one like he gets to expirience ressurection and the same guy tried to attack him. Yea this one has lots of 3/4ness. Ill try to post it later after i finish checking it.


EDIT If you want to read my story visit:
get-me.to/anarchynextdoor
I made this site as backup in case if FF decides to dump my story. You can read Chapter 6 at this site.

[Shwoo]

Please add more description in your writing. Please.

[numbuh1337]

Nah i decided not to continue this story since it got too confusing and i dont get any reviews on it so there is no reason to continue it. I might write a new story less confusing but ill see.

[Shwoo]

There's a reason it got few reviews and it was confusing. There was no description. It would have made more sense if you'd described things more.

Strange, I have the funniest sense of deja vu.

[numbuh1337]

mods can close this topic if they want. I started a new topic regarding my new Fan fic. Pls add comment what you think of its idea.

[NumbuhInfinity]

Closed by request of the topic creator.