cherrycutie1and5
2x4 Technologist
It'z hard to say that everything will be okay...
Posts: 580
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Post by cherrycutie1and5 on Jun 14, 2007 14:24:45 GMT
Hello! Hope this is a nice fanfiction, I think its nice, hope you think so too! -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------  Chapter 1: 2 Unforgetable Suprises Today’s Abigail’s Birthday! She was in the couch receiving presents, “What’s your get me, Numbuh 4” Abby said as she opened her present, she was surprised “Sheet covers for a car, this is a present for a car”,”Hey, when I’m driving you to the mall, I want you to feel comfy” Said Wally. “And for Christmas I going to get you black boots and see how you like it”. “Numbuh 5 my turn” said Numbuh 3 cheerfully and handed here a shopping bag, she took out the present and it was a brown bag filled with blue, white and orange jewels. It was beautiful! “Ow, Thank, Numbuh 3”she said as she gave the girl a hug. Numbuh 2 gave her a box it was plain but it didn’t take the joy out of seeing what’s inside, she opened it I was a box of inventions. “What am I ever going to do with these?” Numbuh 2 the spoke “Well, uhhhh…fight”, “Numbuh 2, you give this to me on my birthday day, oh well I just have to accept it”. Then Numbuh 1 gave her a bag, she was so surprised by what’s inside, a pink sweater with a cat’s head in the front and its tail from the back! Then Nigel spoke “ I picked this special for you, Abby” She couldn’t say no, she was looked at his sparkling black eyes and could never reject it, even though she hated it. After a while, Abby came down the stairs “I only gonna wear this sweater for an hour, then tonight it will mysteriously fall in the fire place”. Kuki was with her hearing her complain “What if it doesn’t burn” said Kuki, Abby then spoke “I’ll cut and eat it myself if I have to” Nigel then called her “Hey Abby, come outside I’ve got another surprise for you”. Abby then turned her face to Kuki “If it’s the matching pants you’re eating it with me”. She went outside and then “Surprise” the whole fourth grade called out. She couldn’t believe her eyes it was bad enough Sector V saw here in that sweater but the whole school it was a nightmare, at least she wished it was. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Okay Hope this is good enough to impress you --CheeryCutie1and5 |
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Post by numberunknown on Jun 15, 2007 7:15:05 GMT
Could I give you a few tips? Okay, so, you might want to re-space this. Try to make a new paragraph every time somebody else starts to talk. So instead of: "This is fun." Said Joe. "Yes." Said Mary.You might want to put... "This is fun." Said Joe.
"Yes." Said Mary.Because that helps the reader to better understand what you have written. --- Also, you seem to have an excessive use of comma's. There were about four times in that paragraph when a period would have been better than a comma, so you might want to watch that. --- Also, the use of quotations is extremely difficult to comprehend. I had no idea who was saying what there. --- Also, I am just wondering out of pure curiosity, do you proof-read these or do you just post them up on a whim? I have done both, and I am just wondering. No offence attended by that question. PLEASE don't take this as a flame to your story. I am only trying to be helpful, and I hope that I gave you some worthwhile advice. I can't wait to hear more stories from you! |
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cherrycutie1and5
2x4 Technologist
It'z hard to say that everything will be okay...
Posts: 580
|
Post by cherrycutie1and5 on Jun 15, 2007 7:43:04 GMT
Thanks, Abigail.And.Nigel.Forever I changed it ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Today’s Abigail’s Birthday! She was in the couch receiving presents, “What’s your get me, Numbuh 4” Abby said as she opened her present. She was surprised” Sheet covers for a car; this is a present for a car” ”Hey, when I’m driving you to the mall, I want you to feel comfy” Said Wally. “And for Christmas I going to get you black boots and see how you like it” Said Abby. “Numbuh 5 my turn” said Numbuh 3 cheerfully and handed here a shopping bag, she took out the present and it was a brown bag filled with blue, white and orange jewels. It was beautiful! “Ow, Thank, Numbuh 3”she said as she gave the girl a hug. Numbuh 2 gave her a box it was plain but it didn’t take the joy out of seeing what’s inside, she opened it I was a box of inventions. “What am I ever going to do with these?” Numbuh 2 the spoke “Well, uhhhh…fight” “Numbuh 2, you give this to me on my birthday day, oh well I just have to accept it”. Then Numbuh 1 gave her a bag, she was so surprised by what’s inside, a pink sweater with a cat’s head in the front and its tail from the back! Then Nigel spoke “I picked this special for you, Abby” She couldn’t say no, she was looked at his sparkling black eyes and could never reject it, even though she hated it. After a while, Abby came down the stairs “I’m only gonna wear this sweater for an hour, then tonight it will mysteriously fall in the fire place”. Kuki was with her hearing her complain “What if it doesn’t burn” said Kuki Abby then spoke “I’ll cut and eat it myself if I have to” Nigel then called her “Hey Abby, come outside I’ve got another surprise for you”. Abby then turned her face to Kuki “If it’s the matching pants you’re eating it with me”. She went outside and then …“Surprise” The whole fourth grade called out. She couldn’t believe her eyes it was bad enough Sector V saw here in that sweater but the whole school it was a nightmare, at least she wished it was. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thank Tou again, Abigail.And.Nigel.Forever |
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Post by faircod1965 on Jun 15, 2007 8:20:17 GMT
Great Abigail story, well written too, nice.
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cherrycutie1and5
2x4 Technologist
It'z hard to say that everything will be okay...
Posts: 580
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Post by cherrycutie1and5 on Jun 15, 2007 9:26:41 GMT
Thanks faircod1965
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Chapter 2: A Cake Problem
Okay, now were going to say what Numbuhs 2 and 4 are doing at that time.
At the kitchen in Numbuh 1’s house:
“I can’t wait to see Numbuh 1’s face to see how perfect the cake looks like” Nunbuh 4 said to Numbuh 2.
He carried the cake, without looking at who’s at the door; He splattered the whole cake on Numbuh 1!
“Numbuh 4, you don’t want to see the face I giving you”
Numbuh 1 went upstairs to clean himself and Numbuh 2 went to check on Numbuh 5. When Numbuh 2 came back with, he couldn’t believe his eyes, Numbuh 4 was baking the cake.
“Ok, Now I’m going to add three eggs” said Numbuh 4 as he took three eggs and mixing them without breaking them.
“You’re supposed to break the eggs, fool” Said Numbuh 2.
“Oh, that make a lot more sense” and Numbuh 4 broke the eggs and put them in the bowl without removing the shells.
“That’s it let’s go buy the cake, because you clearly never baked before and give me that,” Numbuh 2 said as he took the whisk “You’re not fit to hold the whisk”.
Then they bought a new cake, Numbuh 2 thought it was definitely easier that letting Numbuh 4 bake the cake or maybe even buying ice cubes would be easier that letting Numbuh 4 make them.
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Ok, I think it's kinda funny
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Post by crayfishy on Jun 15, 2007 20:32:51 GMT
Nice  |
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Post by faircod1965 on Jun 15, 2007 22:58:48 GMT
Brilliant second chapter, that cake looks and sounds delicious.
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cherrycutie1and5
2x4 Technologist
It'z hard to say that everything will be okay...
Posts: 580
|
Post by cherrycutie1and5 on Jun 16, 2007 7:14:10 GMT
The Next Chapter
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Chapter 3: A Picture in the Yearbook
Outside Numbuh 1’s house:
There was Valerie, She wanted to take Abby’s picture and put it in the yearbook and she’s the yearbook editor.
Abby and Kuki were together chatting.
“What am I gonna do if Valerie takes my picture it I’ll be in the yearbook forever” Said Abby.
“I don’t know just take it off” replied Kuki.
“And tell Numbuh 1 what” asked Abby.
“I don’t know…..that you’re allergic to cats” answered Kuki.
“I think that’s a bad idea” said Abby.
Numbuh 2 then came and gave Abby a huge Balloon to cover her sweater.
“Numbuh 2, you’re a life saver” said Numbuh 5
“Now I can never take her picture,” said Valerie and the she took a pin and popped the balloon “Now I can”
Numbuh 1 came he was looking at Abby, sitting on his chair, Abby couldn’t tell Valerie that she hated that sweater in front of Numbuh 1 and she couldn’t let Valerie take her picture 2 difficult choices, Which one to choose…
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Post by crayfishy on Jun 16, 2007 7:29:16 GMT
I can't wait for the next chapter |
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cherrycutie1and5
2x4 Technologist
It'z hard to say that everything will be okay...
Posts: 580
|
Post by cherrycutie1and5 on Jun 16, 2007 8:46:58 GMT
I'm going to post the next chapter today as soon as I'm done with it.
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Post by faircod1965 on Jun 16, 2007 21:00:47 GMT
I just read the third chapter and I noticed that Valerie, who's also the ware-poodle, was the editor of the school yearbook.
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Post by GoldenFlither on Jun 29, 2007 2:11:40 GMT
I love birthdays. ^^ Especially KND ones. I love wearing those Safety Patrol cones on my head as a party hat. *laughs* Great stuff, cherrycutie1and5. Do you have an FF.net account? I'd love to read more of your stories.
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cherrycutie1and5
2x4 Technologist
It'z hard to say that everything will be okay...
Posts: 580
|
Post by cherrycutie1and5 on Jul 2, 2007 15:38:00 GMT
@faircod1965: Valerie isn't the yearbook editor I made it up. GoldenFlither: I just have 3 stories in my account, and my account is NigelUnoNumbuh1. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 4- A choice made "You know what take my picture, you know why, because this sweater was given to me by my best friend and it's more important to me than the coolest outfit in the world" Abby said. Of course, Valerie took her picture but Numbuhs 2 and 4 showed up and splased the cake on Valerie, Abby takes a picture of Valerie, and traded to seal the deal. Thn she went up to Numbuh 1 "you know I hate the sweater right" Abby said "Yeah...but why didn't you tell me earler" Nigel said "I just didn't know how to tell you" Abby said "You can tell me anything you're my best friend" Nigel said. "I'm sorry" Abby said "It's ok" Nigel said They hugged and after that day they were always truthful to each other, always trust you friends. |
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Post by GoldenFlither on Jul 5, 2007 2:21:09 GMT
GoldenFlither: I just have 3 stories in my account, and my account is NigelUnoNumbuh1. Oh shoot, that's you? I had no idea. I posted a review for each of them already. They were great. I enjoyed them a lot. ^^ |
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cherrycutie1and5
2x4 Technologist
It'z hard to say that everything will be okay...
Posts: 580
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Post by cherrycutie1and5 on Jul 5, 2007 12:26:51 GMT
Thanks. I read your comments you're so sweet.
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