Post by Shwoo on Apr 17, 2006 10:27:59 GMT
A few years ago, when I was 14, I wrote a Discworld fanfic about Ponder Stibbons, my favourite character. It was about the time he was pushed into a lake when he was a kid, which he mentioned in The Last Continent. At first i tried to imitate Terry Pratchett's style, but then I changed mind, so it looks like I tried to imitate his style and failed miserably.
I honestly believe that this is the best story I have ever written.
Kids Can Be So Cruel
A beautiful day slowly dawned in the small Ramtops town of Hubris. This was strange, considering that it was usually overcast at the least. Sometimes, it would hail in what the locals called "a bit of bad weather" but in some other places was known as "Freak Hailstorms Destroy Millions of Dollars Worth of Crops" or simply "Aargh".
Ponder Stibbons awoke and looked out the window. He groaned and pulled his bedclothes over his head. Maybe if he stayed like this for the rest of the day, he wouldn’t have to get up and he’d wake up the next day and it would be raining. He hated sunny days.
Ponder heard his aunt, Rita, enter the room. He tried to pretend that he wasn’t there. He heard Rita stop beside his bed and pull off the covers. There was a moment of silence, then Ponder heard her sigh.
"Open your eyes" she said
Ponder opened his eyes and tried to look innocent.
"Wstflg?"
"Go on, get up. You’re going for a swim today. You’re not going to mope around and read books on such a nice day."
Rita saw reading as a Waste Of Time that could be better spent doing More Important Things. This annoyed Ponder amazingly.
She bustled out before Ponder could argue. He sat up and buried his head in his hands. After he a while, he located his glasses on his beside table. He didn’t want to risk his aunt’s wrath by not getting up.
Half an hour later, Ponder was ready. At least, physically he was. He’d had an argument with Rita over breakfast about why he didn’t want to go swimming, which she’d won. Ponder hadn’t understood why he needed to swim, if he was going to be a wizard. His aunt had said that everyone needed to swim, whether they were wizards or not. Ponder had privately disagreed, but said "Yes, Aunt"
Now he had to go swimming without being hit, dunked or tied up. He’d heard the phrase "impossible task" and he felt it applied here.
When Ponder got to the swimming hole, he noticed without surprise that all of the boys of the town were there. He’d once tried to explain to his aunt what "bullying" was, and she’d told him not to be silly and why couldn’t he be more like his sister? When he’d pointed out that she was only little and besides she was a girl, Rita had got completely off the topic and treated him to a long lecture about The Century Of The Fruitbat and Equal Opportunities.
"Hurry up!" urged Rita impatiently. She’d only come to make sure he actually went there and not, for example, up the local mountain.
"But it’s certain death to go in-" Ponder began, but it was too late. He’d been spotted.
"Ah, here comes one of your friends. Say hello to him!"
"Hello, Phillip," said Ponder to the approaching boy, who, in Ponder‘s book, had earned the title of Chief Tormentor. Phillip gave him a similar grin to the one a predator might give its prey. Ponder swallowed nervously.
"Have a good time" said Rita as she left.
Phillip smirked. "What are you doing here?"
"Er, nothing?" replied Ponder, who felt very alone.
"Then do you want to play a game with us?" asked Phillip innocently
"No! I mean no, thank you." Ponder was aware of a number of boys that had gathered around to watch. He wondered which game it would be today. "See How Far The Lense’s* Skin Will Twist"? or "Surprise! You’ve Been Knocked Out By A Large Branch!"
(*The Discworld equivalent of nerd. In the absence of any Dr Seuss books, name callers had resorted to referring to anyone fitting the definition by the spectacles they so often wore. They had got the spelling almost right, however.)
"What a pity. We had such a great game planned, didn’t we?"
The boys slowly surrounding Ponder made various affirmative sounds.
"We were going to throw you off the cliff into the swimming hole, but now we can’t." Phillip now had a huge smile on his face.
Ponder knew that they were going to anyway, but Phillip seemed to take a pleasure in dragging things out. He noticed that he was sweating again.
"If you’d only agree, we can play. Won’t you?"
Ponder considered his options. One, he could refuse and get punched until he said yes. Or he could skip that by saying yes straight away.
"All right." A thought struck him. "Water is soft, isn’t it?" Phillip shrugged.
Ponder looked at the water apprehensively. It was a long way down. He wished that Greg, a large boy who seemed to have learning disabilities, would let go of his arms. It was a very long way down. It was a very very- his thoughts were interrupted by Phillip walking into Ponder’s field of vision, smirking. He reflected that Phillip’s trust would be a wonderful thing to have. Certainly less painful.
"We’re going to have lots of fun with this game, do you know why?" Phillip looked expectantly at Ponder, who tried to appear interested.
"Er, no?" His arms were beginning to hurt where Greg was holding them.
"My dad’s friend went to Genua, they have public baths there, and a board that you dive off into the water, and he jumped off, and he landed on his stomach and it hurt, and he only fell a short distance!" said one of Phillip’s friends, who was named Jason. Ponder went paler.
"We wanted to know if he was telling the truth." added Phillip. He nodded at Greg. "You can push him off now."
"Wait!" yelled Ponder desperately
"What?" "If the water does hurt, I’ll, I’ll die!"
Phillip shrugged.
"You’d be a murderer!" Ponder said, trying to appeal to their sense of remorse.
"No one would know." replied Phillip, who obviously didn’t have one.
"But-" began Ponder, but didn’t get any further because Greg had pushed him off the cliff.
Through the terror, it occurred to Ponder that curling into a ball might prevent some pain. He never got a chance. He hit the water and his stomach exploded in pain. He took a breath, then found out why it was a bad idea to do so underwater. He choked, and passed out.
Everything was shadowy and distorted. Ponder could just about make out the water, which he seemed to be above. And he could see-
PONDER STIBBONS?
Ponder glanced around, then wondered why he wasn’t feeling shocked. A seven-foot skeleton would usually have that effect on him.
"Er, am I dead, then?"
WELL, YOU MIGHT BE, replied Death BUT IT’S NOT CERTAIN.
"But... you’re Death, aren’t you?"
YES, BUT IT IS THE UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE. IT WILL MAKE THINGS VERY CONFUSING IN A FEW DECADES OR SO.
"What? I mean, what do you mean, um, sir?"
NEVER MIND. THE THING IS, YOU MIGHT DIE NOW, OR MANY YEARS FROM NOW. IT DEPENDS ON WHETHER YOU LIVE NOW.
"That doesn’t make sense!" Ponder argued, then realised that disagreeing with a large skeleton with a scythe probably wouldn’t help his chances of survival.
Death took an hourglass from his robe and examined it. Ponder somehow knew what it was. It was his life.
IT WILL SORT ITSELF OUT SOON. He produced a bag and offered it to Ponder. PEANUT?
"N-no, thank you."
Death shrugged. I COULD SHOW YOU MY DOOR IF YOU WANT. ALTHOUGH I DON’T KNOW WHY SOME HUMANS SEEM TO THINK THAT THAT IS NECESSARY.
Ponder said nothing. Death waited
YOU DON’T FEEL ANY SORT OF SENSE OF FADING AWAY, THEN?
"Er, no, I don‘t think so."
IT WOULD SEEM THAT YOU ARE ALIVE, THEN. GOOD LUCK.
Ponder watched Death go, then passed out again.
Ponder woke up. He sat, then wished he hadn’t. He coughed for a little while, then took in his surroundings. He was sitting at the edge of the swimming hole. There was no one else around. It was getting dark, causing Ponder to wonder how long he’d been unconscious. Clouds were moving in. It would rain soon.
Ponder got to his feet and slowly walked home.
I honestly believe that this is the best story I have ever written.
Kids Can Be So Cruel
A beautiful day slowly dawned in the small Ramtops town of Hubris. This was strange, considering that it was usually overcast at the least. Sometimes, it would hail in what the locals called "a bit of bad weather" but in some other places was known as "Freak Hailstorms Destroy Millions of Dollars Worth of Crops" or simply "Aargh".
Ponder Stibbons awoke and looked out the window. He groaned and pulled his bedclothes over his head. Maybe if he stayed like this for the rest of the day, he wouldn’t have to get up and he’d wake up the next day and it would be raining. He hated sunny days.
Ponder heard his aunt, Rita, enter the room. He tried to pretend that he wasn’t there. He heard Rita stop beside his bed and pull off the covers. There was a moment of silence, then Ponder heard her sigh.
"Open your eyes" she said
Ponder opened his eyes and tried to look innocent.
"Wstflg?"
"Go on, get up. You’re going for a swim today. You’re not going to mope around and read books on such a nice day."
Rita saw reading as a Waste Of Time that could be better spent doing More Important Things. This annoyed Ponder amazingly.
She bustled out before Ponder could argue. He sat up and buried his head in his hands. After he a while, he located his glasses on his beside table. He didn’t want to risk his aunt’s wrath by not getting up.
Half an hour later, Ponder was ready. At least, physically he was. He’d had an argument with Rita over breakfast about why he didn’t want to go swimming, which she’d won. Ponder hadn’t understood why he needed to swim, if he was going to be a wizard. His aunt had said that everyone needed to swim, whether they were wizards or not. Ponder had privately disagreed, but said "Yes, Aunt"
Now he had to go swimming without being hit, dunked or tied up. He’d heard the phrase "impossible task" and he felt it applied here.
When Ponder got to the swimming hole, he noticed without surprise that all of the boys of the town were there. He’d once tried to explain to his aunt what "bullying" was, and she’d told him not to be silly and why couldn’t he be more like his sister? When he’d pointed out that she was only little and besides she was a girl, Rita had got completely off the topic and treated him to a long lecture about The Century Of The Fruitbat and Equal Opportunities.
"Hurry up!" urged Rita impatiently. She’d only come to make sure he actually went there and not, for example, up the local mountain.
"But it’s certain death to go in-" Ponder began, but it was too late. He’d been spotted.
"Ah, here comes one of your friends. Say hello to him!"
"Hello, Phillip," said Ponder to the approaching boy, who, in Ponder‘s book, had earned the title of Chief Tormentor. Phillip gave him a similar grin to the one a predator might give its prey. Ponder swallowed nervously.
"Have a good time" said Rita as she left.
Phillip smirked. "What are you doing here?"
"Er, nothing?" replied Ponder, who felt very alone.
"Then do you want to play a game with us?" asked Phillip innocently
"No! I mean no, thank you." Ponder was aware of a number of boys that had gathered around to watch. He wondered which game it would be today. "See How Far The Lense’s* Skin Will Twist"? or "Surprise! You’ve Been Knocked Out By A Large Branch!"
(*The Discworld equivalent of nerd. In the absence of any Dr Seuss books, name callers had resorted to referring to anyone fitting the definition by the spectacles they so often wore. They had got the spelling almost right, however.)
"What a pity. We had such a great game planned, didn’t we?"
The boys slowly surrounding Ponder made various affirmative sounds.
"We were going to throw you off the cliff into the swimming hole, but now we can’t." Phillip now had a huge smile on his face.
Ponder knew that they were going to anyway, but Phillip seemed to take a pleasure in dragging things out. He noticed that he was sweating again.
"If you’d only agree, we can play. Won’t you?"
Ponder considered his options. One, he could refuse and get punched until he said yes. Or he could skip that by saying yes straight away.
"All right." A thought struck him. "Water is soft, isn’t it?" Phillip shrugged.
Ponder looked at the water apprehensively. It was a long way down. He wished that Greg, a large boy who seemed to have learning disabilities, would let go of his arms. It was a very long way down. It was a very very- his thoughts were interrupted by Phillip walking into Ponder’s field of vision, smirking. He reflected that Phillip’s trust would be a wonderful thing to have. Certainly less painful.
"We’re going to have lots of fun with this game, do you know why?" Phillip looked expectantly at Ponder, who tried to appear interested.
"Er, no?" His arms were beginning to hurt where Greg was holding them.
"My dad’s friend went to Genua, they have public baths there, and a board that you dive off into the water, and he jumped off, and he landed on his stomach and it hurt, and he only fell a short distance!" said one of Phillip’s friends, who was named Jason. Ponder went paler.
"We wanted to know if he was telling the truth." added Phillip. He nodded at Greg. "You can push him off now."
"Wait!" yelled Ponder desperately
"What?" "If the water does hurt, I’ll, I’ll die!"
Phillip shrugged.
"You’d be a murderer!" Ponder said, trying to appeal to their sense of remorse.
"No one would know." replied Phillip, who obviously didn’t have one.
"But-" began Ponder, but didn’t get any further because Greg had pushed him off the cliff.
Through the terror, it occurred to Ponder that curling into a ball might prevent some pain. He never got a chance. He hit the water and his stomach exploded in pain. He took a breath, then found out why it was a bad idea to do so underwater. He choked, and passed out.
Everything was shadowy and distorted. Ponder could just about make out the water, which he seemed to be above. And he could see-
PONDER STIBBONS?
Ponder glanced around, then wondered why he wasn’t feeling shocked. A seven-foot skeleton would usually have that effect on him.
"Er, am I dead, then?"
WELL, YOU MIGHT BE, replied Death BUT IT’S NOT CERTAIN.
"But... you’re Death, aren’t you?"
YES, BUT IT IS THE UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE. IT WILL MAKE THINGS VERY CONFUSING IN A FEW DECADES OR SO.
"What? I mean, what do you mean, um, sir?"
NEVER MIND. THE THING IS, YOU MIGHT DIE NOW, OR MANY YEARS FROM NOW. IT DEPENDS ON WHETHER YOU LIVE NOW.
"That doesn’t make sense!" Ponder argued, then realised that disagreeing with a large skeleton with a scythe probably wouldn’t help his chances of survival.
Death took an hourglass from his robe and examined it. Ponder somehow knew what it was. It was his life.
IT WILL SORT ITSELF OUT SOON. He produced a bag and offered it to Ponder. PEANUT?
"N-no, thank you."
Death shrugged. I COULD SHOW YOU MY DOOR IF YOU WANT. ALTHOUGH I DON’T KNOW WHY SOME HUMANS SEEM TO THINK THAT THAT IS NECESSARY.
Ponder said nothing. Death waited
YOU DON’T FEEL ANY SORT OF SENSE OF FADING AWAY, THEN?
"Er, no, I don‘t think so."
IT WOULD SEEM THAT YOU ARE ALIVE, THEN. GOOD LUCK.
Ponder watched Death go, then passed out again.
Ponder woke up. He sat, then wished he hadn’t. He coughed for a little while, then took in his surroundings. He was sitting at the edge of the swimming hole. There was no one else around. It was getting dark, causing Ponder to wonder how long he’d been unconscious. Clouds were moving in. It would rain soon.
Ponder got to his feet and slowly walked home.