Salem's Not

[numbuheightbitstar]

Chapter One: Pet Similarity

The road ahead was a wide, open expanse of desert without even so much as a cactus in sight. Nigel sighed, one hand on the wheel and the other held out the window, soon realized this was one of those weird cool deserts that simply doesn't have water. So he told Kuki "Keep the window down, honey."

"Right," said the sleepy girl. Kuki then looked in the backseat of the vehicle, and smiled at the thought of all the kids she and Nigel had birthed together. There was little Hoagie (he was undoubtebly Nigel's), little Wally (hers), and little Abby (also hers, though Kuki couldn't quite understand how Abby had ended up with that skin color). All three children had turned ten last year, just like their mommy! The thought of having so much in common with her kids made Kuki smile.

This move would be a better life for all of them. Their previous home in Philadelphia had been a hectic one--some great violence always happening--but here in the small town of Salem's Not, home of her husband's ancestors, Kuki felt secure. Nothing bad could ever happen here, right?

Suddenly something ran out in front of them. They didn't get a clear look at what it was--its face vaguely resembled that smiley thing from Ghost in the Shell: Stand-Alone Complex--but it caused Nigel to swerve off the road and, in doing so, cut down the first cactus they had seen in twelve miles.

Their car was undamaged.

Nigel got out as Kuki tried to comfort the kids. Neither saw any sign of the smiley-faced man, and Nigel wondered if he hadn't just imagined the whole thing. He got back in the car, and turned the key.

"That's funny," he mused. "It won't start. It won't even rev up!"

"Oh well!" Kuki said.

"Oh well? How can you be so calm about it, honey-bumpkins?"

"Look!"

Nigel looked. Right there, was a sign reading "Welcome to Salem's Not! Population: 129 (not counting you)."

Nigel immediately whipped out his notebook and began writing.

"Whatcha doing?" Kuki asked.

"Keeping notes for my next horror novel. That sign gave me an inspiration just now. I mean, how could the painters possibly know ahead of time that we're coming so that they could specifically state that they're not counting us, unless they are, in fact, psychic mutants?"

"Maybe it was just a lucky guess?"

"Ahh, but that would be too realistic!" Nigel said as he closed his notebook and put it away. "Besides, nothing is impossible in the real world! Come on, I'll carry two of the kids, you grab Hoagie."

***

Very soon the happy family were walking into the eerily deserted-looking town full of drawn shades and empty windows (except for the occassional suspicious old woman whom could be seen looking out).

It wasn't long before Nigel's sharp eyes spotted the door of an Even-More-Econo Lodge, and he led his family up to it and rang the doorbell.

He was surprised when a smaller version of his wife, but with ponytails, opened the door.

"Hello?" The little girl said.

"Ummm... who runs this joint?"

"I do!" The child answered, then her eyes fell on Kuki. "Big sister!" Mushi exclaimed happily. "Then you must be... come on in, quickly!"

Soon everyone was inside, and Mushi was helping to carry the kids to a room ("You can worry about payment in the morning") and then was quick to catch up with her family.

"Awww your kids are soooo cute! I want to have ones just like them when I get married!" Mushi began, then said "Sis, I didn't know you were moving to Salem's Not!"

"Well, it was sort of a last-minute thing," Kuki answered. "I didn't like the violence of the city, and Nigel's had writer's block recently. He thinks if he writes about a certain house he'll have ideas."

"Ohhhhh!" Mushi said conspiratorally, "He must mean the House on Noisy Hill!"

"That's the one," Nigel said. "Place used to give me nightmares when I was a kid."

"Noisy Hill?" Kuki asked.

"Yeah. Strange sounds used to come from there every night. You know, tamberines and things."

"That's not so strange."

"It is when there isn't a high-school band for ten miles."

"Oh, yeah. That makes it pretty strange, then."

"Really," Mushi said, "There's a lot of houses you could write about. You'll hear about them all soon, I'm sure." Mushi took one last adoring look at the kids. "They all look just like you. Isn't that cute?"

Nigel and Kuki both smiled. They really loved their kids.

Unbeknownst to them, the smily-faced man lurked outside.

To be continued!

[thesuki]

YAY! More parodies! I love your parodies. Haven't seen Salem's Lot, so probably won't get a lot of the jokes, but still looking forward to more. ^^

[faircod1965]

This story is fantastic, I wonder what the next chapter has in store.

[numbuheightbitstar]

Actually Sooks, it won't matter if you've seen the movie/read the book or not.

Chapter Two: Mojo

Now, Nigel and Kuki's kids weren't the only ones in Salem's Not. Just down the street from the Even-More-Econo Lodge was a happy family of a cop, his wife, and their two kids. The cop's name was Chad. He and his wife, Cree, were both fifteen, happily married, and greatly loved their two biological offspring--consisting of their daughter, Cheryl (age nine), and their son, Ben "Wigglestein" (nicknamed for how animated he was known to be. Age thirty).

They had a dog named Mojo. At night they let Mojo run loose, to chase off the rabbits--living in a desert, there wasn't enough vegetables to go around as it was. They certainly didn't need no rabbits eating up what was left!

This night, Mojo was chasing a grey-and-white little hare whom the kids had playfully nicknamed "Bugs Bunny" both due to his color and because he was a particularly persistent little pest.

Mojo wound up chasing "Bugs" just out of town, and cornering the thing in a hollow log. Dogs don't normally think, but if Mojo could he would wonder just where that log came from, as there weren't really a lot of trees out in Salem's Not and this log certainly wasn't near any of 'em. Maybe a truck had dropped it or something while passing through.

Mojo ran headfirst into the log--and became stuck.

In primitive dog-thought, Mojo thought Well, this certainly sucks.

Then, suddenly, Mojo heard a sound. It was a terrible sound, quiet at first, barely audible even with a dog's heightened sense of hearing. But it gradually became louder, more crisp and defined. Mojo was able to make out orchestral music, and a rythmic beat.

Then Mojo heard the singing, and understood true terror for the first time. In some instinctual way, he understood these words to be demonic spawn which should have been burned along with the textbooks of the occult religions which no doubt brought it into being.

The song went like this:

Mr. Trouble never hangs around
when he hears this mighty sound!
"Here I come to save the day!"

Mojo was now desperately trying to back out of this log.

That means that Mighty Mouse is on his way!
Yessir when there is a right to wrong
Mighty Mouse will join the fight
on the air or sea or land

Terror filled the poor dog's mind as occult images, perhaps related to the song's lyrics, went through his meagre brain. Even a dog can understand the idea of things best left untouched, but it was so tight in there... as if the log was holding him.

So though we are in danger
we never despair
Because we know that where there's danger
He is there!
He is there!

With one final tug for freedom Mojo was finally free of that log, and Mojo didn't even bother to put his tail between his legs before running home.

The next morning, Cheryl noticed Mojo laying on the porch. When she went outside to play with the dog, it struck her just how still and inattentive he was. Most dogs look around at the first sound, and are all over their owners like little love-starved children. Mojo was like most dogs. Except on this day, where Mojo just lay there, like his mind was in another world.

"Mom," Cheryl said, "I think Mojo's traumatized."

"It's just the wind, hun." Cree answered.

Cheryl accepted that explanation, and went over to pet Mojo.

Then the terror began.

To be continued!

[numbuheightbitstar]

Chapter Two continued...

The following article originally appeared in the Salem's Not Chronicles

GIRL BITES DOG
Strange things are overcoming the youth of Salem's Not. Crazy hair fads, decoder rings, rock music, and a strange tendancy for the children to be the same age or older than their biological parents are only part of the vast sea of changes sweeping over today's youth culture. But just last evening something happened which was so shocking, even the other kids had to sit up and take notice of it.

At approximately nine twenty-four P.M. last night, Cheryl Worth, the nine-year-old daughter of Chad and Cree Worth, went outside to pet her Saint Bernard, Mojo. Instead of petting the reputedly lovable dog, Cheryl instead bit the creature.

Witnesses who saw the event report that as Cheryl went outside, the dog--who had been acting strange, as if traumatized--suddenly stood on its hind legs and began to sing the opening theme to For Your Eyes Only.

Dr. Ilyktu Stressum, a noted and popular child psychologist, speculates "She was too young for that kind of music and the biting may have been an instinctive self-defense reflex."

Jack Thompson, a lawyer from Florida, declares that "Obviously this girl was pushed to animal abuse after having played violent video games!" The fact that Cheryl's family is a bunch of techno-luddites and have never owned any video games did not deter the lawyer.

Kwami, representative of a group he calls "The Planeteers," claims that this incident is "an example of the damaging effects of deforestation and pollution on a child's psyche!"

Nigel Uno, some author whom we've never heard of who happened into town last night, comments "Do you know how late it was? If I had a dog and it started singing in the middle of the night, I'd want to bite it too! You guys are making too big a deal of this."

The dog has now been transferred to a veterinary clinic. Reports by authorities to have Cheryl taken in for a medical, psychological, and dental checkup have been frustrated, as the young girl disappeared shortly after the attack and is currently missing. She is believed to be rabid.

If you should see the young girl, call Nigel--he's the hero of this story.

To be continued!

[thesuki]

Sooks? I'm guessing that's a reference to all the people who refer to Kuki as "Kooks".

... I like it.

XD Mojo? I hope there's a Cujo twist in here.

[destinyinevitable]

...Having never seen Salem's Lot or read it....I find this utterly hilarious (...I don't like Stephen King's endings. Great author, for the most part, though). I love this! ^_^

[numbuheightbitstar]

Chapter Three: Fishery

The next next morning after Nigel had arrived, he awoke to hear a soft knocking at his door. He opened it and saw Mushi holding a package. "This was addressed to you," she explained. "It says its from a fan."

Nigel took the package, wondering how he was found so quickly. With curiosity, he began opening it.

He was amazed and amused at what it was: One of those Singing Bass which were such a popular novelty item in the late 1990s. Nigel put the batteries in, flicked a switch, then waved his hand. Sure enough, the think looked at him and began singing Achy Breaky Heart. With a smile he hung it on the wall, just where Kuki would be most surprised.

"I must remember to thank whoever sent this, when I find out their name." Nigel looked at the package and realized there was no return address. Oh well.

Then he went back to sleep.

Something strange happened then--much to the surprise of everyone present, the floor fell through, as did half the bed, conveniently happening to be the half Nigel was laying on (Kuki's half remained precisely where it was and didn't budge an inch, because it was on strike against the Laws of Physics that day. In fact most of the furniture in Salem's Not had decided that the Laws were unfair and too vague on several points and overall desperately in need of revision). Nigel fell to the basement, and was knocked out.

***

He awoke hours later, in a room that didn't look like his hotel room, on a bed that didn't feel like his hotel bed... in fact he was convinced he was no longer in the hotel at all. "Where am I?" he asked.

A familiar voice answered "You are here."

"Who rescued me?"

"I did."

"Who said that?" Nigel looked around.

"I did!"

Nigel looked at the wall, and immediately recognized the Singing Bass. "No way," Nigel said, "I am not believing--"

"Believe it!" said the fish.

"......"

"Oh, by the way, you're Nigel Uno, right?"

"Y-yeah...."

"I'm your biggest fan!"

Nigel went wide-eyed, then said nervously, "Wow... I didn't know my work was read by fish!"

"Art transcends species, man!" the bass intoned happily. "Besides, if we can sing your songs we can read your books!"

"I guess that makes sense." Nigel answered. "So... what's your favorite book?"

"Oh, that's easy!" the bass said. "The one about the goldfish!"

Nigel cocked an eyebrow. "What, you mean, If You Love Little Goldfish?"

"Yeah, that one! It's too bad there was never a sequel."

"Actually, there was." Nigel said. "It goes on sale today. I don't expect it to sell much, since it has to compete with Hammy Actor and the Half-Baked Script, but--"

But the bass was wild with enthusiasm. "A sequel! A sequel! The goldfish lasts forever!" And with that, the bass flew right off his mantle and out the door.

Nigel sighed. "Oh great. I hope he isn't too mad when he finds out the goldfish gets eaten by a cat in the last chapter."

To be continued!... whenever I feel like it

[faircod1965]

This is a fantastic well written story, brilliant.