Post by numbuheightbitstar on Dec 8, 2005 1:58:46 GMT
This was inspired by all the Ash-bashing in the "best video game duo" topic.
KING GRAHAM: So, who is the greatest video game hero of all time?
ASH: I nominate me! I've defeated hundreds of Gym leaders and scored thousands of badges on my quest to become a Pokemon Master!
KING GRAHAM: Uhuh... tell us more about this amazing feat, Ash!
ASH: Well sir, first I was given a Pokemon by Professor Oak. Then I went out and bought Pokeballs in which to capture more Pokemon, which I trained--
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG: Hold on a minute! What's this crud about "training?"
ASH: Don't you know? I train Pokemon to battle! Then I battle against other people's trained Pokemon!
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG: That's so bogus!
LIU BEI: I beg to differ, sir Hedgehog. Training a creature to fight another creature is no different than how I wage wars by commanding armies, if you think about it.
KING GRAHAM: Yes, Liu Bei, but you were one of many brave souls fighting to unite all of China and end an overdrawn civil war, which begs the question of the nature of these conflicts. Ash, explain to us these "Gym leaders." Were they evil?
ASH: No... well, not all of them. Some of them I just had to battle as part of the qualification. But one of them was the leader of an evil criminal organization called Team Rocket!
KING GRAHAM: So... what exactly does the title "Pokemon Master" entitle you to?
ASH: Well.... it's really more of a glory thing.
SONIC: That's still bogus! Ash, don't take this the wrong way, but you don't even count. You're a kid who uses animals to defeat other wimps who also use animals and get a bunch of medals for it! I mean, compare that to my case--I have to save my animal friends from an evil scientist, while collecting magical rings and chaos emeralds. Practically anything can kill me instantly, and I've got no weapons except for the quills on my back! What's worse, I have to do everything wearing nothing but gloves and shoes!
GUY FROM "QUEST FOR GLORY": And what's this talk about "training?" I had to train myself, and in doing so I rescued a kidnapped prince and princess, drove a witch out of a Kingdom, and afterwards stopped an evil wizard from summoning a Genie to destroy a city. I became a sultan's adopted son for that! Oh, did I mention I stopped a war?
KING GRAHAM: Now now, gentlemen! I believe we're all being quite unfair to Mr. Ash Ketchum. Yes, Mr. Ketchum has a humble history so far, but then again, in my own first outing, all I did was find three magical knick-knacks my King had lost, which he gave me his crown for. That wasn't much now was it? This also begs the issue of scale. It seems to me Ash's quest was meant to be a personal journey, not entirely the level of large-scale heroics. Certainly in that respect it's similar to your own "Quest for Glory," Mr. Hero? And as Liu Bei said, letting forest creatures fight for you is no worse than letting other men fight for you, so Ash Ketchum's means aren't in question either.
SONIC: Well... I guess not.
SAMUS: But then, I ask you this: How effective has Ash been? Was Team Rocket gone for good when he defeated their leader? And we can see he succeeded in becoming a Pokemon Master, but did he hold the title?
KING GRAHAM: *Looks at Ash*
ASH: Well... no on both counts. I was defeated when the next game came out, by the new player character. And Team Rocket was still around.
SAMUS: So Ash had results, but they weren't permanent. So how much of a hero could they be?
KING GRAHAM: Let he who has no sin pass the first stone, Samus. I seem to remember that your successes weren't quite permanent, either. The Metroids returned again and again, as did the space pirates. And when you finally destroyed the Metroids, it turned out to simply cause an all new problem!
GUY FROM "QUEST FOR GLORY": You know Graham, I think that can really be said for all of us. I mean, Sonic's enemy, Dr. Robotnik--
SONIC: His name's "Eggman" now.
GUY FROM "QUEST FOR GLORY": Sorry, I'm a bit of an old-schooler. Anyway, Dr. Eggman keeps coming back, and you've mentioned Samus' problems. With Liu Bei, well every game he's in starts all over from the beginning of the story, like he's stuck in a permanent time loop! I think really, the only ones of us who have had any sort of lasting results are myself, and you.
KING GRAHAM: Whoa, hold on there. How permanent are any of our results? I mean, all the player has to do is select "new game" and instantly all our problems are born anew, right? It's no different than how you say Liu Bei is "stuck in a permanent time loop."
ASH: Hey, not to be a party-pooper here, but I think we're running out of judgement criteria!
KING GRAHAM: Excellent point, my boy! Which means we should decide now just who the greatest video game hero is!
[Everyone thinks....]
GUY FROM "QUEST FOR GLORY": I vote... Roger Wilco, from the Space Quest games.
KING GRAHAM: Why is that?
GUY FROM "QUEST FOR GLORY": Because he's the only person at this table who hasn't tried to aggrandize himself.
KING GRAHAM: *Looks around, surprised* Oh! I didn't even know he was present! But yes, it seems you're right! Granted, I think his silence has more to do with his having passed out from accidentally drinking that punch that Sonic laced with chemicals and tried to pass to me, but it's still a heroic feat!
[Roger Wilco is given the honorary title "Best Video Game Hero Ever"]
SONIC: Curses! Foiled again!
KING GRAHAM: So, who is the greatest video game hero of all time?
ASH: I nominate me! I've defeated hundreds of Gym leaders and scored thousands of badges on my quest to become a Pokemon Master!
KING GRAHAM: Uhuh... tell us more about this amazing feat, Ash!
ASH: Well sir, first I was given a Pokemon by Professor Oak. Then I went out and bought Pokeballs in which to capture more Pokemon, which I trained--
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG: Hold on a minute! What's this crud about "training?"
ASH: Don't you know? I train Pokemon to battle! Then I battle against other people's trained Pokemon!
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG: That's so bogus!
LIU BEI: I beg to differ, sir Hedgehog. Training a creature to fight another creature is no different than how I wage wars by commanding armies, if you think about it.
KING GRAHAM: Yes, Liu Bei, but you were one of many brave souls fighting to unite all of China and end an overdrawn civil war, which begs the question of the nature of these conflicts. Ash, explain to us these "Gym leaders." Were they evil?
ASH: No... well, not all of them. Some of them I just had to battle as part of the qualification. But one of them was the leader of an evil criminal organization called Team Rocket!
KING GRAHAM: So... what exactly does the title "Pokemon Master" entitle you to?
ASH: Well.... it's really more of a glory thing.
SONIC: That's still bogus! Ash, don't take this the wrong way, but you don't even count. You're a kid who uses animals to defeat other wimps who also use animals and get a bunch of medals for it! I mean, compare that to my case--I have to save my animal friends from an evil scientist, while collecting magical rings and chaos emeralds. Practically anything can kill me instantly, and I've got no weapons except for the quills on my back! What's worse, I have to do everything wearing nothing but gloves and shoes!
GUY FROM "QUEST FOR GLORY": And what's this talk about "training?" I had to train myself, and in doing so I rescued a kidnapped prince and princess, drove a witch out of a Kingdom, and afterwards stopped an evil wizard from summoning a Genie to destroy a city. I became a sultan's adopted son for that! Oh, did I mention I stopped a war?
KING GRAHAM: Now now, gentlemen! I believe we're all being quite unfair to Mr. Ash Ketchum. Yes, Mr. Ketchum has a humble history so far, but then again, in my own first outing, all I did was find three magical knick-knacks my King had lost, which he gave me his crown for. That wasn't much now was it? This also begs the issue of scale. It seems to me Ash's quest was meant to be a personal journey, not entirely the level of large-scale heroics. Certainly in that respect it's similar to your own "Quest for Glory," Mr. Hero? And as Liu Bei said, letting forest creatures fight for you is no worse than letting other men fight for you, so Ash Ketchum's means aren't in question either.
SONIC: Well... I guess not.
SAMUS: But then, I ask you this: How effective has Ash been? Was Team Rocket gone for good when he defeated their leader? And we can see he succeeded in becoming a Pokemon Master, but did he hold the title?
KING GRAHAM: *Looks at Ash*
ASH: Well... no on both counts. I was defeated when the next game came out, by the new player character. And Team Rocket was still around.
SAMUS: So Ash had results, but they weren't permanent. So how much of a hero could they be?
KING GRAHAM: Let he who has no sin pass the first stone, Samus. I seem to remember that your successes weren't quite permanent, either. The Metroids returned again and again, as did the space pirates. And when you finally destroyed the Metroids, it turned out to simply cause an all new problem!
GUY FROM "QUEST FOR GLORY": You know Graham, I think that can really be said for all of us. I mean, Sonic's enemy, Dr. Robotnik--
SONIC: His name's "Eggman" now.
GUY FROM "QUEST FOR GLORY": Sorry, I'm a bit of an old-schooler. Anyway, Dr. Eggman keeps coming back, and you've mentioned Samus' problems. With Liu Bei, well every game he's in starts all over from the beginning of the story, like he's stuck in a permanent time loop! I think really, the only ones of us who have had any sort of lasting results are myself, and you.
KING GRAHAM: Whoa, hold on there. How permanent are any of our results? I mean, all the player has to do is select "new game" and instantly all our problems are born anew, right? It's no different than how you say Liu Bei is "stuck in a permanent time loop."
ASH: Hey, not to be a party-pooper here, but I think we're running out of judgement criteria!
KING GRAHAM: Excellent point, my boy! Which means we should decide now just who the greatest video game hero is!
[Everyone thinks....]
GUY FROM "QUEST FOR GLORY": I vote... Roger Wilco, from the Space Quest games.
KING GRAHAM: Why is that?
GUY FROM "QUEST FOR GLORY": Because he's the only person at this table who hasn't tried to aggrandize himself.
KING GRAHAM: *Looks around, surprised* Oh! I didn't even know he was present! But yes, it seems you're right! Granted, I think his silence has more to do with his having passed out from accidentally drinking that punch that Sonic laced with chemicals and tried to pass to me, but it's still a heroic feat!
[Roger Wilco is given the honorary title "Best Video Game Hero Ever"]
SONIC: Curses! Foiled again!
That was funny.